Am I overreacting to my mother-in-law constantly criticising and comparing me?

[DreamyPoetess]

I got married 2 years ago and for the first couple of months everything was good, then I realised my MIL always used to talk about either herself or her daughter or her grandchild. She always tended to say praises about her daughter in front of me but mostly used to criticize me. She commented on what I wore saying it was a bit flashy and in the same sentence she said isn't her daughter looking so good! She has never positively commented on my outfits or my appearance but keeps praising her daughter for everything ( my SIL). I don't have any problem with my SIL as she is sweet but I don't like my MIL for making me feel small always in front of everyone. After hearing criticism on every single thing I do, I don't feel like talking to her at all even over the phone as I know it always puts me in a bad mood post that. Am I overreacting or being too sensitive like my husband says often, that my MIL isn't being mean or hurtful, she is just straightforward and likes beautiful people. Since then I have developed some anxiety and low self esteem issues.Please advice on how to deal with this situation?

Your MIL is being a bitch and your husband thinks you should just let it go? I think that is a big problem. He should back you up and tell his mother to stop being critical.

If I were you I would back right off and let him deal with her, you don't have to see her or talk on the phone to her if you don't want to. Tell your husband that unless he's prepared to grow a backbone and deal with his mother being rude and nasty to you, you won't be seeing her again.

I would be tempted to repeat if back to her word for word and say…Brenda do you think that’s an acceptable thing to say to somebody? I would call her out!!!

Why do you see so much of her? What do you say in reply when she passes these comments?

Yes I agree.

“Brenda are you meaning to say things that may be hurtful or is it an accident? You’re really going to upset someone one day, You should be more mindful of what you’re saying!”

“Your MIL is being a bitch”

First post nails it!

Your dh is probably so used to her talking line this, praising her daughter etc, that it just washes over him. However, he does need to stick up for you.

Have you confronted her. Maybe bite back and say, ‘’… I agree sil did look nice in her dress, but I really like what I was wearing as well’.

or make it a silent game. Play ‘elevenses’. If you say something is ten out of ten, wait for her to say something else is ‘eleven out of ten’

Your mil is a bitch and your h is a mouse in her presence. He is both unable and unwilling to stand i
up for himself or you and his inertia re his mother hurts him as much as you. He needs therapy re her because he’s been trained to put her first with his needs dead last.

Where is your father in law here?. I ask only as he is not mentioned..

Do read toxic in-laws by Susan Forward.
I would stay well away from her going forward. And no you are not being too sensitive. She is a nasty person.

You need the classic mumsnet phrase - ‘did you mean to sound so rude?’

She sounds positively nasty and clearly thinks you are beneath them.
step back from her. If hubby asks why you’re so unavailable then it’s because you feel so uncomfortable around her.
what is that crap about she likes beautiful people? Like youre not. Odd comment.

Why are you having so much contact with her? Is she phoning for a chat and then starts criticising?

I would let DH do all the MIL Work. You take a large step back.

Mothers usually back their children, before and after marriage. Unless the daughter becomes a serial killer, its second place i am afraid. But even then the daughter would be loved more. I think good respect is most important, comparison would be offputting though i admit.

You are not overreacting, she is unkind.

Maybe you should start saying what a wonderful Mother you have, start peppering conversations with how supportive she is, caring, loving and well dressed.

Also considering commenting back on her outfit choices and if she gets huffy about it ask her why it can only go one way? Don't think being the dutiful DIL means keeping your mouth shut it just makes you the target of her bitchiness.

Your Dh is an idiot. I am sure if you asked him how he would feel if your Dad starting levelling the same kind of comments at him he would feel prickly too.