lets talk about sex??!!!!

[unsexy]

name change due to nature of thread and embarrasment it will cause in the morning once i am sober!

so i am drunk(ish) have been talking with dp to the female half of a couple we regularly chat to in our local! dp decided to bring up our sex life or lack of! which i dont mind as the couple in question are quite liberal and of similar age. plus she was drunker than me so wont remember the conversation in the morning anyway

so.......she has sex about 3 times a week usuallt intiated by her, me and dp are lucky if we get it 3 times a month much to his dismay!!

since meeting dp (four years ago) i have gone from a skelatal size 8 (size 10 - 12 is my ideal) to an absolutley massive (imo) size 20!! so dont feel v sexy at all! dp has also gone up in size but it was his eyes, tan and cute little mole that attracted me to him so i still find him sexy. he has however admitted that if i was the size i am now when he met me he wouldnt have been interested, although he is adamant that he still finds me attractive.

plus i get up early with kids and need to sleep a lot so like to go to bed early, where he is at the pub most nights and i am waiting for him! so when it comers to it id rather be sleeping.

my other reason for not wanting sex is that i dont find me sexy and dont like seeing me naked!! plus dp mentions sex every other minute which i find really off putting as feel pressured and would rather it be a "i want you now" than "we having sex tonight or i am being turned down again?"

the girl we were talking to says that they have sex about three times a week which she considers normal dp thiks that we should be doing it 2-4 times a week. surely most people dont do it this week and it is more like once a week?

any tips on improving my sex drive/lowering his/finding a compromise would be welcome

No instant solutions, I'm afraid, but exercise always works for me! It makes me feel good about myself and has helped me shift the weight- like you when I feel too big for my own body I don't feel sexy, so I think self-esteem comes into it a lot. I believe there are natural endorphins from exercise too which make you feel more energized and positive!

If you make the first move you might also feel more in control and sexier, rather than feeling you are having sex because you have been nagged into it. Even if you don't really feel like it, it is worth trying, cos it's surprising how you can have really good sex when you didn't even think you were in the mood!

Ok, far from being an expert, hell knows I'm not but I'm wondering about how/where the weight crept up? I don't think it's necessarily bad to be a larger lady if your eating right and with exercise etc. I hate the idea of this cultural idea that we should all be a particular size to be perfect, whatever the hell that is!

I get a gut sense that your comfort eating though

i have lost weight am losing on average about 2 lb a week and am ordering winsor pilates tomorrow if anyone has that? id like to know if it works?

im never in the mood to intiate tbh, apart from when he irons the whole ironing box that is but he hasnt caught onto that just yet!!!

i enjoy sex when i feel like we have the time. dp is actually the best bed partner i have had, but seems like it is more about him atm, my bit is rushed!! i would prefer to have the time to take things slower without thinking "i dont have time for this i have to be up in x hours!" and for him to slow down and take his time the way he used to

Don't shoot me for probably the most stoopid question of the week award but could you bring yourself to say this to him? I mean I have often said to lovers in the past, listen hun the more you turn me on the more I can in turn, turn you on. You say your working on your weight which is great, if it's for you but you can bet your last pound there are lots of slim women out there with difficulties too. I really think a boost to your confidence is long overdue too.

I could be way off the mark here but are you a bit passive around him? Don't get me wrong I love the whole he's my big strong man protecting me bit at times but what about the blooody sexy wonderful woman that you are too?

Do you ever get the chance opportunity to have a night away from dc?

Oh and you've hit on something there, "to take his time the way he used to" So imo you are working on your weight, great but work on your self esteem but just as importantly he has to row in too, it's not a one man band so to speak. I mean it doesen't have to be gung ho but I think a few gentle nudges and hints in his direction wouldn't go amiss but please don't be comparing yourself to other couples, recipe for disaster imo.

My dh and I are probably once-a-weekers now (there, I've said it) and I think that post kids it takes a lot more planning, which for us means deciding together when to do the deed, i.e. usually Saturday or Sunday. Ds2 has his nap and Ds1 has a movie and we disappear to 'fold laundry' in the bedroom.

Your man being in the pub is unhelpful - could you suggest that if he gets home by 9pm you could both have an 'early night'?

rofl at him being my big strong man!!!! dp has often said that id make a great boxer as i have big arms though he means that as a compliment!! he told me when he first met me that i was big, i was 5ft9 and a size 8!!! he meant tall! what he means about my arms is that i have muscle and can hold my own! he often says that if he is ever in a fight he would like me on side!

but as far as love making goes i do prefer to have the man take charge but not in a "can we have sex tonight" way but a "we are doing this now" (although i am fussy and this needs to be at apporopriate times not when the kids are still up!!)

he is insecure about his own appearance and performace so i guess i bit of praise from me wouldnt go a miss!

i think that i would feel a lot better if he just understood how low i feel about me atm and realised that i need to made to feel sexy too! i cant remember the last time he looked at me and said "you look really good/nice/sexy!" instead the best i get is "you look okay"

as for telling him how i feel i do try to but always just get "but i have put weight on to dont you think i feel the same?" (wasnt his bod that interested me in the first place though and have made this clear, dont get the same back though)

heya hunni, Im also a size 18-20 i hate my thighs my belly my arms u name it i hate it!

My partner also reassures me that he loves me for who i am and that he finds me attractive.

my stomachs covered in stretchmarks from having baby which makes me feel really uncomfortable. My partner on the other hand says he loves my stretchmarks, he tells me there a sign of the pain i went through to give him the greatest gift in life (my little tj ).

