Should I inform estranged relatives about the funeral arrangements?

[Maurit]

A relative has just passed away and I’m arranging the funeral. The relative had not been contacted by his brother for many years and actively disliked his sister in law. I’m inclined not to tell this couple of his death or to invite them to his funeral, as I think that expresses the relative’s wishes. Should I do so?

I think you should inform them of the passing, I wouldn't mention the funeral, They might not want to even come. Did the deceased ever say not to let them attend?

Yes contact his brother to inform of passing

You think it expresses their wishes ? Did they not express this then ? I’d tell them personally

Unless you are 100% certain, then inform them of the funeral details.

Depends whether they expressly said not to. If they didn’t share their wishes, I’d update the brother. Even estranged family might need the ritual of a funeral to process the passing.
Sorry for your loss.

I'd tell them but not mention a funeral unless it's asked for. Deaths do funny things to people. It's not worth any trouble.

I’d inform them and see if they ask about funeral details

What would everyone else want? I’d probably let them know and I’d give details of the funeral.

I would tell them. They may not come but that is their choice. If you don't they will be able to make it look as if you didn't want them there and they are the victim. By giving them the information you take that ability away from them

If you genuinely believe he wouldn’t want these people to know or to attend his funeral, then I wouldn’t tell them. If they weren’t interested shen he was alive, I doubt they’ll care and if they do, they should have contacted him when he was still here.

You don’t invite people to a funeral, you inform them and then they decide whether or not they want to come. If your relative wouldn’t have wanted them there why tell them and risk them turning up?

Keep in mind it’s pretty common still to make funeral arrangements public. Which makes not telling family members a fairly big statement.

As an absolute minimum, inform of death and if asked as a follow up provide funeral info. That doesn’t have to include any wake if there’s a reason not to want that bit.

Anything else risks you being marked as the villain. Funerals are for the living, not the dead, and creating potential for long term resentment isn’t helpful.

Sorry for your recent loss. I can only assume their passing has left you grieving and wondering how best to navigate this difficult time.

You have to inform them. You cannot assume your relative would not want his estranged brother to know of their death.

Relatives can be estranged for very good reasons. It isn’t for you to judge or punish the surviving brother for an estrangement. This was between them, don’t put yourself into the mix.

Sorry for your loss. I hope the arrangements are not too tricky.

However one feels about a sibling, one would still want to know so do inform the deceased's brother. If he asks about funeral plans, be generous and share. This will make the executor's job easier too. To spare you a job, you could ask a family member closer to the brother to communicate?
As PPs have said, this also avoids you being the villain for not having told them: funerals do strange things to folk.
From your OP, I wonder whether the estrangement was more down to the SIL?

Hmm. I’m estranged from my only sibling and I emphatically would not want them informed.

No one gets invited to funerals. They get informed and then make a choice. It’s a rock and a hard place but I would find it hard to argue against at least notifying family of a death.

I’ve made my point that some of my relatives are not welcome so no they won’t be informed cos I’ve let folks know this up front.

so did your relative tell you don’t do it or not is the question.

Better write some instructions for your loved ones!

My dad passed away several years ago and we have never informed his sibling. It was my dad’s wish that they were not informed as they had done many unforgivable things.
They probably do know as the obituary was shared publicly. For all we know they may also have passed. You can choose your friends but not your family.

I think I'd just tell them of the death but no further information

DH is estranged and actively wouldn’t want his sibling at the funeral.

This thread has made me thing we d best leave some instructions for our DS.

Oh they know! The problem is, other more distant family members will tell them. But getting the news that way will absolve them of any dilemma about whether to attend.

I think it depends. Death notices/ funeral arrangements are normally public, so estranged brother could see them. Another relative/ friend may tell them. One of the aims of publishing the obit is to make sure the wider community is aware and can pay their respects.

Is brother the sort to make a fuss, take over, believe they have 'rights' and think they can for example enter property and take stuff? If they are I'd be keeping quiet and changing locks on property ( if possible/ doesn't affect others).

Are you putting an obituary in the paper? Maybe just let them know of the death.

I'm sorry for your family's loss.

I would inform them of the death. If they want to know about the funeral they’ll ask.