How can I support my husband without carrying all his happiness?

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I don't know what to do about DH - I think he is depressed but I just don't know anymore how to help him. I have been worried for a while now that he has become socially isolated. After Covid he has been allowed to work from home almost exclusively which means he never really leaves the house apart from to run errands/take DCs to school. We moved to a new area shortly before covid and while I have managed to make a good group of friends, he has struggled. As a result he meets up with friends about once every 6 months, whereas I go out about once a month.

DH seems resentful when I go out more than once a month and suggests that I don't want to spend any time with him. He also suggests that I don't care about him because I never organise dates or nights out with him. We have talked extensively about this and I make a real effort to not go out more than once or twice a month. I have pointed out that it would be nice if he could organise a date once in a while because I constantly am the one to do it and I want to be treated for once but he has yet to do it.

I just don't know what to do. I love DH and he is a fantastic father but I feel like I am solely responsible for his happiness. I've suggested seeing a dr (he hasn't), I managed to persuade him to try talking therapies which he did for the allotted 6 weeks but he really needs to do more of but I just can't get him to take action. About every 6 months he will have a blow up and tell me how unhappy he is and that it is essentially because I am not being a good wife but then when we talk it out nothing changes. I just don't know what to do to help him.

I actually think you need to take on less, not the more he wants from you. And keep reminding him of your expectations for him. He has a phone, he can use it for other things besides doomscrolling.

If he's not willing to put the effort into his own happiness by booking a babysitter and making a dinner reservation (even just the dinner!), then he is defaulting to you parenting him and arranging playdates just as you do with the DCs.

I would start saying things in response to the grumbling like "I've love to go on a date with you! Why don't you book something for us next week?" and "The next date we go on will be the one you book for us" - repeat it often enough and he might get the message. Then positive reinforcement when he does it. But be careful of him thinking once is enough and he's put you back in your place - you'll have to take your turn and go back to the "next date is yours honey, I'm waiting on you!" statements until it becomes a habit.

We are all responsible for our own happiness and wellbeing. He’s completely in the wrong to put it on you. You need to tell him that you’re not responsible for him.

Take a step away from trying to organise things and don’t allow him to guilt trip you because you have friends and a social life.

This. His happiness is ultimately his own responsibility.

You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped. He has become reclusive as a result of working from home exclusively and only takes the kids to and from school. Covid times were five years ago and his employers should really encourage him to go back into the office.

He is not really a fantastic father in your words is he and he is a poor example of a husband. I am thinking he is projecting his own self onto you when he says you are not being a "good wife". He is certainly not being a good husband. He is making no real effort to change things (he wants you to do that for him) and he will not see the doctor nor arrange any date nights.

What do his parents or siblings think about him now?.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment or versions there of when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. You are not responsible for him end of; he is.

Your children too see all your reactions both spoken and unspoken to each other; what do you want to teach your DC about relationships and what are they learning here?. You have a choice re him, your children do not.

You are not responsible for his mental health.

Sounds like emotional coercion to me.

You're currently trapped in your own home.

Maybe point him
in the direction of Andy’s Man Club in your area ?

Hi OP. It sounds like you’re holding a lot right now and trying really hard to keep things steady for both of you.
What you’re describing often happens when someone’s world gets smaller like working from home, fewer connections etc, and without realising it, their partner becomes their main, sometimes only, source of emotional connection.

That’s a lot for one person to carry.

He sees you going out and have fun, so he expects you to also bring the fun in your relationship with him.

But as long you become the default person responsible for the happiness in the relationship, he won't have the space to learn how to create that happiness for himself.

You've tried to push him into therapies but he won't engage, maybe because he sees you as the person that can fix it, and you, probably without meaning to, took on that role in an effort to help the relationship.

You're clearly trying and care for him a lot, this may be a case of lovingly opening space for him to be more proactive.

