Did anyone else marry someone they weren’t in love with to avoid getting their heart broken?

[catsaremyangels]

…. Just me?

I’ve spent my life being scared of being in love with someone and then cheating on me or leaving me for someone else. This is due to many men in my family having done this, so I learnt from an impressionable age that it’s common. I remember thinking at 14 that I will never let a man hurt me like that.

So my solution was to be with someone who I don’t like very much (and he doesn’t really like me much now either), as if he cheats on me I won’t care anyway. But I don’t think he would do that as he isn’t interested in sex or love in the first place (he is very lazy and selfish), I was very easily pleased when we first got together but subconsciously I think I knew he was too lazy to stray.

We did break up for a bit once, and I did have a head over heels romance for a short time. It ended terribly and I was heartbroken, I had let something happen I didn’t think I would. As a result, I went back to my ex (now husband) as I thought it was safer than being vulnerable to heartbreak again.

Therefore I’m now married to my housemate, and I don’t have children which I always thought I wanted to have. Soon after we married 7 years ago, sex became very hard - he stopped being able to ejaculate, and then it became non-existent. When we married he said he wanted children but a few years later he said he doesn’t. But even if we wanted kids it would have been impossible with his erectile dysfunction and then no sex at all. I’m also aware it wouldn’t be a great environment for a child to live in. I have given up on ever being a mother as I wouldn’t be able to leave, divorce, and find someone else suitable at my age.

I know this is quite fucked up but surely I can’t be the only one in the world who is/was so scared of heartbreak that they settled for something as the risk of doing otherwise was too scary?

I think about having therapy but I’m not sure that would change my mentality.

The risk of heartbreak is surely better than lining with someone you don’t really like and who doesn’t really like you

I think people can be content with being with someone they aren’t wildly in love with, and content enough that they’ve changed their preferences eg not having kids.
but it sounds like you’re actively unhappy OP. The words you use to describe OH and your life are very negative. Therapy might help, or it might not, but perhaps it’s unlikely to make your situation worse.

in the words of George Elliot - It’s never too late to be who you might’ve been.

Not me, but a very good friend. Breaks my heart to know she is in a largely loveless marriage where they are going through the motions.

How old are you?

I don't see the appeal of this, no. Nobody wants their heart broken but what you are living right now is million times worse. And, honestly, a broken heart is something which "might happen" and you've swapped a hypothetical for very real life-long misery. I'm sure you are not the only one. In fact, my best friend married someone just so she could move out of parental home. They've been married for 25 years and both are desperately unhappy.
Therapy would be marvelous. Unfortunately, it only works when you want it to work which you don't appear to really want. What can I say... it's your life.

I’m in the process of getting divorced but much of my story is similar to yours except I really did love my husband to begin with. But he is lazy, selfish, said he wanted children and then didn’t want them, knowing full well it would be too late for me. He is basically a teenager in a 40 year old body. We also ended up as housemates, mainly because he put zero effort in.

Eventually my husband did have an affair, which is unsurprising really as he has always needed a lot of validation from other people. I am trying to look forward to the future now, even being alone has got to be better than being stuck with a miserable, selfish man child!

What is stopping you from leaving? I had therapy and it made me look at what my marriage was really like - the good and bad bits, and also why I was choosing to settle for so little. You might find it helpful.

No, I married at 18 because I was head over heels in love - sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and even if it doesn't work out, at least you have the memories of the very best feeling. As it turns out, we're still together 36 years later, lots of ups and downs but I have no regrets.

I couldn't stay with a man that I didn't like very much, especially if I didn't have children. I'd rather be alone. Being content in your own company is better than living with someone who's indifferent to you.

I do think you should have some therapy - it might help you overcome your fear of getting hurt, you never know. It can't hurt to try, can it? At the very least, you might discover things about yourself. I hope you do because you deserve real happiness 💐

Not married but I was with someone for years mostly because I didn't really care if she left me. Don't think she was very invested either. This was after I'd had some kind of breakdown after my previous gf left me.
When we split I felt nothing really other than I was disappointed in myself for putting up with such a nothing relationship. Fell head over heels with someone after that but that was doomed. Given up now and forever single.
Would do things very differently if I had my time (and the wisdom of MN) again.

