Stepping away from toxic family and abuse

[CantMakerHerThink]

I’m just at a total loss at the moment.

I have a few sisters. The youngest is quite a bit younger and has been stuck in a loop of a very abusive relationships. Her DSs dad, somebody tried to murder him. So the poor kid doesn’t have a dad in his life. Then she got with the biggest A hole I’ve ever met and he had terrorised her. Attempted strangulation, emotional torture, hiding keys, locking her in the house. She had a a baby with him and since then it’s got worse. They split up 2-3 months ago after multiple people reported to Claire’s law/social services etc. Not one person who knows him likes him or thinks he’s mentally stable. He’s cut himself and stated blood all over her house, pulled doors off hinges and “faked” throwing a flask of boiling water over her while she was holding the baby. He’s jumped from the bedroom window after locking her in. He’s committed enteral warfare against my nephew and still, she takes him back despite the fact I’ve reported him repeatedly.

This morning I found out she’s back with him. I think I already knew. I’m just in absolute bits. I have told my other sisters I won’t be going around tonight as we had a planned get together for her milestone birthday. I just can’t sit there and act like this is ok. He’s a drug addicted monster . My sister said this is exactly what he wants, for us to turn our back on her and I’ve said they are free to do whatever they want and see her at will. But right now, I can’t be around her and act like I am ok. It doesn’t help that years ago when I was a young adult I was also in a very violent relationship with a similar man. I find it incredibly upsetting to see her throwing her kids into this disaster x a one when she has seen first hand the effect that it had on my tiny children growing up. Yet she’s willingly doing it to her own.

it doesn’t help that when they split up he took his washing machine and tv and sold them for drug money. At her request, I took out credit for her despite my DH telling me it was a mistake. £600 to be repaid at £100 a month and it’s 6 weeks in and she’s paid just £50. Now he’s back in her house using things I’ve got no choice but to pay for.

so I’ve told them all I’m stepping back and focusing on myself and my own family. As the eldest I’ve always tried to help out with child care and support wherever possible. And I think I’ve possibly gone too far and maybe invested too much of myself into their lives? I don’t know. I’m just so confused and upset for my poor DNs.

At some point, estrangement is the only option left except for enablement. What a terrible situation to be in for you both, but you can only control yourself.

Your DS is right, if you turn your back it is giving this ass hole full access to do whatever. Report to SS NOW and involve the police if you feel there is a threat to the DC. This is the only way to wake your DS up as SS will valuate the situation. There is duty of care and ignoring this can have serious consequences for the DC involved.

I have reported. Repeatedly. Including threats he made to myself when I knocked to give my DN a Mother’s Day bag for the following day. I’ve been there when the police are there and made sure I was recorded on the body cam saying that he had strangled her. The police heard her 7yo son say he was scared and he was always sitting and screaming at his mummy. She has a dv worker. I’ve done a Claire’s law as I’m so concerned and listed my concerns in detail and although he has criminal convictions there is nothing the police can do assist from inform her.. She knows 100% that he also horrifically abused his ex as she picks up the dss from her and she said she will never tell another living person what he put her through.

i have done EVERYTHING I can and I am the only person in my entire family that actually HAS done anything.

ironically my youngest dsis works in safeguarding management with vulnerable children and this seems to mean that SS don’t really care.

either way I didn’t go to the get together. She’s delighted with the present I chose and purchased. So I’m done until the next time he terrorises her and I’m just hoping he doesn’t hurt her or the kids in the mean time.

I can understand how extremely frustrating and worrying this must be for you. When my sister was in an abusive relationship (she went back to him after he beat her up) I just wanted to shake her and yell at her not to be so stupid! (But I didn't) Instead I told her that I wasn't going to see him at all because if I did, I'd probably bash his head in with a baseball bat. I told her I was happy to see her on her own but I wouldn't come to her house and he wasn't welcome at mine.

Please don’t think I’m cutting her off, I’m not. Should I bump into her or see her at a family event then i will absolutely be polite and friendly and she knows he’s not welcome at family event so im not going any bumping into him ( unless it’s with my car). But at the moment I can’t just sit there while she tries to talk about her home life like he’s some sort of human with feelings and emotions when I know full well what a total and utter cocklodging monster he is. I don’t have it in me to smile and change the subject. I can’t just forget the trauma and damage he’s caused to my nephew. I can’t forget his poor terrified face as he sat in my car in his undies after this man threatened to “sort me out” for dropping off a Mother’s Day bag for a 7yo kid to give his mum. She refused to allow me to take my dn home to mine to calm down and so I had to send him back into that house while I was calling the police. That innocent child had lost his sparkle so much in the last 18 months and yes reverse he had no father figure he’s desperate for this monsters love. And my sister can’t see any of it. She’s totally and utterly under his control.

That is so awful 😔 your poor nephew. I can understand you feeling angry that she isn't prepared to protect her own children. I think you're right to stick to just being polite and not getting drawn into her talking about her home life with him. With my sister, I told her exactly what I thought of him and that I thought she was mad to go back to him and after that she avoided talking about him to me. Like you, I couldn't grit my teeth and listen to her talk about stuff they were doing, I was so furious.

Fuck op! Those poor children.

All you can do is report report report.

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this scary Abusive and volatile situation. You must feel so bloody helpless.

💐