Staying for the children after partner’s infidelity

[Rubylu]

I found out my partner cheated on me in January, it happened a year before, there was nothing physical however quite a few message exchanges with an ex.

I’ve stayed mainly because of my kids, we have 2 under 3. Without him I wouldn’t be able to afford our house, the kids would have to go to nursery full time so that I could work full time to support us and that would only just cover the bills, let alone extra nursery fees.

I love him, but not in the same way I used to, in some ways I love him more, and obviously in others less. He has been trying to prove himself to me since I found out. He’s done everything right in terms of rekindling trust, but I know I will never trust him again, not the same way I used to. I look at him differently now. The first few weeks I had rose tinted glasses on and thought he was amazing, weird how it does that to you.

I know I’m being selfish by not leaving, however I also have my kids to think about and they will always come first. But I think I know that once they’re older I will probably leave, is that so bad?

How is that cheating?

It was very flirty and sexual

i left my exh when my dd was 4. Soon after I met my partner and his ds was 3. They are older now and I’m so thankful that the splits/our new relationship was whilst they were young rather than older.

If you are putting your kids first you’d leave now rather than when they are older and have to learn how to understand what’s happening. From experience it gets harder for them when they’re older. I stayed with my DH after he cheated several times because honestly I loved him and figured he’d always come home (of course I know that’d ridiculous). Eventually he left me for another woman anyway. Please bear in mind that even if you forgive him, it doesn’t mean he’s not still willing to take a better offer.

It’s a risk. You may end up losing control of the narrative if he meets someone else before you’re ready to separate from him.

Also, children pick up on a hostile or indifferent atmosphere at home. It’s not pleasant. Ask any adult whose parents were antagonistic or apathetic towards each other. It’s so hard to hide it.

Yes. It is bad. Better now while young enough to get used to it. Awful for them to know you stayed in an unhappy and failed marriage for them. Unacceptable responsibility to put on them.

How much older would your kids have to be then?. Six, right, ten?. Do not do that to them. Be brave and make the break from him sooner rather than later.

Trust is like a vase and he’s smashed it. It’s sort of been put back together but the cracks still remain.

If there is now no trust there is really no relationship.

Do not stay with a chest for the supposed sake of the children. Whose sake are you staying for really because it can be argued it’s not theirs at all but your own because it’s somehow “easier”. Teach them better lessons about relationships than to stay with a cheat, they will thank you for doing so.

Do what you have to do.
Rebuild yourself, ensure the relationship is 50/50 .

So he exchanged flirty/sexual messages 12 months ago , it never became physical , & what ?, that was it then he just stopped & you discovered the messages in Jan ?.
Sounds weird 🤷🏻‍♀️.
How do you know they never met ?