Has anyone stayed in an unhappy marriage for the children?

[Robsinsons]

I have realised (writing has been on the walls for years really) that DH and I are probably fundamentally incompatible and, as is often the case, having DC has blasted open the cracks that were forming.

Won’t go into huge detail but there’s no abuse (but real lack of empathy/emotional support from his side), substance abuse or infidelity (as far as I know!) just a pervading lack of effort on both sides. Classic weaponised incompetence resulting in me carrying huge mental load whilst also working FT. Too much to even outline in a post without boring people and it being too outing. We get on ‘ok’, it’s not like blazing rows and shouting in front of the DC, but it feels like we are not even friends, I have zero interest in him anymore after years of resentment so think I have pushed him away, and he’s very selfish.

I know I’ve read threads where people say it’s ‘weak’ to stay in an unhappy marriage, unfair on the kids etc. Has anyone accepted that staying is the lesser of two evils?

I don’t think the impact of losing family home, DC not seeing their mother every day (as often the default parent!), passing young DC back and forth, unknown risk of new partners, financial concerns, general instability can be underestimated?

If you did stay, in similar circumstances, how long did you stay for and why? Did you make peace with it?

Been there myself, took the courage to divorce, lost a few relationships along the way but never looked back.

Theres nothing more sad than being alone in a relationship. ex

Yes I am in a marriage that is more of a partnership now , we are family, I stay for the kids and that fact (We are a family) there is love there but no passion and we are rarely intimate anymore. We just... Stick together as it feels the right thing to do, for us. I would never look for a man again so why bother seperating the family. We both agree. My dh is neurodiverse though. I am not. That has been the main issue. He is a nice man but... yeah, hard work for me. If there was anger and abuse it would be different, of course.

oh also to add, I come from a broken home, my mother has married 4 times.. I do not want any of that for my kids. It has greatly affected me in horrible ways.

I think there is staying and being resentful and unhappy and it showing and then there is staying and making the best of it. I stay for a whole myriad of complicated reasons. In a perfect world I wouldn’t.

We work as a team and the DC are at the centre of everything we do. We both also carve out time away and have our own interests.

In my line of work I’ve seen too many kids go off the rails following their parents separation. Too many blended families that didn’t work out. Too many adults who split and were still unhappy. For me the risk isn’t worth it.

People should not be afraid to take responsibility for their own happiness and to move on with their
life.

Divorce is not failure, living in daily unhappiness is. Kids are not stupid and they like know far more about the parlous state of your marriage than either if you care to realise. It’s when divorce becomes adversarial that the kids are most affected, it’s not the divorce process itself. And not all parents go onto create blended families. Families come in all shapes these days and there is no stigma. I have lost count of the number of times I have read posts from adults stating they wished their parents had separated when they were younger instead of staying for their supposed sake. It does the dc no favours at all and teaches them their parents relationship was based on a lie. It also teaches them that happiness is not their birthright.

One day your dc will leave home so what for you and he then?. These children are not glue nor should be used as such to bind you and he together.

I don’t think the impact of losing family home, DC not seeing their mother every day (as often the default parent!), passing young DC back and forth, unknown risk of new partners, financial concerns, general instability can be underestimated?

I think you're putting the burden of staying for your reasons onto your children.

They will know you're unhappy and you will model that staying in an unhappy relationship is what you do. That's toxic. Shared custody and new partners and homes have positive possibilities as well as negatives, especially if your home is unhappy and miserable and they feel it's like that because of them. SEt safe boundaries for yourself with new partners. You can make your home a positive place.

Yeah, I saw the shitty partners but it was my mom, who was the custodial parent, engaged in parental alienation and moved partners in too fast and had no boundaries.

My husband died but my kids felt safe and secure in my home as a single parent because I had examples of what not to do.

This sounds like a very unhappy and dark home to grow up in. Your children aren’t going to look back happily on their childhood with their parents relationship in this condition.

I do think it is selfish. Children aren’t stupid and they can tell when adults can’t stand each other - it seeps into the emotional temperature of the house. They become hyper aware and sensitive. There doesn’t have to be overt abuse for this to happen. It always sets an awful example for their understanding of relationships.

It's interesting he thinks counselling will end the marriage, whilst also not doing what's needed to fix it.
Do you thinking he's just hoping you lack the impetus to leave, so he can just finesse you with words and you'll stay; whereas an unrelated third party may just open your eyes to his laziness and the possibility your life could be better without him?

Love this last section
from my experience I'm glad I didn't stay for the kids they are doing fine , happy kids , school work not affected , dad lives with girlfriend he's happier too . I'm very happy my new partner is amazing . I have never looked back for breaking up the family home. It was starting to break its self anyway.

Are you the op

ignore me I was being dense and thought another thread

Dc calls my home the happy home and dad's the chaos home. He's there 30 percent of the time. If we were still together it'd be one big unhappy home.

I don’t have an answer OP but I know afew people in this situation who stay for the kids. Ultimately there may come a time when you feel ready to leave. Until then try and live the best life you can in the circumstances.

Is the woman enduring, taking on the burden, and the man being useless, really the model of relationships you want to give your kids?

Is it how you'd like to see them live their adult lives?

Yes i did. Don't do it, its the worst thing i ever did. The children wont thank you and your mental health will be destroyed. Make a clean break asap, for yours and the children's sake

My mum went even longer. My sister left home when my mum was 43. By the end of her life she was so depressed and miserable even though he died 15 years earlier! Dreadful. Saying that, she hated him. The Op doesn’t hate hers but it is lacking connection.

I’m not staying for the kids, who have all grown up now, but because financially we’re better off together. Which is a really rubbish reason to stay I know.
I’d love to talk to him but like PP said, he gets defensive.

I’m so incredibly sad that it’s like this but I can’t see a way out, or how to resolve it

Hi OP, I get it and am the same.

People on here always always say "just leave". Like it's that simple.

Every situation is different.

In my case, DH is probably ND. He has been out of work for a bit and hasn't found anything. If I left, I am realistically in one of two scenarios -

1 he moves out, which would mean moving back in with his parents who live 3.5h away because there is no way he could support himself financially. The kids are close to him and would be devastated. And it would be very hard for me to do my job which is what pays the mortgage.

2 I leave, in which case as we live in an expensive area of the country, I could not afford a place for myself and to pay for the family home/ mortgage/ appropriate child support. We would therefore need to sell and move somewhere cheaper, meaning the kids lose their nice home, their friends, their school where they are doing well. We moved 18 mos ago, they found it hard, I don't want to do that again. Also given prices round here, I would probably end up in a shared house or bedsit which frankly I just refuse to do after working my arse off in a demanding job for years.

I judge neither of those situations is a good outcome for my family. So I am staying and making it work as best I can. It is not a good situation but whilst we don't love each other, we don't hate each other either.

This is the best decision I can make for my family given our circumstances, and that is okay.

My mother did and said it was for us kids. It wasn’t it was the money.

she hated him and then told us what she did when he died. My Aunt then told her that was bullshit she stayed for his money and she then said yes it was.

it was shit all round.

My dad Died at 62. I think his miserable marriage contributed to that. Alcoholics.

I

In your situation I think I’d have a discreet affair and stay.

Yes, the children won’t appreciate it. They will be affected either way. If they are very young is better to split rather than to wait.

So he cant be bothered tl try anything then. Just leave. This is a ghastly state of affairs. A slow death by marriage.