AIBU to think my husband's story about washing does not add up

[Ruby90]

DH and I have been together for 6 years and have two young kids. I caught him texting an old flame two years ago, was flirty and inappropriate. I chose to stay with him and we tried to move forward. Since then I’ve been insecure about it all and have accused him over little things. Recently he’s been really snappy with me, out of the blue. He’s been working lots and doing lates, I haven’t been suspicious at all because he works outdoors and always comes home filthy muddy and I hear his conversations with his work colleagues about their day. Last night was no different, he had a night job his colleague met him at our house - they van shared and went off to the job. I knew he’d be home really late, like 12am so I went to sleep. When I woke up, he was home and his filthy clothes on the floor but he was clean-ish. He told me he had a bath , but he’s normally messy in the bathroom - the bathroom hadnt been touched by him. There’s normally splashes on dirty water or muddy hand prints. He even said he had cleaned it up with a flannel but there was no flannel in the bathroom. When I confronted him, he got immediately angry and back tracked saying he didn’t have a bath, he had a quick wash in the sink.
However the bar of soap hasn’t been touched and the sink was spotless as I left it before bed.
I believe he’s showered at another women’s place or even a sex workers?
AIBU?

When the trust is gone it’s game over.

Oh fgs

Agreed. Once you’re monitoring the soap to see whether it’s been used, it’s over.

I agree the trust is gone op, you’re flogging a dead horse. However, please don’t listen to pp’s. You’re not wrong for noticing inconsistencies like that, I noticed them too. He now lives with his mistress.

FGS what? Are you saying this wouldn’t ring alarm bells for you?
Your intuition is probably right OP.

You don’t trust him. That’s all that matters here. Time to leave him.

I don't think you're wrong - when someone cheats, their partner becomes very alert to inconsistencies - it's how we protect ourselves. But it's not good to be living in a constant state of high alert.
He lied about the bath - there's no good reason for that. Innocent people don't need to lie about these details.
I think this relationship is dead in the water - it's not only that you don't trust him, you can't trust him because he's fundamentally dishonest.

It’s over. Dead in the water. If not this particular issue, then later down the line. Inevitable

When my H was having an affair & I knew / accused him of going to the OW house instead of work (he worked nights) like he said, he came home dressed in a suit & ranted at me in the middle of the night. A) if he’d have been working, he wouldn’t have been able to leave mid-shift to come & rant at me b) guilty people react in a disproportionate way c) they forget the lies they’ve told d) they gaslight you

It doesn’t really matter if he did or didn’t as you believe he’s cheating, so just end it.

im not sure how many blokes go out in dirty work gear and have a colleague lick them uo in fhe work van to go shagging, but you never know.

Why did he say he had a bath?

Well he lied about having a bath and cleaning the bath afterwards.
Admitted it was a lie and changed his story to having washed in the sink, but it doesn't seem like he did that either.

So yes, he washed somewhere else. And won't tell you where. Seems shady to me.

Let's just get this straight.
He was unexpectedly clean. He said he'd had a bath - you said, then why is the bathtub so clean?
He said he'd cleaned it with a flannel. You said, then where is the wet/dirty flannel you washed the bath with?
He got angry and said he didn't in fact have a bath, just a wash at the sink. You said, then why is the soap dry?
Of course he showered elsewhere. He's making up a cover story on the spot and obviously thinks you're either stupid or timid enough to be intimidated by his anger into believing him. And he's got form. I'd be fucking this one off.

I think when it gets to the point of being so hyper vigilant of the inconsistencies it's time to call it a day. I agree it does sound suspicious but it's no way to live at all you must be really anxious all the time.

I think he probably did go to work but finished early, which is why his work buddy picked him up.
Or his friend was an alibi fir him, which has also been known to happen.

Liars cant be trusted. He's not even bothering to tell realistic lies. I think its game over.

It is suspicious and you clearly don’t trust him I’d consider leaving the relationship it sounds awful to be constantly filled with worry

He lied about the bath - there's no good reason for that. Innocent people don't need to lie about these details.
I think this relationship is dead in the water - it's not only that you don't trust him, you can't trust him because he's fundamentally dishonest.

Absolutely this.

It doesn’t really matter if he's cheating or not. How many years can you keep putting your doubts to the back of your mind.
You’ve done a good stretch of time together. Go and find some peace.

He is a liar, the trust is gone, move on. Don’t be like me, wasting your life while you wait for him to change.

Presumably he has got dirty at work, his clothes tell you the truth. So maybe he did go to work for a little while.

But how he got clean afterwards is very suspicious. It obviously wasn't at home. He lied, twice.

To me that's the final straw. Time to leave.

He walked out last night and was at MIL‘s house, she’s been trying to get involved.
We briefly texted and spoke on the phone, I begged him to tell me the truth. He told me frankly he lied about having a bath because he thought I’d have a moan at him for not. He didn’t get filthy so he just had a quick hand and face wash in sink.
Yes his clothes were dirty but I still suspect he may have gone to a woman’s house, had a shower to sleep with her, then put the dirty work clothes back on and came home.

I feel like I need to get evidence which is basically going through his phone while he’s asleep. He’s adamant he’s innocent but it just feels so off. I really believe he’s gone out cheating while I was sleeping. As I said lately he’s been so snappy to me and at war with me over everything. It screams OW the way he’s treated me

He didn’t get filthy so he just had a quick hand and face wash in sink.

You said there was no evidence of that either.

Exactly, I know it sounds crazy but the soap hasn’t been touched and the sink was clean. He’s messy and never leaves the bathroom tidy

So he's lying about that as well which surely tells you all you need to know.

There is no reason for him to lie about anything if he's got nothing to hide.

quite the detective columbo, yep some sort of fishy going on