Has anyone stayed in an unhappy marriage for the children?

[Robsinsons]

I have realised (writing has been on the walls for years really) that DH and I are probably fundamentally incompatible and, as is often the case, having DC has blasted open the cracks that were forming.

Won’t go into huge detail but there’s no abuse (but real lack of empathy/emotional support from his side), substance abuse or infidelity (as far as I know!) just a pervading lack of effort on both sides. Classic weaponised incompetence resulting in me carrying huge mental load whilst also working FT. Too much to even outline in a post without boring people and it being too outing. We get on ‘ok’, it’s not like blazing rows and shouting in front of the DC, but it feels like we are not even friends, I have zero interest in him anymore after years of resentment so think I have pushed him away, and he’s very selfish.

I know I’ve read threads where people say it’s ‘weak’ to stay in an unhappy marriage, unfair on the kids etc. Has anyone accepted that staying is the lesser of two evils?

I don’t think the impact of losing family home, DC not seeing their mother every day (as often the default parent!), passing young DC back and forth, unknown risk of new partners, financial concerns, general instability can be underestimated?

If you did stay, in similar circumstances, how long did you stay for and why? Did you make peace with it?

All of the above. My parents did the same, it was much the same experience - however my father 'escaped' working abroad from when I was 9 up until he finally left when I'd just turned 21.

My mother deeply resented being the default parent and let it show. They showed zero affection to each other and none to us. Worst still, he actually tried to dump us all on the other side of the world when I was 11 but his plan failed literally at the last moment...even though my mother found out, she still stayed with him. She didn't want to have to give up being a SAHM and the money my father earned. Ended up losing it all anyway when he left...

Between the two of them they ruined my childhood, and that of my two brothers. My older brother has told his wife he has no happy memories of childhood.

You only get one life.

My parents stayed together for us and it was obvious and miserable.

My dad eventually had an affair though which exploded and brought it to a conclusion.

We knew they didn’t get on. It’s not a healthy way to be around the children IMO. It doesn’t show them a healthy relationship.

Also, Children are around for only a short time of your hopefully long marriage. My children are college age and I know we will soon have years together as a couple with the children being at a distance. What are the options there? Still stay together?

DH and I have definitely had issues, but ultimately love each other very much and I’m now really looking forward to our later years together.

Thank you, I know and this has resonated a lot recently. 😔

I'm think I’m going to suggest marriage counselling for us both because being unhappy shouldn’t be a default emotion should it.

Your DH's inaction is making a choice, listen to him.

You can draw a horse to water but you cannot make it drink.

You need two very willing people to save a marriage, you don't have that.

I think you are being forced into a decision as you've no options if you value yourself and your kids happiness and well being. And yet, you will be blamed by DH.

Get out OP, before it ruins you.

No. No one stays in an unhappy marriage for the children. But they may tell themselves that is what they are doing.

There are a lot of people in this thread claiming that staying together for the children is never really for the children, but these reasons pretty convincing to me.

It's a very good reason to stay but only if their mother doesn't end up a shell of a woman and the home is happy. A very hard thing to do in this type of situation.

My mum stayed for us. She hurled it at us for years that she only stayed for us. The responsibility of that on young shoulders was terrible. In any event, she didn't just stay for us, she stayed for her own reasons too. We had to deal with a shell/emotionless woman which affected us all dreadfully.

Yeah, someone who blames the children for putting them first is clearly not putting them first. I’m sorry you had to go through that.

My mother still trots out that line, 37 years after my father left. She also regularly tells me that I 'made' him have his exit affair and leave (he married the OW and is still with her) because I 'made him feel old'...my crime? I got married. He was 42.

Dreadful isn't it.

The damage it does to children.

I hope you don't take it to heart anymore, your mum clearly has never resolved anything in her head about her marriage.

There are some big financial reasons why it isn’t easy for me to leave (I work full time) and it might be a complete no go.
I am desperate to extract myself from my 25 year relationship/marriage which is effectively over. But in part I have stayed for the kids so far:

DH is my family, I’ve been with him forever and there is more to our relationship than just the bad bits; me, him and the kids are a unit regardless, we don’t fight and home is fairly peaceful, changing that may deeply impact my DC.

