When do you know it is time to leave a marriage?

[ThatCoralBee]

oh when do you decide to disrupt your life and move on and out of the marriage?

I’m married 20 years, 3 teens, last few years have been very difficult - I’ve had cancer and been very ill. Now in remission and have refound my love for life. Still have a lot of physical symptoms but I’ve travelled the world mostly solo with the kids and a couple of solo trips, I’m back to work new job that I enjoy, I’m working on study. Plenty of friends and interests. Husband has been very practically supportive throughout in terms of keeping house going, kids going etc. very little emotional support. His existence is our house- goes to the office a couple of times per week but avoids that as much as possible. Will drive kids to activities, never gets out of car, won’t engage with other parents. He will cook some meals, clean a bit, pick up a food shop. Has zero friends, a completely non existent relationship with his family. Massively overweight. No exercise. Won’t even take the dog for a walk. We don’t share a room due to his snoring. And to be honest I’m just so bored of his mid life grumpiness. Generally quite complains a lot and moans.

At present it’s fine. I hate the word fine. There’s no fights. But zero intimacy. He’s not a bit interested. I’m very independent and I guess a bit reluctant to try and rely on him emotionally as I’ve had to pick myself up from rock bottom and rebuild myself physically and emotionally.

i don’t want to disrupt the kids more, we have additional needs kids and there’s been a lot of trauma with how ill I’ve been. We have a house that meets their needs and with adaptions meets mine. I earn well but doubt I could buy him out and couldn’t afford to move and do the adaptions to another house. I have some money in savings due to insurance pay out but not enough plus he would be entitled to half of it which would leave me very financially vulnerable in the future. It’s likely I won’t be able to work to retirement age due to the ongoing conditions I have.

i feel like I live with a coparent. There’s no relationship. I’ve tried a few things like out for dinner, weekend away and honestly there’s so little to talk about. Well I have plenty but it’s all of my life without him. I go to personal therapy, he’s not interested in any. He denies being stressed. I do think he is neurodivergent but won’t engage around that either. If you ask him if he’s happy he just says life is busy. It’s like he’s perpetually overwhelmed but doesn’t recognise it so buries his head. I don’t feel like I can or want to dig him out of whatever this is when it’s taken so much energy to recover myself. But equally I don’t want to cause more stress to the kids and put myself under financial pressure and stress which undoubtedly will negatively impact on physical health. Sometimes I think just manage it until they all leave home. While I feel happy in life right now his moping around does at times make me want to knock him out! Especially when there’s days I can barely walk.

my question - how do you know the time to make a step on?

He doesn't sound happy and perhaps he is neurodivergent? Is he doing anything to get his weight down? To take care of himself?

You describe two co parents living together, not sharing a bed , spending zero time together. It sounds like you are already separated.

If you are unhappy living this way now then what about when the kids leave home, what will be left?
Can you hold on until the children are out of secondary school and have done gcses ?(if they are taking them)

Well, you're financially in a pickle then, so it sounds like you're stuck for now. You mention your children have additional needs. With whatever that is, plus the economy and housing being costly for young people starting out, at what ages do you realistically see them leaving the nest, and how many years away will that be according to your youngest? Would you eventually want a new companion, or do you just want to be single without dealing with the grumpy man you presently have?

It'd be ideal to build a mother-in-law suite in your house he could live in so you'd be in his presence less often. But he'd likely balk at that. In the meantime, if your house is huge and would be prime in the market, you could work with a real estate agent to see if downsizing with the adaptations you need in a new house which are already present, or could be added using your part of the equity, that there's no harm in inquiring.

For now, I'd just find more ways to avoid him in the house. If he's always parked in the living room, you can make your bedroom your woman-cave and the kids know where they can find you. Luckily, he doesn't want to be intimate, but if he wanted to reengage, you could be honest and let him know it's best you divorce once the kids leave the nest.

To answer your question. When he is violent or when the children are adults.
I wouldn't disrupt the kids cause you are bit unhappy with your choices in life.

He may not be neurodivergent, have you considered the possibility that you are merely with a both selfish and self absorbed man?.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this really the model you potentially want them to emulate. After all you’re showing then that currently at least this kids at home with him is acceptable to you.

Do you also think he’s a good dad?. Your kids may not leave home for many years yet and so that just gives you less impetus to actually firm up plans to leave. Don’t use the kids as the reason for you and he to stay together, if it’s over it’s over .

Ask yourself this question. What do you get out of this relationship now?.

my question - how do you know the time to make a step on?

When you have to ask a bunch of strangers on the internet whether it’s time to move on

Wrong. You can absolutely leave a marriage for reasons other than domestic violence or when the children reach adulthood.

Even parents deserve happiness in life!

Not at the expense of kids they chose to have with that man.
That, to me, is a horrible thing to do to kids.

So so so many things can happen which aren’t violence that can lead one to change their mind.

What about verbal abuse, cheating, drug/alcohol/gambling addiction, mental health crisis?

And that's the kids fault how?

Imagine yourself in 5 year's time. If you envisage being just as unhappy/unfulfilled, seriously look at leaving.

Thanks
kids another 6 years before all finished secondary school.

Doing absolutely nothing with regard his weight or health. Takes no care of himself at all. Put his back out last year and needed 2 fire brigade crews to get him out of the house. Mortifying. If that didn’t spur on some sense of take some control nothing will.

yes that’s the thought I’ve had. What will be once the kids are no longer at home. But granted given the financial situation of the world and some additional needs when will that be. I think I’d feel less bad about disrupting them once school education is finished.

no desire for a different relationship. Quite content in myself. Just don’t want the grumpiness. I took a week away myself a few weeks ago and it was absolute bliss not to have anyone moping/ grumping about.

could well be selfish and self absorbed. 20 years ago he seemed different. I do worry about showing them that it’s ok to be stuck in a relationship. But I also worry about the damage upheaval of ending a relationship would cause. Especially given the last few years. Also slight worry what if cancer comes back and I die this time. Try not to overthink that but given how bad things were it’s a thought in the midst of it. I’d worry he wouldn’t bother to keep up the regular relationship with the kids if we separated. He was an excellent dad when they were small- very hands on. Now he struggles more with them being teens, but they have a decent relationship with him.

i think it’s more the question of the future I think about. I was more annoyed at him about a year ago. I think I’ve settled in that way and rebuilt a good life for me. I can avoid him fairly well at home- though this week I had a few working at home days that are supposed to be his office days. He did not go to the office and that did annoy me!