Apologies, this is a long one but a lot of context needed
DH decided during yet another argument that he wants a divorce. After hanging the threat for nearly 6 months it seems he may be serious and I’m not fighting it.
As background, we share three businesses, one of which is for his sons attempt to forge a career in sport. I run the admin/operations and have supported financially as well
Son(18) lives with us and while earning a subsistence from his company (£800 per month) does not pay rent or bills. His girlfriend came to stay in Jan from the US for four weeks (also an athlete) and has never left. They buy their own food and cook separately, seems to be no intent to sort a permanent residency location for her (she travels lots internationally so the visitor visa just gets bounced on). Parents do not seem interested in finding a solution for her either
daughter(20) did live with mum until October but due to massive fight (again) moved in with us full time. She works two or three restaurant shifts a week and no intention of getting a full time job, learning to drive (we are rural) or paying rent. Her boyfriend who lives 90 miles away pays for most of her food deliveries, she pays for almost daily deliveries from Boots and online clothing websites. Her room is vile and you can smell it from downstairs.
Adult children are still regularly disrespectful, enter our bedroom without permission, take without asking (including from our room) and maintain the “we don’t have to do what you ask” line that they have done since I met their dad. He has never supported my position and says I’m not parental enough (apparently I should be concerned that his adult children’s don’t eat- they refuse the food I buy and get takeaways). I’ve fed them, closed them, listened to their angst, collected them in the dead of night when their mum has violently kicked them out, offered help with homework, referreed fights with their dad…. I’m no angel, don’t get me wrong but I realise in the cold light of day that I have been totally disregarded and I feel I’ve been used to backfill the exes role without the respect or authority
As an aside, I nearly choked when I asked for the daughter to move out temporarily to her mums as I can’t handle her obnoxious behaviour at the minute (they have sort of reconciled for the hundredth time)- ex response was “that’s for me and (DH) to discuss I’m afraid ”. She’s an adult. It’s my house!!!
DH pays our shared mortgage, bought from the proceeds of our own personal properties from before we met. He pays his exes mortgage (he says this is their agreement but the settlement document says otherwise- she meanwhile has had four moves in 10 years because each house didn’t meet her standards and lives alone in a 3 bed house.)
ex has contributed nothing to the sons care, or his career and was taking all of the family allowances (and DH payments for the daughter) despite son living with us and daughter part time. She inserts herself regularly into our family affairs, including “consoling” DH about the divorce.
She also mocked me for trying to get pregnant after we lost an early twin pregnancy- hence I can’t really sound positive about her! Fortunately none of my babies survived beyond 6 weeks so I don’t have the heartbreak of bringing them up in this. I do have wonderful nieces and a nephew who fill the void with gusto!
our role split:
DH maintains the cars and house if something breaks. He cooks (he moans but won’t leave me to cook and doesn’t really like it when I do)
I pay all bills, most of the food and items that the family uses, gardener and cleaner. I also do the washing for him and I (not kids as there was a 2 hours of wear, 2 towels per day laundry situation).
I do most vet visits, medical bills for three cats (one diabetic), lions share of the cleaning.
I work full time (often weekends as well to cover the sons business admin and other various business issues). The original intent of our financial allocation was me taking on the bills and household admin to free DH time, which equated to an equal split of overall costs. My wages have since dipped a third due to financial constraints in the business and I take home half of what DH does - realising writing this that my contribution is now much more than half of the household expense
DH wants us to live as separated until current work project finishes in circa 3 months time and he thinks we’ll be in a financial position to pay me off to move (not the full amount owed from the businesses, my investments or prenup though, just enough to move out and maybe pay me a wage with the rest to follow post divorce).
However, he seems to think it reasonable to carry on per the existing split and household arrangements. By mid month I have no money left in the account and living off credit cards while still paying for the house and the accommodation for the sons sporting weekends (£600-£1000 per weekend)
AIBU to think a fair split is 50% of our mortgage plus 25% of bills paid into our joint where they currently DD from. He backfills the rest to cover his share and his adult children’s share? What he agrees with them is his business, my financial support obligation to them or them mum is absolved. I no longer run the sons business affairs.
household chores also need a 25/75 split including the cost of a cleaner
a massive reason for us clashing has been my appeals for better respect from him, the kids and his ex, an equal partnership and responsibility for the house. I feel that he wants to absolve himself of the responsibility for the marriage (and to me) under the guise of me “causing him stress by going on at him,” but still expects me to support him emotionally, work for his sons business and generally be a housekeeper!
We sleep separately and I no longer do the hour clean up of their mess before work each morning.
On top of this I’m trying to deal with mums worsening Alzheimer’s, dads poor health and sorting out their financial and practical affairs.
The above summary is the tip of the iceberg where my living conditions are concerned, but my primary concern is that I need to be working myself out of debt to be able to leave ASAP and protect my financial future- not when it suits him.
So:
50% mortgage
representative 25% of finance and household tasks
the rest of his unobligated expenses are his to bear, not me to backfill
this has been a long winded way of asking AIBU to suggest this split?!