Am I going mad?

[Jammiesdodger]

Few problems with DH over the last year or so. Been together 15 years 2 DC. Out communication isnt great, i have a very poor memory so will text him the important stuff just so theres a record of it. Our eldest DC started secondary school last September and is having a rough ride of it. 3/4 incidents of bullying from older students which came to a head today. This has resulted in the safeguarding team contacting me and a meeting has been arranged for tomorrow morning. This has been discussed with DC this afternoon and then we tried to keep the rest of the evening normal taking them for a takeaway meal and watching some of their fave programmes before bed. At bedtime we prepared their uniforms for tomorrow then said goodnight. This is were I think DH was unreasonable. He brought up the plan for tomorrow morning. We would take him to school instead of him walking with friends. He asked why and DH reminded him of the meeting with the house mentors etc. I got annoyed stating that he didnt have to remind him just before bed as it will be playing on his mind and what a horrible thing to be thinking about just before sleep. He said DC already knew he was just reminding him. I said it was stupid to bring it up jist before bed. Thisnresulted in me going downstairs and having a small cry as I feel so bad for DC and I felt DH was insensitive. Cue a argument were I felt he was totally in the wrong and him saying I made it worst for saying out loud "well done, good job reminding him about school tomorrow!" I know i didnt cover myself in glory but I was just so frustrated. Anyways currently in separate rooms not talking. I always feel when hes done something wrong he will never admit it or very much downplay it. I cant stand people never admitting when they are in the wrong. AIBU for expecting him not to stress DC out late at night or was he just being practical and logical?

You've totally overreacted. You went for a cry?! Your DH was being practical to iron out any final logistical issues and reassure your child that the plan was in place. DC is hardly going to have forgotten what's happening because you had a takeaway.

It sounds as though you are so stressed up about the bullying and about the meeting you over reacted OP.
I don't think your DH did anything wrong in reminding your DC about what is happening tomorrow.
Hopefully if you can present a united front at the meeting and get a plan arranged with the school you will be a lot calmer.

Get a grip!! Crying? What an example to set 🙄

It was a bit of an overreaction.

@JutrScotcrying alone. Not infront of my DC

YABU. Obviously. Go for a walk, clear your head and pull yourself together. Then apologise.

Still ridiculous.

Practical and logical

You massively overreacted. He was just being practical and logical. It is better to frame tomorrow as a great chance to stop the bullying, not present it anxiously. You will support him and get it sorted together as a family. Crying is an abusrd reaction.

Your DH doesn't need to admit he is in the wrong because he isn't.

You have totally overreacted.

I think him laying out what is happening in the morning is a good thing. Your DC hasn't just forgotten about it all because you watched some TV and had a takeaway. Your DH just seems to want everything to run smoothly in the morning which is a good thing.

The fact you have had a cry and turned this into an argument is a bit silly.

I get that you are stressed and upset about this but I suggest its you that needs to apologise here, not him.

You’ve overreacted and stressed

go and acknowledge this to your husband and smooth it out before the morning

Also OP you say that you can't stand people never admitting when they are in the wrong. Are you willing to admit that YOU are in fact the one in the wrong here?

Do you feel like you're doing the emotional labour for the whole family?

When emotions run high, we don't always communicate as a psychologist would recommend. But perhaps in the future, we might remind ourselves of blowups like this and to take a few breaths to think of a better way to voice the same message in a less offensive way. It's okay to have differing opinions. You could've talk to your DH later and said something like: It's good you discussed the plan for the day with DC, but maybe it would've been better to do so in the morning, in case the subject would keep him from sleeping well. Something to think about for similar issues in the future.

Maybe that would've planted a seed in his head for rethinking similar matters in the future. Anyway, there's no way your DH is going to be receptive when you're using the word stupid and saying things in a sarcastic manner. Try to think of how you'd like to be spoken to if the tables were turned.

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPastaooh Yes. DH is practical and gets the job done. I do too but 100% I am.the only parent the DC come to for chats, hugs and support. I am jist feeling so bad for DC as big school hasnt been the smoothest of rides.and today was just the point were I have had enough. In all honesty my werks been awful with a good friend getting a cancer diagnosis so yeh Ive been overwhelmed this week.and I will apologise

@@ScorpionLioness79 ive taken everything you've said on board. Thank you

It's all on you here, dh has done nothing wrong, just answered ds's question. You've basically called your DH stupid (in front of the DC?), and then had another go at him downstairs.

So I agree with your preference for giving him a nice evening and sending him to bed relaxed and happy. I’d have been annoyed too.

I wouldn’t have addressed it in front of ds, and I’d have just said later that it’s a shame we reminded him if the meeting when he was getting ready to sleep. Then on a future occasion I’d have reminded DH that it’s better not to remind them of worries at bedtime.

No arguments, just a learning process about how to handle things.

So from my perspective, 6 of one, half dozen of the other.

I think you’re just stressed and maybe over reacted and caused a bit of a scene and now want your husband to take responsibility so you don’t feel it was your fault.

try and get some sleep.

When a child has problems in their school life they need their parents to stay calm and be the rock that they can trust. You have had an awful week and were on edge about it all and that is understandable. I hope you can make things up with your OH and that you will both be able to work together to support your child. I am sure you will.

I understand OP. I'd think the same. That's the kind of thing my ex used to do and we'd fall out about. It's difficult but he was probably being caring by reassuring of the arrangements whereas your idea to keep him relaxed by not mentioning it would also have worked. I prefer your idea but I think your DH was coming from a good place. You probably cried because it's all got on top of you. Hope tomorrow goes well.

No need for posters to tell you to get a grip, its just being mean when things are already stressful, it’s clear you cried out of frustration from the whole situation, not just what happened before bed with dh.

Surely your son would have been thinking about it anyway? Just because you don't say it out loud doesn't mean it's not on his mind. Yabu

Hi op I don’t think you overreacted I think it’s hard when your dc is getting bullied and you had hoped by distracting him he would sleep ok when your stupid dh reminded him he was more likely going to fret going to bed. Also I think we can act like this as you feel you can’t protect your dc and high school is important that he settles in I would ignore posters slagging you off for crying we all react differently and sometimes you need to cry. You didn’t do anything wrong in my opinion.

I see your point. You’d done all the emotional labour and made sure your boy had a nice afternoon/eve and your H was totally out of alignment with that.

You must be very worried about it all, and were feeling fragile. Let it go and focus on next steps. Good luck.

He might prefer walking with his mates.