Talk to me about monogamy, personally, I don't think sex and love are one in the same

[eatfruitmore]

I am in a hugely committed long term and loving marriage and we have a wonderful sex life. We have had ups and downs and weathered the storm and come through smiling.

And I find other men attractive and fantasise about having sex with them. I never wish to have a secretive affair. I never wish to have another serious relationship. I am just sometimes hugely physically attracted to other men and I cant help feeling that that isn't wrong. I have never acted on it. I can't help feeling that we humans were never meant to be monogamous.

I am stepping back from this thread now and I will read from a distance because I know it won't be pretty.

I'm not sure. Are we meant to be monogomous (sp)? IME if I love someone I would not stray or even think about it but then again I'm single so have loads of variety (its the spice of life).

Don't beat yourself up about your feelings you don't act upon them so no harm unless you feel the draw then it is up to you.

I don't think you can ever just have sex though. There is always some kind of emotional relationship and that affects your relationship with your partner.

I am with OP
would never need or want to stray honestly
but... Understand OP totally

I don't think sex and love are one and the same, and definately think you can have succesful non-monogamous relationships. Sex doesn't always involve some sort of emotional attachment for everyone.

People are different, and I don't think monogamy should be peddaled as the only 'right' or 'normal' or proper way to be.

It's never wrong to feel attracted to other people even if you're in a serious monogamous relationship. It would only be wrong to act on those feelings while being decietful or secretive about it to your partner.

Most of my earlier longterm relationships went sour because I came fom a pretty dysfunctional background. I'm 40 now and have just met someone really nice. I have been through the whole spectrum of it tbh. Longterm relationships that were supposed to be loving but from it, one night stands, flings and even to my shame an affair or twoalong the way.

I had a hrd time defining what was loving and what was sexual. I honestly don't think the two are mutually exclusive. 'mof the oppinion the honeymoon never lasts but a true loving relationship with yourself is always possible.

A tad cliched perhaps but very true for me.
As and when I hav been single, I've exerted the right to play the field, have my flings but I can honestly say that sex within an itimate relationship for me has been far more fulfilling thansome of the many knee trembler experiences I've had to date.

I agree re the idea that we are probably not like swans, hence made to last forever but I also think there are a lot of people today who are to ready to throw in the towel when the going gets tough. I'm certainly not saying people should stay together if they have definatly reached a dead end but I do feel that moving on much like buying a new car has sadly become a reality for a lot.

Hell, what do I know?

I disagree beansmum. People are perfectly capable of having emotional relationships wiht numerous people without it affecting their feelings or emotions with their partner. We do it ever day, have emotionasl relationships with our children, family, close friends etc. the only reason it gets in the way is more to do with our societal norms, how we 'view' partners in our society as having to be exclusive to each other and completely support each other to the exclusion of everyone else. Just bacause that's how our society does it doesn't mean it's the only way it could possibly work.

Relationships usually break down because of the breach of trust, rather than the act of sex or getting emotionally close to someone else itself.

Well put mama, that was straight up. I've personally had the most successful sex with someone that I was in love with at the time. (But it's not difficult to move on) Agree that one night stands are not all that but they have served a purpose.

To the OP, yes you may fantasise about having sex with an attractive man that you meet, but if you were single and could would you really do it? I think you should keep it as a fantasy because IMO that is where it is better than the reality.

fantasy is fine, harrison ford was lovely

I also think the inability to have and define boundaries can cause a lot of conflict. I remember reading part of M Scott Pecks "The road less travelled" where he talks about the illusion of romantic love, how if we look at the general media and movies of how men and women are intertwined. My other half, my better half?

His oppionion was for a true love, an interdependent love to exist that couples run their lives parralell as opposed to enmeshed but I fear I've gone slightly off the subject now.

I know exactly how you feel OP. Sure, we fantasise about other men, but as abouteve points out, I know that the reality would be far more messy and complicated than the fantasy.

I've often wondered as well about the validity of monogamy, but I love my dh and I hope that I never love anyone else (nor he for that matter). Having said that, the threesome conversation has come up recently and I'm not entirely backing away. Any other posters with actual experience?

bcsnowp, even if we had the dynamics of your own personal relationship with your dp are entirely different to what they would be to say mine for example, so in effect, regardless of what others would tell you would in no way mirror your own experience.

Of course we all think others aer attractive, but I've never fantasised about having sex with another man. In fact the more dh and I are intimate the better it is, ten years in.
The thought of being with someone else or Dh being with someone else is something I could not live with and still be with DH, no matter what.

PS. It does help that DH is really good looking and has a fabulous body, and very considerate in bed.

The existence of the swinging (sex with multiple people, no relationship beyond friendship outside established couples) and polyamory (multiple loving relationships, often sexual) communities proves you're a long way from alone.

Figuring out what makes a good fantasy as opposed to reality for you is the tricky bit, not to mention how your partner might react.

gorgeous guy two doors up...children play with my youngest. Phooaarrrr...but nothing's ever going to happen except in my head ! i just enjoy the mental frisson. no harm done surely ?

Theres nothing wrong with fantasy - nothing at all. Wrong would be actually sleeping with someone else, rather than wondering what it would be like. I bet ive made a cracking Beyonce to my hubby on a number of occaisons that im unaware of
Oh and FWIW, my opinion is that sex is an animal instinct, BUT it is special when you have an emotional attachment to someone.

If you choose your partners purely for looks then maybe you won't become attached to them, btu at the risk of generalising, women, even when trying to have casual sex, I think choose partners they might be able to have a relationship with. Men think ONLY of a half hour tumble in bed. So they can do it much better I think.

You say nothing of whether or not you would be hurt if your husband felt the same.

If he feels the same, maybe you could have an agreement, one 'cheat' each every few months??

BUT............. I think it would chip away at your marriage.

Sex and love are not the same - but IMO if I am in love sex is part of that and that alone - so I don't have sex anywhere else.
Fantasy is all fine, but not acting on it. It's about respect, trust and creating a bond between two people which is exclusive. That said, if you are both up for an open relatioship and it works, fine!

If you do it, choose somebody you think is a harmless half eejit. A good looking village idiot.

I don't think we are 'meant' to be anything. Monomgamy suits some people and doesn't suit others. But I think it's stupid to just assume that it's going to work for you just because it's the norm in our society.

I can't see anything wrong with fantasising about other men and when you have been together for years I think everyone does it. After the in love stage at the beginning wears off you make a logical decision to stay with someone because they have got more good things than bad about them. You make a commitment so that you can both feel secure that you have someone there for you and a life companion. The excitement of the first stage is not going to last forever with anyone so once you have had enough excitement with different people it is nice to settle down.

If the sex gets boring and fantasising about other people helps your sex life and helps you stay together then I reckon that is ok. If you choose to have extra marital sex you put your relationship in danger, especially women I think, because it is hard for them to have sex and not feel an attachment, and then they start wanting the other man and their original relationship goes wrong. It is easier for men to have meaningless sex. I suppose this can't be true for everyone if there are successful non monogamous couples around, but I just can't imagine there not being jealousy problems or getting too attached to other people.

I suppose you have to think about how important the feeling of stability from your relationship is and all the things you have got in your relationship and whether you want to risk that for a bit of excitement by cheating, and how you would feel about your man being hurt if he found out.

(lots of this is my therapist's words and it helps me get it in my head by writing it)