How do I move on when my husband does not want another child?

[JuniperPeak]

I have been facing a very difficult relationship situation for the past (almost) 4 years now. On the day that we brought our second born home, my husband immediately told me he didn't want to have any more kids. At the time, I agreed with him. I had just experienced an extremely traumatic birth, I was still bleeding and hurt, and I was so angry at the whole experience. I wish I would have never agreed to him. If that discussion could have waited another few months, I would have responded differently. By the time 3 months had passed, I knew I wanted to have a third child, but it was too late. As a result, the past several years have been so hard for me as I've tried to accept this. One major thing is that I haven't been able to have sex with my husband because I feel like I can't separate that out from trying to conceive a child. I stopped having sex for years. It wasn't to get back at him, but I felt like I couldn't handle the disappointment of it. I very recently became intimate with him again.The first time we engaged in this, he did not pull out, and it gave me some stupid glimmer of hope that maybe he changed his mind. However, we engaged in this act again yesterday and he pulled out suddenly and without warning, then he walked away to use the bathroom. It made me feel so ashamed and used. I didn't even want to be held afterward and I didn't want to look at him. I feel like I'm not actually ready to be intimate with him again. I know I need to get over this, but I'm heart broken. I'm surrounded by other people who have 3 kids and sometimes it feels so unfair. I would love to have another baby to take care of as I love taking care of the two that I have. I'm jealous, depressed, and extremely resentful over this. How do you even try to move on? Will I ever be able to move on? Should I stop having sex with him just to preserve my own mental health? I would appreciate any kind thoughts or advice. Thank you.

When I knew that I would have to have a VS with DS2 I asked if I could be sterilised at the same time. This was refused as the Dr said that the protocol was to wait a year post partum before making decisions about sterilisation. I was furious as I knew I didn't want a third. But I actually think in hindsight it's a good policy.

As it happens, after a year I was still adamant about not wanting to hand another child, and DH agreed, so he had a vasectomy.

I think you're in a difficult position. Prior to starting your family. Did you and your DH agree on what your ideal family size was? He is being honest with you that he doesn't want another child, and I think you need to respect that.

Sounds like you need therapy, and you have to ask yourself whether you want a third child more than you want to keep your marriage. Withholding intimacy is a cruel thing to unfairly punish him for.

What is your life like for your 2 DC? Maybe you need to out all your energy into them

You need to have the discussion with him. It doesn’t sound like from what you’ve written that you’ve properly spoken about it since. You also need to think about what you want and why and spell it out to him.

"I think you're in a difficult position. Prior to starting your family. Did you and your DH agree on what your ideal family size was? He is being honest with you that he doesn't want another child, and I think you need to respect that."

I agree with this. I know so many couples where there has been disagreement as to how many children they would have and the prevailing wisdom is that the "no" outweighs the "yes" because children, whilst a blessing, are also demanding, hard work and expensive.

Your position would be easier to understand if you only had 1 child but you already have 2; can they not be enough for you? I know many people with 1 child who would have liked more but it didn't happen for them; and people who would have loved to have even just 1 child but were unable to have any. You seem so focussed on what you don't have rather than taking huge joy from what you do have. Have you had therapy or sought any kind of treatment because your response to the situation seems really excessive and destructive?

Of course you should not have sex that you don't want to have but for many of us physical and emotional intimacy is part of the glue of a marriage; do you really want a third child more than you want to preserve your marriage? And do you think it would be better for your two existing children if their parents' marriage goes down the pan because you are obsessed with having a third child?

Why are you not happy with having two beautiful children? Why the need for a third?

Do you want a third birth to rectify the second?
I really think you need to have counselling together.

I was blessed with one beautiful child. I couldnt have more due to financial reasons. I couldnt be happier. I think you need to find out why you're occupied with having a third. when you already have two beautiful children.

I think you need some kind of therapy/help processing this. In pining for the fantasy life with 3 children, you're missing out on fully enjoying the life you have with 2 and also putting your marriage under serious pressure. You need to process your disappointment and resentment and try to get to a place of acceptance.

At the same time, I think your dh is foolish not to take proper steps to prevent pregnancy. I assume he knows the reason you won't have sex is due to conflating it with conceiving. In which case, he could draw a line under it by getting a vasectomy and removing that as a possibility.

What does that mean, that after 3 months it was too late? Have you two had discussions since that time, and what reason does he give for not wanting more children?

I, too, find it strange how he vehemently doesn't want children, yet he uses the risky pull-out method. You shouldn't even risk becoming pregnant right now because the marriage isn't stable. No sex for years. Now, your extreme emotions about how it's performed. Children should only be born into healthy relationships, if it's not a single person choosing to have a child with a donor, etc.

I have known of some women who are so overly focused on the children that they neglect their spouse. They seem to value mother/child relationships more, and avoid everything or many things that should be shared with a husband in a healthy marriage. Really look at yourself and decide if this is the case, and that with your other children growing older, that you just want another one so you can continue devoting your time and energy on them which lessens the time and energy you have to spend on your spouse.

