I have a very complicated relationship with myself.

[FromTheOldITravelToTheNew]

I don’t even know where to start with this.

I grew up in an abusive household. Not abusive enough for external agencies to get involved - and I came from a respectable family - but enough for others to notice that something wasn't right and that I wasn't 'right'. And enough for it to have had a lifelong impact. There was some physical abuse, but it was mostly emotional.

One of the impacts is that I can't celebrate birthday. My small remaining family knows whej it is and a few close friends but I don't mark it or celebrate it.

Someone put a post on fb wishing me happy birthday very recently and, for some reason this year, a few people kindly chided me because they didn't know. I usually just brush it off with, "Oh, I don't really bother with it," but one new friend caught me off guard and I just answered, "Oh, I have a very complicated relationship with myself."

Hearing the words made me feel very emotional.

And I think I realy had only realised for the first time that that is the truth.

I can talk about the specifics of the abuse quite objectively and dispassionately. I don't share generally but, when I do, the words are easy to say and I can even deliver some of them with 'mock' outraged humour - it's how my sibling and I have dealt with it.

But it destroyed my relationship with myself before it had even begun, how I see myself and how I perceive myself through the eyes of others, my worth and value in the world.

I remembered a quote I read years ago that read, When you keep criticising your kids, they don't stop loving you. They stop loving themselves.

Until I told a friend that I had a very complicated relationship with myself, I hadn't realised just how deeply and profoundly this was true.

I don't want more therapy. I'm in my 50s now and I've had therapy on and off since I was 16. I know it works for some people but I've never found it to be that effective. The version of me I live with is the only version of me I have ever known. And I suppose there is an extent to which I am comfortable with myself now. I heard someone say once that their parents had both experienced trauma and their teeth had fit each other's wounds. I suppose that's how I feel about relationship with myself.

Ive forged a life that appears to be socially 'acceptable'. I'm educated, i have a career of sorts, and I have (adult) children. But I hugely struggle with relationships with other people. I just feel trapped in a world that I don't belong in/to; that has no place for me. And I'm biding my time in it until the end. Its probably not the life I would have lived if I hadn't spent so long papering over my own cracks.

Something else has happened quite recently that has awoken a lot of 'sleeping dogs', shall we say. It's a good thing but it's also taken me back to a time in my life when the abuse was till very active. On the surface, I'm calm and even a little emotionless but inside I'm screaming.

I'm sure others feel the same and I just need to feel some connection with those people today. If you're around.

Had you tried EMDR? Healing past trauma with eye movement! No hard work / analysis / pain. Really effective.

Yes, i can feel a lot of what you describe...

Your post really touched me OP. I haven’t got any practical advice to give but I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry your mother was so nasty to you as a child and there is just no excuse for it and it’s not your fault. I think you should be much more angry at her and less forgiving! Take care, I wish you well.

The thing is, when you grow up in an abusive or neglectful environment, that does shape how you see the world, and how you see yourself. In my case, I had an abusive family and I ended up in the care system. The term ‘looked after child’ is not a neutral one. It’s associated with various stereotypes, none are which are good. Perhaps the most damaging of all is the low expectations everyone around you has for you. This does become internalised, because your reality doesn’t exist outside of your daily lived experiences. So telling yourself nice thoughts and being thankful doesn’t achieve very much at all.

I left school with no qualifications, I studied part time as an adult and I now have a masters degree and a career in academia. But I would be lying if I tried to claim my childhood doesn’t still impact me. Not because I actively sit around thinking about unpleasant times, but because childhood is where you develop your sense of identity, and where you learn how the world treats you. Triggers are associated with many ‘normal’ events, including birthdays and christmases. In my case, they are a reminder of neglect and exclusion both from family and societal norms.

I’m not going to speak for the OP or anyone else, but your comment really misses the nuance that is vital in understanding these types of situations. And whilst I’m sure you didn’t mean to be ignorant, these type of comments inevitably are.

You should be immensely proud of yourself too xx