Good marriage but increasingly separate lives and feeling lonely together

[Curiositykilledthekitty]

I’ve been married for over two decades and we have teenage kids. My husband is, by most measures, a genuinely good person—he works hard, shares responsibilities at home and with the kids, and treats me with kindness and respect.

The difficulty is that he’s extremely withdrawn when it comes to social life. He has little to no interest in going out or doing anything beyond work or his personal hobbies. This has been an ongoing issue for a few years, to the point where I even raised the idea of separating—not because we don’t care about each other, but because our relationship sometimes feels more like coexisting than actually sharing a life.

I’m someone who really enjoys getting out—meals, theatre, travel, weekends away, or even just exploring somewhere new for the day. He simply doesn’t share that interest. As a result, I end up doing these things either alone or with friends, which I’ve managed for a while, but it’s starting to feel quite disheartening that so many of my happiest experiences don’t include him.

Recently, a change in his job has meant he’s been out socialising more, and he seems to have enjoyed it. That’s made things more confusing, because it shows he can engage and have a good time—it just doesn’t seem to extend to doing those things with me. He says he enjoys being with me but dislikes going out, which leaves me feeling stuck between respecting his preferences and acknowledging my own growing sense of loneliness.

I’ve heard people say that during midlife or menopause, it’s not uncommon for women to question their relationships or consider leaving over issues that might later feel less significant. I’m not at that point, but I’d be dishonest if I said the thought hasn’t crossed my mind—that maybe being alone would feel less lonely than this. Then I second-guess myself and wonder if I’m overthinking things, given that he is, in many ways, a solid partner.

I’m curious whether others have experienced something similar at this stage of life.

I have this. I live my life to the fullest by travelling, seeking new experiences, workshops, days out, new foods etc

My DP is married to his work and doesn’t have much outside this. Won’t come and experience these things using the excuse that he may lose out on business

We’re not married, but I can’t see how you can say this is a good marriage for you if he doesn’t consider what you want some of the time and always puts his own needs before yours. It can feel lonely and I think I’d feel less alone if I were single, as I wouldn’t anything. We just exist in the same household after so many years of this. I can’t imagine this life once my DD leaves home

What are his hobbies and are they performed in-house? Do you have proof that his recent social activities are job related? What is happening at these work events, and how often?

Yes, I agree with the other poster that if he cared about you, he'd want to please you. I'm not saying he should agree to every single outing you prefer and he doesn't, but he should compromise and agree to some things. Because a good marriage entails a healthy balance of time together and time doing your own things. If there is an unbalance, you'll of course feel the dissatisfaction you're now feeling.

When you're both in a mellow mood, I'd sit him down and explain what you've said here. How you've tried doing all your outings with friends but you're left feeling unfulfilled since it's never with your lifetime companion. Keep it to "I" statements, such as how you feel lonely, as though you two are growing emotionally distant because a person can't argue about how you feel. Do avoid "you" statements like "You never" or "You always" because that's what'll make him put his armor on. Better to state what you do want versus pointing a finger in blame.

Once you've stated how you feel, let him speak without interruption. What he says will be very telling. If he only comes up with excuses, be honest and tell him you're not willing to live the rest of your life lonely and dissatisfied. And then again how he responds to that will likely tell you all you need to know.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Thanks both — just to clarify a few points. His hobby happens outside the house and doesn’t really cut into time with the kids. We both work from home, so that part generally fits around our schedules. What I’m struggling with more is that time for us to socialise together doesn’t seem to find the same space.

The social events I mentioned are work-related. I know the people involved and am actually good friends with some of them, so I’m not worried about anything like that. It’s usually just dinners or drinks. To be fair, it’s probably not the best example right now because it’s been unusually frequent due to a recent role change. Normally it might be a couple of times a month, which I’m completely fine with — at the moment it’s more like several times a week, although that should settle down again soon.

Writing this out, I can see I might be reacting more to how things feel right now rather than looking at the bigger picture. It’s reassuring that it’s not a clear-cut “I’m being unreasonable” situation. I’ll have another proper conversation with him, explain how I’m feeling, and see if we can meet somewhere in the middle and thank you for the advice about wording things!