I have no answers. My partner refused to try for a second child and now two fertility clinics have said that I’m too old to have the second child I’ve always wanted. Strangely my partner agreed to me trying to do IVF with a sperm donor (out of my purse not his) hence the clinical opinion. I imagine this loss is what you are feeling about your third child. I’ve come to learn it doesn’t matter how many children you have, if you always imagined having more there is a grief. And even if you had as many as you wanted there is still that period of sadness, that it’s the end of a part of life.
I largely feel the same about sex as you. I’ve always had an appetite for it, but everytime there’s intimacy that I know has no chance in resulting in pregnancy I feel sad and am reminded of the little person I’m not creating, will never create and who feels stolen from me. It feels like a loss every time. You express something I personally relate to and haven’t seen expressed elsewhere. And most of the comments seem to suggest that you are withdrawing as punishment, when you actually feel torn between your emotional pain and doing what you know will preserve the relationship. It’s definitely changed sex for me. Don’t let the comments make you feel
like a bad person for feeling this way.
Things that have helped me:
The IVF doctor who told me “you don’t know how lucky you are, go and enjoy your life and daughter. I see people for years who never have a child.” I stopped and said, “you really do.” And he paused and had the emotion in his voice of someone who was worn down by years committed to creating families and holding the pain of those who couldn’t conceive, “yes, I do.” Sometimes it takes someone to shake you to realise how lucky you are.
Meditations on acceptance. Yoga/ breath work and crying, really ugly crying … a lot. I don’t hide my pain from my partner - and have said if he finds it uncomfortable he is welcome to leave as I am not going to shield him from the impact of his choice as I sit with it everyday.
Accepting and taking ownership of your choices. I could have left my partner at any point in my DD lifetime, but I chose to stay for her. And I really did think about ending the relationship. But I didn’t. If you desperately want another child you will need to leave the relationship. But know you are making the choice now, But staying means working on the relationship, and really choosing it or you’re not really committing to your own judgment or trusting yourself. No half way suffering the relationship. I felt so much control had been taken from me about the life I wanted, that I felt angry and a victim or failure. Reminding myself I had two paths and I chose this one really helped reduce the feeling of being a victim and powerless. It takes the edge off the hopeless anger and lets your body reset and process the grief.
Slightly unpicking what success means to us also helps. When we are in the bubble of people having large families, we don’t see the people who are not. Like the algorithms of social media sometimes our real
life social bubbles are the same. Consciously refocusing - spending time with one child families and friends who do not have children. In the UK and America the birth rate is such that one child is the new normal. Women with one child report best life satisfaction, and it declines with number of children. Also you can be a bit more smug about saving the planet since not having children is the biggest way to reduce a carbon footprint. Easier said than done - I cried yesterday after returning from the school fete and seeing the mums of 5. Even though they were clearly knackered. Also talking to parents of older children - many teenagers have terrible mental health and are struggling to leave their bedrooms with anxiety - and say “what is the world you’re bringing a child into?” They worry so much for the children they have that they wonder if they would had them knowing where the world is at right now.
In terms of sex, I’ve tried to reclaim it. Starting with health and hormonal balance. To reclaim my body and spend more time with it, excerise, reclaim my own interest in sex for me not my partner. Saying thank you to it for it has done, sorry for everything I’ve put it through - reconnecting mind and body. Removing sense of duty, guilt or shame (some of the answers push you towards), and reempowering your inner goddess. It’s the ultimate removal of autonomy to take away a child, so gaining back some sexual power may allow for more generosity. If you’ve rediscovered your mojo your partner can be a beneficiary, but he gets the overflow. It’s your mojo to share. Often we feel most attracted to partners when we see who they are from a distance - there’s a brene brown ted talk I’m sure. Having sex is good for you. It increases circulation/ is associated with decreased sexual atrophy as you get older which is linked to sex hormones which it turns out are linked to everything in your whole body from gut, brain, to frozen shoulders. So have sex for you. Plus it’s the glue of a relationship - and less arguments is good for the kids. But start with you. Don’t feel pressured to have the sex you don’t want. Have it because you feel like it. Rebuild the mental association with fun and connection - relearn and reprogram. Tiny steps.
On the topic of connectedness - why is he disappearing to the bathroom? The oxytocin increase after the male orgasm is one of the key bonding moments of sex. He should be staying put for cuddles. To me that seems like he’s shutting you out and blocking intimacy. Which probably isn’t helping with the feeling of it being transactional. He may be doing that because he feels your sadness and feels guilty/ or doesn’t know what he’s feeling. I’d prob say it straight - you’re not having the sex you’d like - how you feel after. It acknowledges the elephant in the room and gives you a starting place. Men generally (not all) need sex to feel connected, so you talking about sex will signal that you care about him and the relationship. Even if you don’t feel like having it, acknowledge that you know that is a problem helps. Men can often come from a place of protection - he’ll feel drawn between giving you what you want and what he feels is in his ability to protect. The second birth being traumatic has made him
frightened of a third child, of going through it again when he was powerless to protect you. He may never change his mind but finding ways for him to express his reasons, which are likely routed in his love for you and a desire to create a happy life will help you feel a smidge less resentful. If you’re not having sex and not communicating, you’re definitely not going to have a third child and the life you have with your lovely two children may not be as happy as it could have been with or without a third child. So the starting place is communication and sex. Or leave. But actively chose.