Has long-term friend developed feelings, or am I overthinking this?

[Gambino1726]

This is platonic friendship query which is confused about.

My best friend (m & black) and I (f & white latino) have been close friends for 15 + years. We’re both single parents and lately I’ve been noticing my friend obsessively talking about wanting a girlfriend to the point it’s now got boring, but I nod and listen to his yearns.

About two months ago, he asked me if I’d ever fancied a black guy, and I was honest and said no I hadn’t; that my type is Latino/white dark hair. Always has been!

Fast forward to our next catchup and we’re out with our kids at a mutual friend’s party having dinner, and he “jokingly” says I’m a racist because “I don’t like black guys”, and sounds pretty bitter. I defend myself saying having a “type” doesn’t make me a racist, and we keep it humorous and breezy.

While on the dance floor at this party (with our kids) he then tells two separate random people that he and I are married and I’m like WTF? I’m quite uncomfortable that he’s misleading these people.

The next day, I confront him about this ask what’s going on with him; has he been dwelling on “my type” and why he’s confusing people about our relationship and he says it was all meant as a joke, I’ve misinterpreted and should have known it was a joke, and apologised for it.

I’m now feeling icky about the whole thing. A - that he called me racist because I “don’t fancy black guys”, and B - he weirdly tells random people we were married.

Do you think he’s like secretly in love with me or something or am I being crazy and should just move on. For clarity, no we’ve never had a relationship beyond platonic, not kissed. Have been friends while the others have been in relationships etc.

This is not how someone behaves when they've fallen in love with you.

I don't think he's in love with you. Ask him seriously what you have done to offend/upset him and listen carefully to what he says. Could it be that he's heard you say something like'I have never in my life fancied anyone who looks like you'?
Obviously I don't know because I wasn't there, but it is possible.

Ok. Thanks for this. What do you think it means? I just move past this yeah?

He could have developed feelings but on the other hand he could be taking the “racist” aspect personally.
I said similar once and the fallout was horrible. But people genuinely do have types imho.

Maybe he's one of those men who think that, if they're your friend for long enough, at some point he'll have earned the right to be your boyfriend?

Maybe, as a long standing friend, he thinks you're his best/easiest option?

Maybe he fancies you but is emotionally illiterate?

Who knows? But I can't think of a positive explanation, tbh.

When you reflect back on the entire friendship, has there been anything else that gave you pause for thought but dismissed at the time?

I think he has taken it personally re; you not fancying a black guy. Perhaps he has developed feelings for you but you’ve set him straight on your type and your relationship status so that’s all you can do. Will be interesting to see if the friendship relationship carries on as before. Maybe limit contact for a bit?

One time he confided in me that he had developed feelings for someone very close to him and he was sure “she is the one”. Initially he wouldn’t say who, I jokingly said “it better not be me haha!” but he wouldn’t say, then when I pressed him more he said it was a (name) another girl he is close to.

when I encouraged him to tell her he said he would. Then a few weeks later I asked for an update and he said he’d changed his mind and he wouldn’t tell her anymore.

I just wondered at the authenticity of this.

he’s a wonderful guy and on paper it would be easy if we were together but o have never seen him this way, and I know if we were a couple it would never last. We are fundamentally very different. I sometimes thinks he sees the world with rose tinted glasses

But if we’ve been platonic for 15 years, why would he take it personally. If someone platonic said I wasn’t their type, I couldn’t give a toss! But perhaps men are more ego driven. I don’t know

What happened in your situation?

So, what are you looking for from the thread?

General opinions? A vent? Satisfying a curiosity?

I had a male friend I could have said similar about. We were inseparable best friends but I knew we wouldn't have worked as a couple because we were too diffident in all the ways that would have mattered to me in a relationship. But he started down the line of making comments about how perfect we'd be together etc.

Ultimately, I ended the friendship because his behaviour towards me became something I couldn't tolerate in a friend. He started to make similarly unkind, acerbic comments - nothing horrendous, just little digs and spitefulness. I gave him 4 months (6 weeks of which I had no contact with him) to get over himself but he didn't.

I sometimes think it was a shame that I'd lost a realy good friend except that, by that point, he was no longer a really good friend so I'd actually lost nothing.

I said “my type is Latin/dark hair like me”. I don’t see why I need to think that my type would offend a platonic friend. He likes slim big bosom/anything he can get his hands on, and I am not slim, big bosom. I Couldn’t care less others people’s type.

It may be because he is black and subject to unconscious racism all the time.

Whether this friend has developed feelings for me because he’s offended I’m attracted to Latino guys, and he’s going around telling people we’re married.

I will ask him again when I see him, but for now I am keeping a low profile while I think things through (& be sure I’m not overthinking this)

Well, no one here is going to be able to tell you his thoughts or feelings.

It's absolutely fine to not he attracted to him as a romantic interest for any reason (whether he likes it or not).

I think keeping a low profile is a good idea but I would say that, whatever his reasons for saying these things, you don't have to accept or tolerate it.