Can we come back from this.

[Newbegg]

2 years separated and DH wants to try again. Can this be possible, do I even want to. We had drifted apart, had tried a few times in the few years before our separation to work through it but alcohol (DH doing) and life got in the way. I just stopped trying and thought life would be better without him, cruel but true. In some ways it is but I still miss him and he is never far away from my mind. He admits he messed up and sees that but also I told him to leave at a critical chapter in his life (bereavement). I take full accountability of my actions. Deep down, he thinks if loves still there its worth trying but I dont think its as easy as that. I love him but am I in love with him??? Is that even a thing or just clap trap nonsense..... I really feel we need counselling to unravel a lot, especially how we tried on numerous occasions but nothing changed. So why would it now. 2 years is so long to be separated but we had been together 25yrs. Any advice is helpful as I dont know anymore.

No. Move on.

I don’t think it’s a definite no, but with the proviso that real change, learning and growth takes place.

He wants to try again - what has he done? Who is he today? It’s been two years, is drink still a factor in his life?

Don’t feel under pressure to jump in to fix everything and his situation. Can he show that he’s put the effort in at working on himself? What’s changed?

Is he still drinking?

Go to couples' therapy first to try and unravel all the baggage before you even consider a fresh start. And if he's still drinking heavily, don't go there, because nothing will change.

@ItsOnlyHobnobs @category12 @CrazyGoatLady yes still drinking but not as much. Thats the thing I dont see any change all just words. We have barely seen eachother he actually ignored me the last time and said it hurts too much. Says he held so much anger towards me but can see now why I asked him to leave. I suggested therapy together/apart he says he doesnt need it but if I want us both to he will agree. I just dont think I have it in me anymore to fix us. Suppose theres my answer. Thank you for your advice.

What has he been doing in the meantime? Has it fallen apart with someone else recently?

It’s a no from me. Still drinking, all lip service, anger towards you, won’t agree to therapy. You’ve done your bit and he’s had his chances. Move on.

It’s a no from me.
You tried on numerous occasions and nothing changed; this will be exactly the same.

Definitely move on

This is real tough, @Newbegg . I am usually an advocate of talking things through, grownup communication, even counselling if needed. But you said it yourself in your original post: Life has been easier without him - that is not cruel, it is the reality of it. The thing is, if you actually wanted to try again and now is hesitating what steps to take, it would be different. But you are not even sure you would want to get it all back. And that is telling. I think it's the long history, the change that is making you hesitate, but deep down I am sure you realise not being together is for the better for you. If you are honest with yourself, and not thinking about what sounds nice or kind or anything like that - Don't you think you are better off without being his partner?

@Newbegg nothing has changed .HE doesn’t want therapy . HE doesn’t think he needs it . HE is angry and blames you , can only imagine how that would play out if you got back together . HE is still drinking . HE is still selfish .

OP walk and don’t look back . You can care about someone from afar .

No. Hes still drinking.
Words. No action.

25 years is a long relationship, some of it must have been good. You say you still miss him (probably from the good years), you say he has cut down drinking and it might have taken him these 2 years to see sense. Might be worth trying friendship first, just being in each other's company, no need to move back in together. See how you both feel.

@exhaustDAD you are spot on. It i cut out all the history and "what if's". I dont think I do. I carry a lot of guilt but I dont think it would be a happy ending and my full heart just isn't in the marriage anymore and it wouldnt be fair to anyone to try. Thank you

I think that is a very smart and reasonable way to go about it, @Newbegg ... Not an easy choice, but probably the right one. I think truly successful relationships are not about "enduring", but actively choosing each other as time goes on.
Good luck going forward, I am sure it will all be ok.

You know what life is like without him, and what it was like with him. If he’s not stopped drinking assume it’ll be the same if he’s still using alcohol as a crutch instead of working through trauma in a healthy way. Life will throw him challenges and he’ll always return to drinking heavily if he’s not addressed his unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I would usually say that if both parties really want to work on the difficulties and make changes then closing the door could be missing out on an opportunity to be happy together. People can and do change, but only if they want to.

However here I think he’s realised his life is worse without you and he’s going back to what he knows. I think your life will be far worse with him in it again. I’m with the OP’s who say run a mile.

I did get back with my ex after 2.5 years separation, and it’s going well. I think the difference is that he spent that time working on himself, really considering what my reasons for separating were and making meaningful changes before broaching giving it another try. We have kids so I could see the difference in him over time, he was always honourable and flexible in his dealings with me. And I changed too - could see what I had contributed to the breakdown of the marriage and make needed changes too.

I think trying to rekindle something you don’t really want, with someone who won’t address the issues and commit to change is a recipe for disaster.

@Brightbluesomething that's good advice, thanks.

@Jellycatspyjamas thank you