I have no family support, leaving with two children and working full time will be hard. I’m ready now but when they were little it would be tough.

My DD said in front of my DS how awful it would be to have separated parents like their cousin - this stuck in my mind as I don’t want them to have the experience I did of having to do a 50/50 split between houses - I absolutely hated this. Now they are older they can have a voice in what they are happy with.

Until recently, I would never have left them for extended time with their dad and his moods, it isn’t fair for them to manage his mental health. Now they are older, are able to very clearly tell him things and to not take any shit for want of a better expression. DH responds well to this and he is much more stable, reliable and reasonable with them as they get older or as he has got better - albeit this isn’t guaranteed.

DC will potentially be exposed to an explosive reaction by their dad if I actually leave. He can be frightening or very emotional and this will be horrible for them. He doesn’t hide this from them.

This is small but very big to DC, I’ve spoken to them about us moving out (for reasons I won’t go into I want to leave) We can’t take our dog, he will need to stay with DH and they will miss him.

I was planning to stay until the kids grew up but I didn’t. I thought I could bear it until I was maybe 50 but I couldn’t. I instigated a divorce when I was 35. It was incredibly hard. Family were not supportive, in fact my parents and my in-laws made it considerably harder because all they could see was what I had allowed them to see. My reasons were too personal to share with them. So they all blamed me.
It was very difficult but I am so glad I did it way back then. I’m now in my 50’s and can’t imagine what would be left of me if I’d hung on any longer.

Thank you. Yes the damage can be immense, and sometimes doesn't show up for years.

What also really pisses me off is that my mother still expects us to be 'grateful' for her 'sacrifice'. And she can't understand why she has no grandchildren...the cognitive dissonance is very very strong.

The so called sacrifice is a total cop out.

My own mum is the same, she's never looked at her own self or her own behaviour, it's so disheartening. Over the years I've backed off from her emotionally or I'd have gone mad!

tea

Were you very young and or in a bad place yourself when you and he met?.

He is not above abusing his kids either and they are walking on eggshells too. In addition you are further being bogged down in your sunk costs and that is keeping you there.

I hope you can find it within yourself to fully extricate yourself before more harm to you and they is done. You certainly do not want them to partner up with someone like their dad.

Why can’t he move out; it would be a lot less disruptive to all concerned . Is he doing the usual abusive man behaviour of refusing to leave.

Have you ever sought legal advice on this matter?. Not all splits end up with 50:50 either though often cited and given his nature I would assume he would not readily see his children much going forward because they will interfere with his work and leisure times.

Have you considered that his mood swings are abusive in nature so nothing whatsoever to do with his mental health. The only one responsible for his moods is he and you are not some rehab centre for a badly raised man.

I would also put money on it that he does not treat his work colleagues like he does to you people as his family, no he’s all sweet and light with them.

There is really no good reason for you and he to stay together. You certainly can’t stay with him because of the pet dog and besides which why should you and the dc have to move out?.

Your husband might have Asperger's. Look into it.

I wouldn't stay in a marriage where I was unhappy AND my husband refused to work on it. The first part can change, but the second part makes that impossible

I did this - kept going just because of the kids. Was ok but then she decided she wanted to leave.

Leaving showed me how rubbish it was, the lack of love, the narcissistic abuse etc... BUT I would probably do it again as my kids mean the world to me and missing out on proper family holidays and them in the house only 50% of the time is a real killer.

As a person I am happier by far, am more myself but I would have rather carried on till 18 then split

Thank you @moderate and also @Sitem who said something similar.

I have literally done the maths and it would screw us all over financially and disrupt the kids so much.

And they are happy. They laugh together, have friends, do activities, achieve at school, sleep well, joke and take the piss with us in a way that shows they are comfortable. I won't ruin that.

However others have also said about their parents throwing it back at them, that is just wrong. This is my decision, I own it and I do not resent them. I may leave when they are older say late teens, but till then I am good with the decision I made.