Living together while divorcing

[Allthegoodonesareg0ne]

How do you do it?!

Divorce application went in on Monday. I'm having a hysterectomy on the 7th so DH is staying until I'm back on my feet so he can manage the kids. It's hell.

Backstory: he had an affair in 2024. We reconciled and everything was going great until March of this year. He had an unavoidable trip with the ap (first contact since the affair). The week before we had a row and he was really off with me. Then he came back from the trip and it was like something had flipped in his head (just like last time). Just over a week later with lots of pushing he said he is worn out from all the effort of trying and can't do it anymore, hes trying to find his feelings for me again. A bit after that he said he plans to stay until after my op then move out. For a couple weeks he was back and forth then I filed for divorce. Hes stopped any attempts at affection now but he still goes hot and cold with me. He wants to cuddle me when he sees me upset, hell say he still loves me then go cold or outright hurtful (i was only prenting when i said i was happy, i will never be honest with you, i will hurt you again) for a few days and restart again. I'm convinced ap is back in the picture though he swears she isn't. Regardless I know divorce is the right thing.

The kids don't know yet. We separated briefly last time and it broke them. I can't believe we have to do this to them again. So we are still sharing a bed until my op when we have a good reason for him to move to the spare room.

I know it's the right thing to divorce, it's in progress but having him here and him going hot and cold is actual torture and my nervous system is shot to bits desperate to both push him away and have him hold me all at once.

How old are your kids, are there other options to stop you from sharing, at least there is some form of amicable behaviour and that he will help with the kids after your op.

I lived with my ex for 18 months post separation. He went into another room which meant our kids having to share. We didn't tell them the truth for 8 months as he wasn't ready to and I knew it was important that we had a united front as much as possible.
I had a medical issue 12 months in and he could not have given a crap. He left me doing most of the stuff round the house like cooking meals for the kids, washing their clothes, doing bed times.

Living together is doable but you need to have an end goal. If you have already put in the divorce application then you might as well try and start separating your life as much as you can and decide how you intend to split financially (do you own the home etc, will you sell, buy each other out). All this stuff takes time so if you can take small steps it's probably less of a dramatic change for the kids.

Thank you. They are 12 and 10. If we (he) hadn't put them through this already once I would be in a separate room already but they had such a hard time the first time we don't want to make it harder for them this time. We will tell them when dh has his new place ready.
We are already planning finances and custody.
I'm so sorry you had to do this wo long and that he was not more helpful. How awful that he couldn't support you through that

We stayed living together for one year whilst DC was doing his A levels. Complete purgatory. He was terrible and I had to hide it all. Never again

Sounds awful, I'm so sorry. I hope life is better for you now x

I'd have a discussion with him that it's for the best there be no more physical affection and no more saying I love you to each other. That all future conversations will be about co-parenting and necessary talks about legally dividing the household. Think of it as having to be pleasant to a co-worker you don't particularly like, but are keeping the peace so that the environment isn't toxic for you or the kids.

When my first marriage ended, he wouldn't divorce me until the house sold, which took 1 and a half years because the market was bad at that time. I realized that it was strange to totally transform how we spoke to each other, etc., and it was a gradual transition since those habits are ingrained.

Anyway, I'm sorry he did one of the most hurtful things one can do to a partner. Try not to think that your kids were "broken," but that they had the normal upsets and that they will again, but they will gradually get used to a new family dynamic. Perhaps buy a book to discuss with your husband how to make the transition as healthy as possible for the children's sakes. If I were you, I'd probably not wait until your husband moves out to tell the children. They should learn that you will give them the truth and to treat them as resilient people who can handle tough times. If you wait until after the fact, they will always live in fear the rug's about to be pulled out from under them, wondering what secrets are being hidden, lurking around the next corner. It's kind of like when you first drop a child off at daycare. It's better to let them cry when they see you leaving, versus you slipping away when they are preoccupied and they turn to see you've disappeared.

Good luck.

If you are already planning the practicalities and the room change isn't possible, then you need to ensure you get some other clear boundaries in place if this is a definite decision.
This is the part where you grieve for the end of something. You need to process it all, holding onto the cuddles and the emotions isn't helpful. If you have made a decision that this is to end then it's important that you work through it all.
It's not easy, it's brutal, but you need to ensure you aren't letting it all back in as it will take you back to the start.

Moving forward your kids really be ok. Children learn new routines and making sure they feel safe and comfortable to share things and feel love from you both is important.
It's really hard when their dad has hurt you, but I'm of the opinion that at their age they should still think their dad is amazing so you have to maintain that with them.
I'd say when you feel able to tell them, to do it together, be united in that this will be ok. There will be plenty of books that are for the kids and can help to talk through with them.
Mine were 10 & 3. It was awful when the 10 year old cried, but it stopped as fast as it started. And they have both adapted really well. And I will continue to let them think that their dad is amazing. They love him and think he's the best so I am always excited about what they do with him, and big him up to them.

Thank you. The eldest in particular knows something is up. I explained to him that me and his dad are dealing with grown up stuff but that we both love him very much. I told him nothing is changing right now, and rhat we would let him know if something will be. He asked questions and I tried to answer them as honestly as I was able which at the time was that we both love him, but that dad isn't sure at the moment if its best for him to be with mum or not and that it is important that his dad makes the right decision so he's taking time. It makes mummy a bit sad but it's important that dad is happy because we all want him to be happy.
Their dad wants to wait now to tell them until my op is out the way and he's sorted a house so he can show them and reassure rhem rhey have space there and he's not disappearing far away. Which seems sensible to me but I really don't know what to do for rhe best. I'm so frustrated that he's putting us all through this again.

Thank you so much this is reassuring x