Baby only 6 months old but think relationship is over?

[itsonlyseeds]

I'm really sad that I seem to have lost feelings for my partner.

We've actually been together a very long time and have a much older child together, so I am confused by my feelings now. Don't want to do anything rash in case it's just hormones or whatever, but I'm so so unhappy I'm finding it hard to be in the same room as him.

I don't understand why now I feel this way? He's always been moody, sometimes he is fine, other times he is horribly snappy. He's always had some kind of ego problem where he has to have a superiority complex. He's always been unreliable financially ie generous when he has money but will walk out of jobs due to arguments with people. I am not perfect and certainly in our time together I have done wrong and caused issues, and I do have health issues he puts up with.

It was me who wanted to have another baby when our older child is nearly university age. He did agree though and I don't think it's that he's become worse due to resentment of the baby or anything, I think he's always been like this and suddenly the scales have fallen from my eyes and I find him unbearable.

Maybe it's an age thing. I was 19 when we met and I'm nearly 39 now.

What do I do? Practically I could leave but it would feel like cutting off a limb after we've been together my whole adult life, and I would feel bad for our kids although our oldest child has his own life mostly now but our baby. I still love him but I don't like him if that makes sense.

The obvious question here is why did you decide to have another baby? It is quite an unusual decision I think.

Because looking at your relationship as an outsider as far as I can see you got together at 19, had a baby at 20 and then at 38 you realised that your eldest was about to leave home and rather than thinking “At last! Time for us! How lovely!” You thought “Shit! Now what! New Baby!”

I don’t think anyone should make big decisions when they have a baby if they can possibly avoid it. But it is worth thinking about why you wanted a second baby when your first was an adult but not when he was 2 or 4 or 6 or even 10?

What do you mean he didn’t agree to another baby? Was he involved in the decision to stop using contraception?

@Easylifeornot read it again, he did agree.

I know it probably sounds like madness to have another baby. Reason I wanted to was mostly that I wanted to experience motherhood again as a 'proper adult' this time, because I was very young last time and didn't appreciate it. I was also worried I'd regret not doing it. We were not in a position to have another when our older child was younger due to various family things, partner also had an alcohol problem which he stopped a few years ago, but his moods remain he is like a dry drunk. We also missed having young children around.

He did agree to having another, but he did have reservations.

It's so strange that I didn't find his moods, superiority complex, irresponsibility etc so off putting for all those years, but now I suddenly cannot stand it. I know we all have bad traits I certainly do I can be over anxious and a bit negative also not as ambitious as he'd like and in the past I have been jealous. His bad traits just seem so pathetic to me now, and he just gets angry , never sees that he should have to change anything.

You’ve seen the light OP. It happens as women get older. Don’t stay for the kids.

Of course you have to leave. You cannot stand to be in the same room as him and reading what you’ve written I don’t blame you!

Nearer the menopause rose-tinted glasses go. Nature put them on in the first place, on purpose, to get children to be born.

Most of all though, just after having a baby, anyone can very easily feel extremely low.
You may be sleep and nutrient depleted, and without time to yourself.

Hi OP. It may be that you were able to get on with things and push aside any traits that you didn't like while you were raising your oldest and getting on with life doing the day to day. But now that your oldest has his own life and you have a newborn it can feel like you've already lived a lifetime (in a way you have, seeing your first child become an adult) and now you're having to start over (with baby) and you don't want to live that life again. Does that make sense?

It's not necessarily about staying or leaving, but about wanting to do it differently, have your relationship be different when raising this child and when that doesn't seem possible or you just don't know how to change it then the natural thought becomes "should I leave".

@10namechangeslater and @ScrollingLeaves Yeah I think my hormones are changing maybe starting peri. I don't think I have PND but I am quite tired and probably still anaemic and never get any time to myself or to ourselves. There were plenty babysitters when our eldest was young but now the relatives are either too busy with their own kids or too old.

@marriagecoach Thank you this has given me some things to ponder. Yes when our eldest was young his drinking caused a lot of problems and heartache for me. Also to be fair I was quite all over the place as well not with that but with my own mental health. Although the eldest has turned out a lovely young man, I do want to do things differently this time. Whilst I'm proud of DP for addressing his drinking, he hasn't addressed the issues which caused it well in my opinion anyway, and he is often snappy, selfish, and difficult to be around. For everyone including his family, our eldest, bosses. Although he can come across as niceness personified if it's someone he likes or looks up to, which I find pathetic and aggravating.
I think a lot of it is that I have grown up and changed and some of his traits I used to not quite 'see' I now see.

Sorry I misunderstood.

I wonder if nearly 20 years later you have higher expectation and less energy but he isn’t stepping up and changing.

From the way you have described him, he doesn't sound like a person who is easy to be with. I have no answers as to why it's bothering you now but we do change as we age. If you wanted to wait and see if these feelings change back, that would be understandable. If you felt that you were no longer compatible due to the feelings that have surfaced and his difficult behaviour, that's a valid choice as well.

Speculating, I wonder if part of you is remembering the impact he had on your previous experience of parenting and would like the opportunity to get it right by doing it without him.

Except for the drinking, he sounds a lot like my first husband. Mine suffered from depression, which resulted in him lashing out in anger at me. When I was about your age, I told him I wanted a divorce and that scared him into going to a psychiatrist and getting on medication, and it made a huge difference. However, two years later he all of a sudden said he never meant to be on meds a lifetime. I begged him not to stop, but he did and became even worse than before, so at age 45, I divorced him, telling him that even if he went back on meds, I was done. He'd killed any love I ever had for him.

So if you want to give this a last chance before throwing in the towel, address the topic carefully and tell him you've observed how he doesn't seem happy and if he could possibly talk with a doctor to see if antidepressants could help. If he absolutely refuses, you don't need to make any rash decisions, but start getting your ducks in a row. Take him off as a co-user of your credit cards and bank accounts. I don't know whether or not you've had a good career, but if not, it might be time to take a few night classes while your husband watches your child, or online classes. Good luck!

Bit silly having another baby. 🙄

By having another baby were you subconsciously trying to return to the early days of your relationship when you were still in love with him, and now that didn’t work you understand that you don’t even like him?