My baby is one now and my sex life has completely turned around. 2months having baby i was shy of my body ashamed you name it i was it. We used to have sex with a pillow between up covering my stomach (stupid i no!)

My partner then sat me down one day and told me that i should stop being insecure about myself and my body.(see i always worry hes going to run off with sum beautiful slim blonde lol) but he has assured me im the only women for him and no matter how big i go he will always see me as sexy beautiful ect.

Since then step by step i have become mre comfortable with my self and my body.

I think what you need to do is make yourself realise that you are 'big and beautiful' because if you dont realise this yourself you are not going to believe anyone else thinks this of you.

once you've done this then you will realise that your partner loves you for who you are not what you look like, and that he finds you attractive and loves everthing about you.

believe me i was exactly the same as you wondering in my head i wonder what he really thinks of me...do i make him sick???

Now iv got over my shyness and insecurity my sex life has never been better. and i thank my partner because he was the one that was always reassuring me that i am beautiful and that he does find me sexy no matter what anyone else thinks.

i hope i have helped you in some. Just remember big is beautiful lol

some way*

wouldn't you be best to lose some weight and get your self-esteem back? Disregarding sex, being that overweight is lining yourself up for diabetes, stroke, heart disease, cancer etc etc.

Sorry, but even if the "big is beautiful" works for your head-Hayley88- it sure isn't going to work for your long term health.

im size 18 but im not big if you get me lol i look at other people that are a size 18 and im not like them.

I think its my hips that causes me to be in a size 18 coz there big boned

i dont think that wold wrok for me hayley. i just cant get my head around how big i am. up unyill meeting dp (i blame his addiction to take aways) i have always been slim. i just dont feel like me anymore. i dont see me when i look i mirror i just see some huge fat bird staring back!! dont know why though, my friend has always been big and i have always admired how confident and sexy she is, i just cant seem to make myself feel that way!

i have lost weight gnd, i was a size 20 just after having my baby but am now down to a 16 and have lost 1st7. it hasnt made anymore confident though.

i think what i would like most would be for dp to understand how i feel and that it cant be just made better by him telling me he still finds me attractive when he wants sex! and for him to understand that it really really doesnt help when he says things like "should you order those trousers what about your legs, you are still big you know"

i have told him all this before but it doesnt seem to sink in.

like im in the same size clothes as my MIL and she saws theres no way ur in the same sizes as me. I am on a diet just to feel a little more good about myself.

But i dont really need to go on one.

If he's sayin stuff like that and not supporting you then maybe hes not worth it.

A partner should support you in everything you do and cheer you up when your down. They should always tell you how beautiful you are and how much you mean to them.

If hes saying things like that he isn't going to help you get your self confidence up. xxxx

I think you need to sit down with dp and be honest and explain if he wants to improve your sex life you both have to work at it. Explain that you tired and if he not at the pub and helps a bit with the things you need to do, you might be less tired and have more time for it/him. Explain you dont feel sexy at the mo and you need his help to make you feel more sexy.
Also concentrate on what will make you feel sexy, everyone is different. I can feel so not in the mood for sex but put on some nice underwear and suspenders and it automatically gets me in the mood. Most of the time I get dressed up it is not for my dh benefit although he enjoys it but it is more for my benefit, makes me feel sexy and womanly and different from normal mummy look.
But think you really need to talk to him, not accusingly ie 'you dont make me feel sexy'. But explain what you need to get you in the mood

Thing is, you think they're only saying you're beautiful because they want sex, so you don't believe them anyway.

I agree about the suspenders etc. Make yourself feel sexy. Become Miss Whiplash. Take charge. It's a lot more thrilling than cowering under the covers at bedtime, incase he comes waving that purple nodding thing at you again And if you're feeling a bit resentful of him at the mo, a miss whiplash session will help put you back in charge. Go on, give it a go. You might like it.

I could have typed your post a couple of times over the years. My advice is to ignore the weight thing, you need to feel sexy as you are now and not wait until you think you are " the right size". You also need to ignore your friend about the amount of sex your friend has. Ime it's the quality not quantity . The hardest thing to do is to chat to dp about what gets you both going, some fantsies you've always wanted to try. (sometimes easier after having a drink). No matter how embarrassing you think it is, you may be surprised at his reaction if he turns round and says, yes let's try it!
I hope that helps. Btw, I still don't feel sexy 6 months after DD was born but now that we can try exciting things it's now better than it's ever been.

I agree with Ambi, ignore the size thing and also ignore your friend. You have no way of knowing she is even being honest about the number of times she has sex in a week. And even if she is, so what? it is more important that the sex you do have is good, rather than lots of mediocre fumblings!
I speak from experience about the size issue. I am very big,about twice the size I was when I got married (mostly due to health problems, but I am now slowly losing it ( 4 stone so far). Throughout it all, and even now when I am still a size 24, my husband still tells me he fancies me and loves me and we still have great sex. He appreiciates the fact that I am really trying and determined to lose weight, but has never forced me into that situation. We have teenage sons and did lose some of the spontanaety because of that, but just lately, we have got that sorted and have found new places and times to have our fun. Trust me, teenage sons get far more embarrassed to realise what we have been doing than we do! But it does mean they respect our privacy more than they used to and they give us the space we need.Anyway, don't give up and good luck !