Do you have any joint friends? DH and I made family friends through our kids, and yes in all honesty I see the mums more often as a lot of us have the same days off with the kids in the week, but we often do stuff as whole families on the weekends. It's taken DH a little longer but he's now firm friends with lots of the dads. He might not get a child-free friends meet up very often, but even being at the park/farm/softplay with the kids and another dad is socialising.

Can you bring him into the fold of your friends, without being that person who brings their husband to crash a gals meetup?

It's so frustrating when someone suggests a date and then doesn't plan it or make it happen! Mine threw an idea out before Mothers Day and it's not happened yet, I'm not mad about it but I'm also not bending over backwards to make it happen on top of everything else I sort out.

It’s called emotional blackmail. He is feeding of your guilt. This makes him happy. He is in his happy place- nothing will change.

Been there, done that. I stopped caring and did my own thing more and more. DH was unwell but did not take responsibility for things he COULD do. I had no intention of leaving him, although he questioned me on this repeatedly, and I made my own life work without making his a misery

He won’t go to the GP
He will barely leave the house
He wants to control you and your social life
He won’t organise therapy
And then he blows up saying you are not a good wife

Presume he thinks he’s a “good husband”?

He sounds like a moody wet sock of a man to me. Not what I consider “good dad” material. If you let this continue there is a chance when your child/children get older they will be caught up in the vortex of being responsible for his happiness.

But you love him and have tried talking it through. And still he does nothing to change. So you could try his way, make arrangements for date nights, don’t go out with others so he has absolutely nothing to throw back in your face and see if utter control of his wife is what will actually make him happy. And make a decision from there.

Stop trying! Why on earth are you stopping your self from going out just because he doesn't want you to.

You have to live your life, he has to live his. If he doesn't want to live his life then that's not your problem to fix. If he's bored and lonely when you go out, that's not your problem to fix.

DH seems resentful when I go out more than once a month and suggests that I don't want to spend any time with him.
This bit made me really quite cross. You've only been going out once a month, he's got you all to himself the other 29 days!. Even if you went out twice a week you'd still be spending 70% of your evenings with him. I'd have very short shrift with a partner whinging at me about that.

Tell him it's his turn to organise date night and carry on as normal. I wouldn't pander to this stuff, being supportive does not mean scaffolding.

If he owns your time then you are not his wife, you are his possession.

What are his parents like? DH can be a little like this sometimes - not in that he resents me going out but in relying on me to provide all his socialising. His parents were incredibly insular basically did everything together - got up to together, went to bed together, very rarely went out without each other. She would go and see her sisters once a week, he would go to the football once a fortnight and that was pretty much all the time they spent apart. My parents are completely the opposite and my mum has a very lively social life that doesn’t involve my dad at all (he’s perfectly happy with this as it means he gets the house to himself). So DH does sometimes raise an eyebrow at my two book groups, my nights out with different groups of friends, my occasional weekends away - but he doesn’t resent it.

He has been depressed and as he has recovered I have strongly encouraged him to spend time with his friends. He doesn’t have many as he worked long long hours and he’s not too keen on socialising with colleagues, but just seeing 1-2 of his friends each month made a big difference. I told him that I couldn’t be his only social contact, it was too much.

it’s not your job to made him happy OP. That’s up to him. When you ‘talk it out’ do you point out to him that he hasn’t followed through on arranging date nights etc?

Stop pandering to him. He needs to take responsibility and by telling you you don’t care about him if you going out more than once a month he is being controlling

he has to want to seek help and find that help but that’s shouldn’t stop you from doing what you want. Why should both of you be depressed

so start going out more if that’s what you want to do. Just tell him you do care about him but for your mental health you are going out as you need to engage with others.

tell him to sort dates etc. if he won’t just kick it back to him.

Stop pandering he’s controlling you

Suggest you make the first Saturady of each month date night alternate whose turn it is to arrange that and then continue with your life. Actually, I mean live your life. You need to enjoy yourself and be healthy. You also need to show your children what that means to have an active social life.

If he complains that he is unhappy then sympathise with him and don’t try and problem solve.