39 and zero libido

[Teaandbiscuits16]

I’m a 39 year old mum of 2, married for 10 years and my libido is gone. Literally nothing. Not bothered about sex in any way with anyone. Obviously this is causing a big issue with DH. Generally he’s been quite understanding but recently he’s voiced it as a problem for him, even joking about an open relationship (I’m sure part of him doesn’t think this is a joke).
I’d say my sex drive disappeared after the birth of our youngest 4 years ago. I’m on the combined contraceptive pill due to my periods after kids being horrific and the only suggestion from multiple GP’s was to go on hormonal contraceptives.
I’m also on a long waiting list to speak with a menopause specialist as I’m certain I’m in peri, especially as there’s family history of early menopause (mum and gran). A GP didn’t feel comfortable prescribing HRT due to my age and wants me to see a specialist.

I can see the hurt this is causing DH but I can’t force myself to want sex, even though I wish I could for him. He’s talked about us doing therapy too.

Does anyone have any suggestions of supplements that have worked?

Do you happen to know what your ferritin level is?
Only asking as I had horrendous periods and zero libido, for years!
I was on prescription iron for years but my levels wouldn’t rise above around 25.

Seemingly, ferritin needs to be above 50 for a healthy libido in women, and many women feel better up towards the 100 level. Sadly, ferritin is often marked ‘normal’ as low as 15/20.

I can confirm since mine increased (by stopping prescription iron and by taking iron bisglycinate which has better bioavailability, and also taking beef liver capsules for a couple of months for an extra boost) my sex drive has also increased. Worth looking in to.

Thyroid issues also cause heavy periods and low sex drive, women can limp along slightly in a slightly hypothyroid state for years before tipping over the edge into abnormal and being diagnosed.

of course, it could just be the stresses of life with a young child, a job, a house to run and a sulky husband who makes you feel pressured with ‘oh so funny’ comments about looking elsewhere, that leave you disinterested!

Expensive I know, but can you pay for a private blood test? I paid for one £79 it checked everything (different reasons than you for bloods tho)

Was really useful and quick, included a follow up consultation and then I went in armed to my GP to get sorted. They couldnt fob me off.

Secondly, is your mental and physical load high? Is hubby helping enough?
My DP is very helpful, very involved with kids, does all the cooking and food shopping, helps on school runs and with clubs. Because I feel seen, and supported and part of a team I still have a desire and want him. We DTD once a day, every day, sometimes twice.

He works two jobs, I work, two children (6 and 12) and im 41. He arranges date nights (in house or out of house) is affectionate and surprises me with gifts (not expensive- more like "i saw your favourite chocolate and thought of you"

I have found i previously lost my sex drive in other relationships when my mental load was high, I didnt feel appreciated and basically felt like a skivvy!

@ItsEitherAMasterpieceOrADisasterpiece Interesting you say that because my ferritin has been low for years. I’ve had pretty much annual blood tests for the last 4 years because it gets to the point where I feel so exhausted, rundown, low mood and thinning hair that something must be wrong. Until recently my ferritin had never been higher than 22 but all GPs said that was within the normal range (which it turns out is bloody massive!). Late last year it dropped to 19 and I was given iron supplements and checked again 3 months later when it had gone to 50. I’ve kept up the iron supplements, albeit not as regimented with them as I was which is silly.

@OneShyQuail That’s a good idea. I should look into it. I’m willing to pay a similar amount if it gives me some answers.
My mental load is definitely high. I mean, I’m such an over thinker as it is but with working a busy job and both kids at school (age 4 and 6) there seems to be constant admin and stuff to remember anyway. Our dog is also unwell with an ongoing health condition that requires a lot of monitoring and that falls to me. DH is great though; does his fair share of cooking and parenting.
Date nights are non-existent. I could count on one hand the number of times we’ve been out since becoming parents. It’s hard to know if it’s hormones or deficiencies vs mismatched expectations on both sides or perhaps it’s both.
He absolutely shouldn’t have to forgo sex because I don’t want to but equally forcing myself into it feels horrible. I don’t know what to do.

Have you tried reading a naughty / erotic novel?
I find it works (about the only thing that does)
x

Ah I feel you, thst mental load with schools will carry on for some time unfortunately!

I think all parents are tired, just differing degrees of tired! Im a massive overthinker too its bloody exhausting.

I find if im stressed or hormonal then sex perks me right back up 🤣 so yes sometimes I am tired when I go to bed but when were hugging etc im always in the mood 🙈 it helps my two are older, so they get up and get ready for school themselves and go put the tv on/get breakfast and dont come in to us at all so thats where our extra time comes from.

You are right its a definite balance for sure....have you sat snd had a serious but loving conversation with him? 🤗