Is it possible to forgive abuse?

[OneAvidAmberLion]

Truly forgive and stay in the relationship?

I'm trying hard to do this. My partner is desperate for us to stay together. He promises he'll never, ever do what he did to me again. I do believe him, he's stuck to that for several months now. However, I don't know if I can forgive and forget.

He begs me to stay with him, he can't do enough for me now. He's a great partner in all respects except for one - in the bedroom.

I want to forgive, but it's easier said than done. When I imagine my life without him in it, I feel so lost.

He's a great partner in all respects except for one - in the bedroom.

You forgot the second. He’s an abuser

Is the abuse bedroom related?

In my book abuse is unforgivable.

He promises he'll never do it again.

But has he actually said sorry? Has he acknowledged that what he did was appalling and deliberate abuse and he should never have done it?

This is part of a cycle which keeps women trapped. He may even be able to keep it up for 6 months or so. You're trauma bonded. You know really that it's unforgiveable and he won't change. I really recommend the book "living with the Dominator" by pat graven. It discusses these cycles and behaviours x

Physical abuse? Sexual?

What has he done in the mere few months to show he's made permanent changes to his abusive personality? Has he done individual counseling and anger management? Have you had therapy to deal with his abuse?

Do not do joint counseling with an abuser.

From the little you've posted, it sounds like he's said sorry and you're trying to rugsweep violence and possibly sexual coercion and rape. That's not going to work, especially if he's still sexually abusing you.

Why should you forgive him? Genuinely, why shouldnt you hold his actions against him forever?

Also, what has he done to deserve that forgiveness? Saying sorry is not enough. What else has he done? 'Several months' of behaving nicely is no time at all. Maybe years would be enough.

Im not sure you want to forgive. You're just scared of splitting up, entering the unknown. That's ok, as long as youre safe, you can take your time to be ready. Whether thats to forgive him or leave him.

Was the incident a one-off or was it part of an escalating pattern?

Did he recognise immediately that he'd fucked up, and was genuinely sorry immediately?

There's a lot of bandwidth between "We've been together 10 years with no problems at all, one night he got drunk and clumsily hurt me during sex" and "He's been getting worse and worse for years, has now seriously hurt me during sex and only apologised when I said I was leaving him"

The first can perhaps be moved on from, with appropriate changes and genuine remorse from him. The second is a pattern of systemic abuse in which he will temporarily mend his behaviour, then slip back to his old ways when he thinks he's got you "back in line". The slip can often be timed to coincide with you becoming more trapped for example a new pregnancy, loss of job, financial commitments such as buying a house.

If you'd known what he was going to do, would you have ever agreed to date him, let alone marry him?

If the answer is no, it means that the person you thought you knew doesn't exist, and now you have to decide if you want to accept this new person in their place.

It's more complicated now as you've spent time with him, know intimate things about him, but I think the wisdom that is still within you knows that this is not a good man for you.

The question is, do you even want to give him the opportunity to do whatever he did again, and risk further scarring yourself? How low are you actually willing to go? Good questions to ask yourself.

You know, it's pretty difficult to act like someone you're not for a sustained period of time. That's why most abusers only last a few months before they slip back into their real self.

No you can't forgive abuse and stay in the relationship and you shouldn't.
I have forgiven my ex husband for his emotional abuse but we separated 16 years ago and he has genuinely changed a lot in that time. I couldn't have stayed with him. For one thing, our relationship dynamics would never have changed fundamentally enough that I could ever have felt safe.
What work has he done on himself to change his attitudes and behaviour? Is he still abusing you in any way?

He's not done anything even remotely wrong for 6 months.

Prior to that, he definitely did. I don't know entirely what to call it, it's not straight forward. I was ill, physically and mentally and he took advantage of that by having sex with me that I can't remember.

I've a lot to lose. We've been together 10 years. It's only now that I'm no longer ill that I can think about what I need and want.

As long as you stay, he can pretend his behaviour is ok

And if you get ill again?

Have you been together in a relationship for the past 6 months?
What does he say about his abuse of you?
Do you really feel safe sharing a bed with him?

I am guessing you are entirely dependent on him; you don’t work; and have no support system or friends?

Hence feeling he is your life

correct?

I was ill, physically and mentally and he took advantage of that by having sex with me that I can't remember

I'm sorry OP, but that is the behaviour of a predator.

It's incredibly important that women end up in relationships with men they can trust when they are at their most vulnerable. It's the ultimate test of character.

This is exactly what he'll slip back into once you're sufficiently vulnerable again. Just imagine yourself with the beginnings of dementia or similar, or if you end up in an accident one day and you need quite intense physical care. Awful to think about.

The reason why you keep coming back to it is because you've seen what he can and will do to you, when he thinks he can, and understandable, you don't trust him anymore.

So he's a rapist?

Sexual offenders rarely offend once. It's an attitude of entitlement that is deeply ingrained.

He is a rapist. Unforgivable.

Speak to Women's Aid for advice and support to get away from him.

Do you have children with him?

It’s concerning that you think 6 months of good behaviour means that he’s a changed man. It doesn’t mean that. A good man can go 6 decades+ without abusing his partner.

If you told him that he abused you, how would he react. Would he try and minimise with “but” and use your illness as an excuse? Would he be angry? The real test is what happens when you say no to him. Controlling people can’t cope with that and will show their true colours.

You can’t and shouldn’t forget the past. It sounds like you’re not ready to leave yet but your brain is rightly storing the info and trying to protect you because it knows that things are wrong. The fact that you were ill and vulnerable is no excuse but it may take you time to accept that.

I wouldn't advise it.

What sort of man takes the opportunity to rape you when you're ill?

There's something deeply wrong with him.

It would never occur to me to sexually assault someone I supposedly love while they're vulnerable. Would it to you?

How do you now know about the sex you can’t remember?

Well you generally know when you have had sex or not. Whether you were conscious or
unconscious

Do you really think this is an appropriate question?

Flashbacks and later conversations.