It'd be one thing if you married and he changed his mind about having any children. But that didn't happen, and even if he initially wanted 3 or more, he's in his rights to change his mind, just as if the tables were turned and he wanted more but you didn't. Would you want him to be refraining from sex for years and have a lot of emotional strife that he wasn't seeking therapy for?

I know that when I married, I initially wanted 4 children, but changed my mind early on to have two. Sometimes you have to experience the reality of life with children to see how things are, and it's realistic to expect one might change their mind about the number of children originally planned.

You have to try for emotional maturity and respect the wishes of a partner, if he is reasonable, which your husband is. If you can't manage emotions like this on your own, it's up to you to do the right thing and seek therapy. Take care.

Sadly sex matters in relationships we are built to sexually engage with partners. I would say you could try sexual alternatives with him. hands are good, toys might be good.

Since the CB cap was lifted a lot of people want to have another child.

This is total madness on your part !
You already have 2 beautiful children but you are willing to potentially break up the family because your desire to have a third child .
Because ultimately is what you want and because friends of your have 3 it’s beyond any rational understanding.
Start having regular sex and build a loving family unit or as the saying goes
“ be careful what you wish for “

You say your 2nd birth wss very traumatic Op, it's possible that it was traumatic for him too and that's why he didn't want anymore children afterwards. Could you go for couples therapy and see if it helps you both?

Oh yes because it's so much money 🙄

You need some therapy, individually and as a couple. And your husband should have a vasectomy, since he's so sure about not having a third and to avoid any lingering hope on your part.

Withhol Sex to punish someone is awful behaviour

your husband should be using condoms if you are still having sex , or maybe he should think about leaving

you shouldn't be forced to have sex you don't want. But withholding it due to punishment is pretty shitty behaviour. You say you didn't have sex with him for years? Most people would have left. I would have left. You have 2 children already, you are incredibly lucky to have 2 kids. You are literally ruining a marriage and splitting up a family which will impact your 2 kids already, for another hypothetical child. Please consider therapy.

I would say do consider some therapy op to discuss your feelings. He is very much entitled to not want more kids, and your relationship doesn’t sound in a good enough place to be considering more kids anyway.

Yes also agree your husband is insane not to use a condom.

Massively irresponsible of both of you to have unprotected sex when the possible pregnancy isn’t something you’ve both agreed on. Would you rather have three and no husband?

Madness, if your maternal desire is so strong, get a cat or dog to shower your maternal love on, if possible.
My youngest son has high functioning Asperger’s, had I known the risks ( my ex borderline Asperger’s), I would have stuck to my ok son, one is 37, and one 35.
i have one grandson, who I hardly see, my cat I baby, he’s nearly 10, he’s my cuddle companion

My DH didn’t want another child so I told him to get a vasectomy as I did want another, and wouldn’t be taking contraception. And I think that would be useful in your relationship as it would remove the baby making part.
I had a choice to make, split up the family to have a baby with someone else, or stay with DH. As a child of divorce myself I chose to stay, and now I’m perimenopausal I’m actually glad we didn’t have another as I couldn’t cope with a teenager now.
And I think I was always going to want another, no matter how many I had. The hormonal surge does pass eventually.
Also consider how a child with extra needs would affect your family, and your children in the future.

Turn it around . Imagine your husband wanting more children but you were totally against it . What would you be doing to ensure you didn't have a pregnancy ?
You both have free will to make your own decisions . A marriage works by learning you are a couple , two people but working as a unit .
Hopefully you align , but sometimes you don't and you have to work on those .
I'm at the and of child baring now but after my 2 dcs there was a time when I thought a third would be nice .
Like your husband , mine thought two was right for him / us so he had a vasectomy .
now years later I'm ok with that , our family of four is fine and I can't imagine having a 3rd .

You need to work through your feelings in therapy, and I think you need to focus on the home environment you're providing for your existing DC. Is your DH a good, involved father? Is he a supportive partner? Do you love each other? Not having sex with him for years because of this one desire is putting your whole family at risk of collapse. If there is a solid, supportive relationship beneath this one issue, is it really worth the disruption to your DC's lives? I feel so sorry for you that you're carrying that pain, but I also feel terrible for your DH at the years of rejection.

If he really doesn't want more children, he needs to wear a condom or get the snip. It's absolutely ridiculous that he's risking getting you pregnant - is he going to try to insist on an abortion?

You need to decide if a third child is a dealbreaker, and if you want that more than the family setup you already have. If you choose to stay, you need counselling or something to deal with the birth trauma and disappointment & resentment, and jointly to get the marriage on track.

But it doesn't sound like you're talking to each other at all and both taking stupid risks when you do have sex. Both of you need to start acting responsibly.