What is single parenting like after leaving an unhelpful partner?

[Magicgirl123]

Dear all single mums,

What's it like being a single mum as oppose to living with a partner? I'm thinking of leaving my partner as he chooses to sleep in till 2pm everyday and I feel like it's another child I'm looking after. However he does help with putting our 2 year old son to bed. What's it like being a single parent, who was previously in a relationship?

A bloody relief.

My ex was a workaholic who lived away from home for work during the week and mostly slept/ relaxed when he was home. But he Had Opinions on parenting that bore no relation to the reality of dealing with small kids. So loads of arguments with him.not liking the way I did thing. Plus loads of resentment that I didn't give him the time and attention he wanted.

Being a single parent was not easy, but at least I could get on with stuff without having to make allowance for the useless third child tantruming in the corner of my vision.

Way easier!! Best decision I ever made

So much better. The logistics just work better without someone saying they'll help and then letting you down. It's more peaceful in my home.

I agree with @Rhaidimiddim, it was a total relief. Mine also worked away and when he did come home, it was like I was being inspected, he would confuse the kids by shouting at them for not knowing his rules and I felt like I was walking on egg shells. It isn’t easy being a single parent, but I realised that I had been one the whole time. The freedom of doing things my way balanced out the huge responsibility of going alone. We all deserve to feel happy safe and relaxed at home. No one needs an adult toddler!

Soon realised I couldn’t rely on him.

Much easier!

Easier - you know where you are and have no expectation of help.

Does he work? I also say it's easier on your own

Single mums isn’t a one fit all box despite the stereotypes forced by media and films.

I prefer it overall, but you still take the hit sometimes. I’m the one who ends up doing all the admin, sorting school holiday arrangements, forms, Christmas plans, because someone has to actually initiate things and ask the questions, and it’s not going to be him.

I think you have to accept that unless they completely disappear from your child’s life, they’ll always be part of it. And if they were a bit useless before, you’ll probably end up doing most of the legwork anyway.

That said, there are upsides
You don’t have someone else creating extra mess in your home, and you’re not stuck watching them nap or scroll on their phone while you’re juggling everything and down on the floor with the kids, doing it all yourself just wanting some help.

Well - it depends on a lot. If he does not bring in any income, just hangs around - then your life does not change much if he is gone.
But in most situations - if you separate, you'll do as much (and possibly) more than what you are already doing. You have to find another place to live as people normally can't afford the place they live as a couple. You have less disposable income. And you have to share your child - as the father is still the father, and often they become more involved after break-up.

So - annoyed as you are at him - do think about practicalities and how your life will be set up.

He works but is a self-employed web designer

It was hard, yet so nice not to have this expectations that things would turn out better, no longer waiting for someone to wake up and be present, and choose us was enormous. I was able to budget my own money, and how we spent our time together, me and the little one. It was hard as I still loved him, but was so good not to bicker anymore on his lack of interest or input.

Calmer, but tougher. Financially and logistically a lot harder overall. Day to day it removed one factor from decision making, also removed conflict potential, which is important. But it does mean absolutely everything is done by you. Which is quite different from everything feeling like it's done by you.

Depends on the guy, you might end up without your kids for 50% of the time and no say in if/how he cares for them. Or he may not help at all which is crap for your kids and for you. There’s also the financial side of things, you need to work it all out and assume he won’t pay maintenance as CMS are useless with self employed people.

Do you want to be in a relationship with him or not?

Better.

I was already doing everything so it was easier when there was only me to do it without resenting the useless ex. He pretty much waltzed off without a backward glance so I think that saved me (and the children) part of the headache.

Fantastic! So much better.

And he stepped up after the breakup to do things he shoulda done in the relationship like actually spending time with the kids and picking them up from school because as a single dad he had to

and he couldn't use the narrative of 'she doesn't let me see my kids' because I made sure to tell his friends and family repeatedly the kids are always available haha

And I can make day to day decisions without a grumpy adult child who needs coaxing for everything

And the list goes on, I love it!

A greatvway to put it - that you were actually a single parent all al9ng.

So much easier to be one without a clueless supervisor criticizing your performance while you're cooking his dinner and ironing his shirts.

I found it far less stressful to be a single parent instead of parenting a man child who did virtually nothing (but liked to perform the great dad role when his family visited).
However, and this is the huge caveat, I could always afford a good standard of living on my own salary. We split childcare 50/50 and whilst he was pretty clueless at the start he got a lot better and we’re good friends now.
I know many divorced dads aren’t this good and most women are far worse off financially.
But the stress disappeared almost instantly when I got regular breaks and had a social life back. The kids adapted to the routine and are far happier with two happy parents.
Look at your own situation and write down the pros and cons as a starting point.

Easier when the kids were younger now a bit trickier as they are teenagers but best decision I made