Yes, I totally understand your point, OP. It's a clever strategy, in a fucked up way. I think I've done things in a similar vein, not exactly the same.

Would you like to change that? Or to make peace with the situation?

Yes. I married someone because time was running out (this was 30 years ago) and although I was fond of, and possibly loved him, I knew the depth of feeling wasn’t enough to break my heart if it all went wrong. We had similar backgrounds and values for the most part so it could have worked out.

Once the children came along it became clear he regarded me as the default parent. He became increasingly selfish and thoughtless and, influenced by a colleague, gradually checked out of family life. I must take some of the blame as all my time and emotional energy was taken up with the children and a high pressure job (his boast that he was “good with money” turned out to mean “utterly stingy”) and I was pressured to earn as much as I could. I became increasingly resentful of being treated like a domestic appliance/cash cow.

He ended up having several affairs and once I found this out, along with evidence of some quite perverted behaviour, I was relieved to divorce him. I’ve never looked back. Yes we had some happy times at first; we could often make each other laugh. The thought of spending a long retirement together made me cringe, however.

I’m aware this makes me sound hyper-critical and as if he were the only one at fault. That’s not my intention, and is not true. However, if he had stepped up as a father, and tried to resolve problems in the relationship as they occurred, who knows, the marriage might have succeeded.

Among other reasons, yes. Only semi conscious but definitely there. I think there’s probably a sliding scale. I’m sure lots of women hear that all men are bastards so they find one that feels safe and think that’s enough, other standards are on the floor. But maybe they wouldn’t express it in quite the terms you have, rather it’s part of a complex consideration. We might expect to compromise more on excitement and attraction and whatever else in the hope we can avoid being cheated on or abandoned.

So you would rather be in this shambles unhappy anyhow which is bizarre.
First time lasted a year due to him cheating 2 days after we got married. I stayed single for 5 then met up with my now dh and couldn't be any happier and have our large family now to

All i seem to be reading lately on here is brakeups and divorces.
I think marrage is declining due to women knowing their worth more and why shaire what you earned to give him half, women have wised up over the decades.
Im one of them.

Yep. I was conditioned to take whatever was offered as im odd. Im also kind and intelligent and attractive but you know being odd trumped that. A boring marriage with his needy family, gambling issues and general dickheadness made me suicidal. Now I do what I want.

This is all in your hands, OP. You’re not getting anything out of this relationship. If you leave, you might find a man to have children with, but even if you don’t, you will be happier than you are living a man you don’t like.
As for heartbreak, I suspect it’s part of being human. It’s a normal thing, anyone who’s had more than one or two relationships has probably had their heart broken, or broken somebody else’s. Life isn’t a thing to be got through avoiding all emotional upset. Work on building some resilience and depend on yourself. You can dig yourself out of this hole.

Lots of things in life are terrifying, but they are often the things with the greatest potential for reward and joy.

I always approach major life decisions by thinking what will 90 year old me look back on and think 'that was a good decision'? The idea of my husband dying terrifies me, ditto my kids. I'd be less susceptible to heartbreak if I hadn't married or had kids. But 90 year old me would say, "I am so glad I seized every chance to love greatly, know utter joy, and live to the full... even if it does end in some kind of heartbreak."

It's never too late to start again OP. You can't change your experience and choices so far, but what would 90 year old you want you to do with all the years you still have to live?

No OP but I understand the logic!
I married and was very much in love with my husband but years later I am utterly miserable and feel I can’t leave.
change is hard - but as a pp says would you look back at 90 and say it was worth leaving and living differently?

How did marrying someone you don’t love or really like work out for you? Is it better than heartbreak, like you hoped? If not, you can make a change, it’s not too late!

I'd rather be single.

I don't think I realised how common it is, to marry a person with whom you're not in love. I certainly didn't ever love my first DH (although, to be fair, he was pretty awful so I don't think women were queueing round the block to date him). I disliked my parents even more though, so it kind of made sense at the time to get rid of them and try a life with my DH.

I really loved my 2nd ex at first, but ironically I don't believe he ever loved me back. Ended up with us splitting. Now I'm happy alone.