Don’t know if I’m doing this right but I desperately need to tell someone, anyone what’s happening to me. My heart is racing, can barely catch my breath and can’t stop thinking about ending it all.
My husband is driving my son and I to despair. Last night he spiraled into a rage, no physical violence but hours of shouting, stomping and not listening to anything either of us said. In recent years my life has become centred on managing him, for the sake of our 14yr old, and trying to keep in check his increasingly aggressive behaviour especially towards local politicians and others in authority, people I - in my professional role - have to work with. It’s beyond rational. Im constantly on edge, worrying what he’s said and done now. The anxiety build up in me is more than I can take. Tonight my heart is racing, tension all over and I can barely string two words together. I am almost certain i have depression but the thought of raising this with a doctor is too much - the shame is overwhelming, and staring this head on will mean I lose my job (the only thing that makes me feel any worth) and then I will have no way to support myself. Overs the years to keep the peace I’ve drifted from anyone who might have been a friend and have no one. And he controls all the money. I know this is all wrong and am so ashamed ive let it get this bad, but I just need him to find the rational, caring person he used to be. How can I bring him back?
And the thought of what this is doing to my son fills me with horror and disgust.
feel like my life is being extinguished slowly and tbh right now if it wasn’t for my son I’d gladly welcome the end