Married, love my DH but have a secret crush on someone

[Halfpen]

I have an annoying crush on a short term contractor at work. He’s not going to be here much longer thankfully, so it’s more of a temporary concern, but it bothers me I find myself attracted to someone else, that’s not who I want to be as a person or a wife and feel guilty about it. Is it normal to find other people attractive, you just don’t act on it?

I’m not at the stage of limerance or anything, and have no intention of making any advances towards my crush, he doesn’t know, and soon I will never see him again which will be a relief as it’s actually more stressful than enjoyable wondering if I am accidentally flirting with him.

Crush is very visually similar to my DH, but older and in good shape. He is definitely my type, and single me would have been interested. I have found myself making a little bit more effort with my hair and make up each day when I go into the office and indulging in some light day dreaming fantasies but acting professionally otherwise

I’m married to a man I love very much. However he has not been taking the best physical care of himself and has gained a significant amount of weight in the past 18 months. This affects his confidence and mobility, and our sex life to some degree. He can’t go on top because he crushes me and he has a big belly which gets in the way, so often we are limited. I’m not shallow in that I don’t find him attractive, because I still do, and I don’t love him less, but I do find him more sexually attractive when he takes care of himself and our sex life is more active and adventurous. I am concerned for his health. He’s not depressed or unwell, he just enjoys eating and is inactive tbh.

I’ve spoken to him about health, and I’m always here to support him what he wants to do, I am moderately careful what I eat and work out regularly. I married him in sickness and in health so I know life changes, but we are only in our early 40’s so I wasn’t expecting this so soon. He says he wants to lose weight for his health in the long term but doesn’t seem to be doing anything. For reference he’s 6ft tall and about 19stone, but it’s mostly all in his belly.

Is this normal? Why do I feel so guilty when I haven’t done anything? Is it wrong to want to glow up my husband into a middle aged hunk? I feel really guilty about wishing he would lose some weight as I would be so upset if someone felt this way about me, I’ve been overweight before and would have felt really shit 😩. I feel like a terrible person

You’re allowed to appreciate other people being attractive. You don’t get fitted with blinkers upon marriage!!

Would you do anything if this short term contractor made a move / asked you out?

Op I wouldn’t find a man that has a huge belly attractive, and I’m not at all shallow (DH is shorter than me which is usually a massive ‘no no’ on here, I’ve also dated men very conventionally unattractive). But I draw the line at being very overweight or unkempt.

You’re absolutely entitled to a crush so long as it stays just a crush, and you don’t start to go out of your way for it or try to pursue it.

But I would be having a serious chat about him starting WLI

No. I genuinely adore my DH and I don’t think I could replicate the emotional connection/bond with anyone else and would be very foolish to ruin that and our nice life together.

The crush guy is conventionally attractive, I don’t think I’m the only middle aged woman checking him out. He also seems nice, I don’t think he is looking for a quick shag with a random lady. Maybe the selfish part of me fantasises about none of this mattering and getting away with an exciting adulterous liaison but neither DH or my crush deserve that and it would just be selfish of me and likely not that fun

I am in a headspace where I miss the sex DH used to have. The belly is an issue. I do wish it wasn’t. We still have sex but it’s just not the same

I think it's common in a long-term relationship to have occasional crushes on other people. The marriage vow to forsake all others would hardly be necessary if everyone else just ceased to be attractive once we committed. I don't think this happens to everyone but I've been with DH for 25+ years and have had a few crushes here and there in that time. These crushes have had no impact on my love for DH and I have had no wish to leave him and pursue anyone else. I imagine it's been the same for him. I don't think it is an indication that something is missing from the main love relationship. It's just life and it matters as much as you let it. One of the main points of commitment is not letting passing attraction to other people interfere with your main relationship. So I don't think you should feel guilty about that.

DH and I could both do with losing a significant amount of weight but we are quite a lot older than you and your DH (I'm in my late 50s; he's in his 60s). I understand your concerns for your DH's health. You're probably very busy already but is there a shared activity you could take up to help him with the weight loss?

You need to tell your DH that it’s time to lose weight.
Not only is it getting in the way of your sex life but you will come to resent becoming his carer as his health deteriorates quicker than yours.