I’ve just arranged the time and place of my dumping….

[Betty1305]

Long story, but me and my husband split in October last year. We tried the blended family thing for 6 years and it all became too much. We sold the house, but lived together during the interim. We got back together during the 6 months between agreeing the sale and moving as we both still loved each other very much, but agreed to continue with the sale and then live separately.
It was acknowledged by both of us that it wouldn’t be easy but we’d see how it went and were committed to each other.
Now 2 weeks after we moved out he’s completely stepped back, needed space and has now asked for ‘a talk’. We’re meeting at a pub between us both tomorrow at 6pm. I feel sick and that I’ve been completely misled. I wouldn’t have continued an intimate relationship with him if I’d thought he would do this to me now.
I feel so stupid.

Oh dear.
I'm really sorry.
This must hurt you so much.

I'm sorry, that's awful and you have every right to feel misled and let down.

I think it's better that you have found this out now rather than waste any more time on him. You have the opportunity to make a new life for yourself now. Give yourself time. Take it one day at a time and you will soon start to feel optimistic for the future and all the adventures you haven't had yet. Look after yourself lovely 💐

You’re telling yourself a story of his motives, that he ‘misled’ you. Perhaps he wanted it to work as much as you did? Be careful of the stories you tell yourself because they don’t always help you in your journey to healing. As a couple you built a life together with the best intentions, and for whatever reason that didn’t work but this doesn’t have to be a failure- just a chapter that’s closing in a long and happy life. There was happiness in your shared history and there’s happiness in your future.

I am sorry OP. Maybe its best to rip off the band aid now rather than much later. These things are so gut punching regardless. Lots of soft hugs.

You both moved into separate properties two weeks ago, you’ve both been busy and he’s having doubts that it will work now.
It might be for the best @Betty1305 it will be hard to sync both your DC staying with the other parent to get together. His and your DC have their own space now and might not be willing to spend time all together.

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful responses. I’m dreading seeing him today and how I’ll feel afterwards, but it’s got to be done.

Stay strong

If he wanted to be with you he would living together or not. It sounds like he was using you to me but I hope I’m wrong. I always assume the worst when it comes to men!

You don't actually have to go if you feel too vulnerable - message him and ask him just to put his thoughts in writing.

You're absolutely not obliged to respect his wishes on this point - if you prefer a physical distance that's what you can have.

To paraphrase 'He's not the boss of you now!'. Choose your own way out. x

That sounds awful i can see why youd feel betrayed. You're not obliged to be having to suffer it in a public place though, he could do it over the phone.

Maybe change it to somewhere more private than a pub just in case. Whether its good or bad it’s probably not a conversation you would want to have in public. Don’t assume he wasn’t trying, sometimes some time apart gives an opportunity to re-evaluate, I wouldn’t assume the worst of him, it has obviously not been working for a while and you can still very much care for a person whilst also knowing it’s not right for you x wish you the best OP x

By any chance does the new living separately arrangement mean that his time is largely child-free?

I wouldn’t be going to a pub on a Friday. Too many people around probably and done to protect him.

I met him tonight, I just needed to get it over with. It was what I expected. I’m proud of myself because although I was tearful and it was difficult I held myself respectfully and said what I wanted to say.
I’m establishing no contact now. And living alone. Both my sons are away at university now so I’ll spend most of my time with my dog and cats!
It feels very raw right now

You tried for six years to be a blended family and it was too much, I know you got back together but once you both moved to different homes it was inevitable one of you would decide to end the relationship.
You both had valid reasons in October to end the relationship, tension, resentment to name a few and now you can please yourself.

Bless you, sending you a hug 🫂 well done for getting through it. Time to do all the self care you can for the next few days - soak in a bubble bath, walk in the woods, coffee & cake with a friend, watch a comedy, make yourself favourite comfort food, wear your softest comfiest pj's.

@Endofyear thank you 💐
I’m in my pjs and messaging friends who I have probably neglected. Hopefully I can get my life back again. I really appreciate your post

Just to add a little something to this - I split with my long term partner last summer, she bought me out of the mortgage and I bought my own home- it’s been about 10 months now and the no contact period has moved to very light contact to a few hours at each others house to a bit of let’s date again and see what happens

emotion are raw right now but time and distance are a healer if real feelings still exist and you are prepared to be open minded, patient and keep communicating

I think comfirmation and a strong walk in love is needed. Doubts come to everyone and in all relationships. I stay committed to my partner for life because they provide for me need everyday. I have an agreement with them.

He has text my son, who is away from me at university, to say I need extra support right now. But he’s never had a close relationship with my eldest son and even my son has described it as odd. It has pissed me off tbh as his negative attitude towards my eldest son is one of the main reasons I left!
Maybe he’s been drunk 🤷🏼‍♀️ again

How patronising of him. Especially when he doesn’t have a close relationship with your son. You’re well rid x

This is the time you will be feeling lost but you will start to untangle the reasons why you split up in October.
You’ve mentioned his negative attitude towards your eldest being the one of the main reason why you left. It must of been awful for you and eldest to live with such negativity and his rejection of your son would have really hurt you both.
I would tell your eldest son not to respond to your ex’s message and reassure son that you will be ok.

He messaged your eldest son to make him feel pulled between studying and guilt that you’re not coping and son is not with you.
You’ve got NC so he is going against your wishes for silence from him and using your son to do so.
The trouble had you and ex still been in a relationship with separate homes with him resenting your son/sons is you would’ve had to keep celebrations / when your sons came home separate from him. It would be exhausting and made you feel pulled in all directions. It could have damaged your relationship with your sons and seeing future grandchildren.
I would start writing down all the details about your ex’s actions and words that eroded the relationship for you and your sons and once you feel ready you can start a list of positives of being free.

I wouldn't waste energy being angry with him as he maybe wasn't clear what he wanted either. I agree him contacting your son was him overstepping boundaries and wanting to be seen to "be kind" whilst just stirring things.
I think getting back together with someone after you have decided to split rarely works as the reasons that caused the break in the first place have usually not gone away.
Hope things go well in the future, I agree with reassuring your son that you'll be fine

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