I don’t know how to feel about- was I wrong

[Ickaflick]

I met my partner 5 years ago. We were both 31. I had a child from my first marriage already. We moved in together. I always knew he wanted another child of his own. I didn’t really, but I was open to it when I saw how amazing he was with our daughter. I never wanted kids to begin with, my first daughter was a “mistake” and I was in an abusive marriage which I left. My first husband didn’t help with our daughter at all and I did all the work while managing a full time career in law.

My partner on the other hand was a great step dad to my daughter - she sees her real dad but he’s a Disney dad and my partner did homework with her. Taught her to ski, ride a bike etc. The issue is he was very short tempered with me, often abusive eg with name calling and me even grabbed me by the collar once. In his anger he punched a wall, threw water on me and more and he said it’s bc I ignored his needs. He’s never hit me. Fast forward he’s moved out bc I won’t have a baby or make plans to buy a house with him. He called me a fucking cunt for wasting his best years and said I strung him along. I feel guilty as he would have made a great dad but I wasn’t comfortable with his behaviour towards me. His excuse is that I’m selfish and a narcissist.

I wonder if things would have been better if I hadn’t always been on the fence with him and ignored his needs while pursuing my own goals.

Just looking for perspective really… I feel never made me feel secure enough to have another child even though he was good with mine.

You’ve had a lucky escape to not be tied to this person forever.

Sounds like you’ve moved from one abusive man to another. You don’t need to be beaten to be abused in a relationship
Well done for not having a baby with this man, sounds like he’s showing his true colours

What are you on about? He is an abusive cunt and that is nothing to do with you. You do realise he was being a 'good' dad to your daughter to manipulate you not because he loved your daughter and when his manipulation failed his rage revealed itself.

Manipulative and abusive, he needs to go.

Thank goodness you didn’t get pregnant. Do not let him continue to have access to your daughter.

He was abusive to you, and by extension your DD.

The thing is I was diagnosed with Asperger’s and all my life I’ve been a loner. I needed a lot of alone time and so he felt that his needs weren’t being met because I was always doing my own thing or pursuing my interests which I’m very addicted to. He said I was always flying all over the world for work and to see my parents and when he was starting his business and not working didn’t even offer to take him with me (but I’d have to pay for him). I can see that I did ignore some of his needs and he says I lied to him and strung him along bc day 1 I knew he wanted a child.

Just be very grateful you didn't have another child with him. You went from one abusive relationship to another - this is a pattern you need to break. You need to stay single and work on yourself so that this doesn't happen again, for yourself and your daughter. Cut all contact with this abusive man, he is blaming you for his own toxic behaviour but nobody deserves to be abused and you've done the right thing ending the relationship.

Frankly I think it's bizarre that you think a man with a viscious temper and a vile tongue would make a "great" father. I hope he never finds a woman willing to have a child with him.

You absolutely did the right thing.

It's creepy that he was "good" to your DD whilst being abusive to you.

Five years was a long time for you to put off having a baby with him. Thank god you did but why didn't you end things earlier?

Because I was trying to work out if I was the problem as I was always busy or wanted alone time to pursue my interests or my career goals. I don’t think I properly made time for him but on the other hand I think he was too needy and he also whined a lot and complained a lot. Every little
thing I did wrong would turn into a scandal

You dodged a massive bullet, also for your daughter. He's a dangerous man, the physical and verbal violence he subjected to you would only have gotten worse once he had managed to trap you into a mortgage and another child.

Pat yourself on the back for listening to your gut.

As far as him being "a great stepdad", I bet he is not heartbroken that he will not see her anymore.

Hello @Ickaflick . Nobody should be tied to a partner like your ex. I would just start by saying that you need to forget about thoughts like " I feel guilty as he would have made a great dad..." - No. No he wouldn't have. Do you know what is the base of being a good dad? Being a good person, a good human. An abusive, short-tempered moron is not that. Holding back the arrogant, and quite clearly aggressive d-ckhead that he truly is while he plays with lego or throws a frisbee around with a child does not make up for the very, VERY unacceptable behaviour issues he has. So no, never think that.

Secondly, even if you were prioritising your needs (not saying you were), but even if you were, his reaction is unacceptable. The way he lashed out, the way he treated you? Textbook arrogant and ignorant moron. Who got angry for his cheap plans not paying off the way he wanted to. Everything he called you, is a reflection of himself, never forget that..

Or better yet, forget him as soon as you can... Process what happened and please, look after yourself, because what you described could've become even uglier. And we are all glad it didn't.. Now focus on yourself/yourselves with your child, and find some peace.

Your autism may have made you insensitive to his feelings. It may not have felt like a partnership to him, if you didn’t consider him in your plans and life organisation.

BUT- that’s a sign the relationship wasn’t working, not a reason to have a baby or give him everything he asks for.

He chose to stay. He saw how you behaved, how you live, how you interact, and he chose to stay with you for 5 years. Now he has chosen to leave.

And as he has a problem with bad temper, that’s a good thing.

DH almost has autism, though not diagnosed at his age. I have often felt overlooked as he gets on with his various work and hobby distractions. Number of times I have punched the wall, shouted at him, thrown water at him? Zero. Sworn at him? Once, and very calmly. He wasn’t taking any notice of something I’d said to him repeatedly so I realised I needed to draw his attention to it’s importance and swearing did that.

So your ex chose to stay 5 years and chose to be angry and abusive.

I’d avoid men if I were you. Too much complication!

Please stay single until your DD moves out.

You are not safe enough to have these men around her whilst she’s still living there.

If you want companionship then see them at their home when DD is with her dad.
Tell them you only want it to be casual and do not introduce them to her.

Presumably he also knew from day 1 that you didn’t want another child?

Not only is he abusive but also a man child. You are not his entertainment, what are these needs you ignored??

You're allowed to have your own holidays, own hobbies, own interests, it's actually very healthy.

If you genuinely ignored him the majority of the relationship, he could have left. In fact, I bet you didn't ignore him/ his needs as much as he's saying because he sounds self-absorbed and I doubt someone like that would actually have stayed five years of they were being ignored.

He's blaming you so you feel guilty, when it's his abuse and temper that is the problem.

My dad used to hit my mum as well as being verbally and emotionally abusive.
He only started hitting my older sister once she was a teenager. Usually when my mam wasn’t around to take the brunt and he was in a “mood”.
You have no reason to believe this guy wouldn’t have become abusive to your daughter or any kid you had with him at some point.
It is good that you’re out of this relationship, but very concerning that you don’t recognise the extent that he has clearly emotionally manipulated you and the damage it has done.
Maybe seeking counselling would be helpful for you x

He wasn’t a good step dad. Good step dads are not abusive to their partners.

Hope you and DC have no contact with him now.