Can 'time apart' rekindle your marriage?

[HelpAWO]

I'll make this short, I feel like my 10 year marriage is dead in the water. No abuse, he contributes financially, he's a nice guy with good intentions, but is oblivious to family life (mental load) and my emotions needs. I just feel extremely unloved and under appreciated.

For the last 2-3 years we've been in a loop of me expressing how unhappy I am, we discuss the issues, he promises to change, things change for a few weeks, then it goes back to how it was, I get unhappy again — rinse and repeat. He thinks I'm being unreasonable' 'I'm trying, but you...', 'I love you, and you should be able to see that...' etc. I'm past talking it over, telling him I don't feel loved, then hearing about how he's going to change. I now refuse to have these conversations because they are pointless, but the cycle continues just replacing the 'we discuss the issues' with 'unbearable tension and awkward silence'. I'm also not sure I want to go through couples therapy (again).

I'm not happy but equally in an ideal world we wouldn't split, I know he's a good guy, the financial and lifestyle implications would be huge, and if I'm honest I'm not sure the grass is greener on the other side (I wouldn't be looking for another relationship, I'd fill my cup other ways).

So I'm thinking of telling him that I need time apart to clear my head, prioritize myself without feeling like I owe him anything, and give him an opportunity (should he want to) to rekindle the relationship. But does moving from 'I'll leave you if X, Y, Z doesn't change' to 'If you want me back you need to X, Y, Z' ever actually work?

What you describe sounds like the logical next step, but how would it work in practice? You mention “family life”, but are there children?

Depends what X, Y and Z are

What you’re describing isn’t a lack of talking anymore, it’s a pattern that’s lost credibility.

You’ve both learned the script: You raise it → he reassures → small effort → things slip → you feel hurt again.

At this point, the issue isn’t whether he means what he says. It’s that the change isn’t sticking long enough for you to feel safe in it. And that’s why you’re now shutting the conversations down, not because you don’t care, but because your emotional system has stopped believing anything will actually be different.

The “time apart” idea can feel like a reset, but it often just changes the environment, not the dynamic. And the dynamic is the part that keeps recreating the same cycle.

Also, shifting to “if you want me back, you need to…” can easily turn into another version of the same loop, just with more pressure attached. He tries harder briefly, but without real understanding of what actually creates emotional safety for you, it fades again.

So the more useful question isn’t: “Will this make him change?”
It’s: “What has been missing that means the change never lasts?”

Because from what you’ve written, it’s likely not effort, it’s understanding and consistency. Right now, you’re both playing different games, you’re looking for emotional connection, shared responsibility, feeling seen.
He’s likely measuring himself by intention, providing, and “not being a bad guy”. So when he says “I love you, you should see that,” he probably genuinely believes he is showing it, just not in a way that lands for you.

Before making a big move like time apart, there’s a middle ground that often gets missed, less talking about what’s wrong, and more clarity around what “feeling loved” actually looks like in real, repeat
able behaviours.

Why are people posting AI answers? If OP wanted to ask AI I'm sure she would have done it herself.

I don't know, it might give him the kick up the arse he needs or he might say it has and then it just carries on happening when he comes back and gets settled back in.

To be fair to him, I haven't a clue what exactly it is you want either.

Been there done that. It’s over. And now I’m glad. We spent way to long trying to fix a marriage that didn’t work. Sorry.

Again, @HelpAWO, you're going to have to clarify your question if you want any helpful answers. You don't want to split because the financial and lifestyle implications would be huge, but you're planning to... what? Move out of the family home?

For specifics, it would be a very long post. It’s death by 1000 cuts.

But to summarise, I’d like him to reliably and consistently follow through with the things that I tell him would help me out and/or make me feel appreciated.

And he does knows what those things are; not letting me down last minute with childcare (we both work), occasionally emptying the dishwasher rather than always leaving it to me, etc. Plus things like buying me something thoughtful for Mother’s Day rather than a supermarket card and bar of soap. I know it sounds 100% ridiculous, but it’s like I’m not even a consideration in his life.

Temporarily take a break from the relationship, while we both decide if it’s worth any extra effort to save it.

Logistically the extreme would be the kids and one of us at home, while the other stays with parents or in a hotel, switching over to both have time with the kids.

Minimum would be one of us in the spare room, splitting responsibilities by day, not spending our weekend time together, not expecting the other to provide, etc.

im not 100% sure, but don’t think I can continue in this loop. Hence looking for others experience or advice

In that case, I'd say he's not going to change, op.

If the marriage is generally really good and you have young children, could you look at other ways of easing your load?
Is a cleaner, home help a possibility?

Otherwise leave and see what happens. You'd have to be prepared to accept that one or both of you might well prefer the new way, though . So you'd need to be prepared for that. 💜

But won’t he just let you down with childcare and fail to empty the dishwasher?

I think if you’ve reached the point where thinking that taking a break is the next step, then it’s something you need to do. It’s the make or break point. There’s no point just repeating the same pattern and expecting things to change because they won’t.

If you suggest it, be prepared to give up control over whether you get back together.

He sounds unlikely to change, but if he's going to then maybe this is what it takes to realise how serious this is.