Difficult relationship with mum

[meadowkoa]

Hi all,

I guess I’m writing this for a bit of advise as well as a rant. Since having my two children (5 month and 2.5 years) my relationship with my mum has become so difficult. To the point where I’m starting to think no contact may be best as it’s making me ill.

I think most of us look back at our childhood more when becoming parents ourselves and realising how messed up some parts of it was. Whilst I don’t solely blame my mum for her emotions I was exposed to a lot as a child. I will always remember my mum cancelling my parents evening one year and my teacher telling me. I came home to my mum saying we had 0 money and no money for food. I can remember exactly how she looked, completely down. I would’ve been 9 and was trying to come up with ideas to get money.

I remember being in primary school and falling out with my friends. Me and my mum had argued and I will always remember her saying “it’s no wonder you have no friends” the words hurt harder than the physical harm I endured.

Since having children I cannot stand to be around her. She is great with my eldest but doesn’t want to know my youngest, mainly cos she’s harder to look after as she isn’t as independent. She rang me after 15 minutes the other week because the baby was “fed up” I thought she would’ve been having a complete melt down. I got there (only lives 2 mins away) and she was absolutely fine. No sign of distress.

A few days ago she came round, I wanted to take a couple of Vinted parcels to the shop which would’ve taken 10 minutes if that. When I mentioned it she said “ i didn’t know i was coming to look after them” and looked completely put out. It resulted in us having a disagreement and me saying she never helps me. She said she never stops and I need to put my baby down more? Not sure where that came from but she had the audacity to criticise my parenting saying how she brought two children up.

she’s let us down so many times with child arrangements that I just don’t ask anymore. We are constantly butting heads and if I try and say how I feel she says I’m gaslighting her or deflecting things, with no evidence to back her claims which are deeply upsetting. About a year ago we were arguing yet again, she said “so many times I’ve come close to taking my own life. I wish I had the courage to do it. Now back off”. Then gave me the silent treatment for a week which I was so worried about. This was 3 months after my dad had died (they were separated for over 25 years) and a week after I told her I was pregnant.

After any disagreement she gives me the silent treatment which makes me worry she’s done something to herself. I told her this the other month and she just said “okay” and didn’t try to reassure me. I just can’t imagine letting my children worry like that.

i am always made out to be a bad person when i try and say how i feel and I can’t take it much longer. I don’t have any conflict with any body else. To make it worse I tried to ask my elder brother for support however he said he can’t chat at the moment as he burnt out from his job. He supports adults with learning disabilities. I feel completely alone. Luckily I have my partner who I cannot fault at all but I am seriously at my wits end. I have 0 family and don’t want to cut my mum off as my kids love her but I cannot continue the way it is.

thanks xx

The thing is, she is going to continue.

She has not shown any regret so far it seems that might indicate a plan to change. She's probably not a particularly remorseful or empathetic person. She sounds like the type to prioritise her own emotions over yours or anyone else's.

I'm afraid there is no way for you to continue getting occasional childcare from her without having these kinds of negative interactions arguments, so either you accept that, or you will have to reduce contact somehow, by not asking her for childcare for one thing. I sympathise.

Thank you. I know this deep down. You summed it up perfectly how she prioritises her own emotions. I have so many examples.

I guess I just feel for my children as my eldest particularly adores her. Awkward too as I live so close by.

Yes that is awkward. If you want to keep her in your life, the only thing you can do is ask her for fewer things, and allow your eldest to enjoy a relationship with her whilst it lasts. However, given her reaction to your youngest, you will have to explain to them (if they notice), that your mum's lack of affection towards them is absolutely nothing to do with them. Don't gaslight them (like my own mum did), into accepting dysfunctional or downright unpleasant behaviour as normal.

I'm sure she had her own hardships, but it sounds like your children will enjoy a better upbringing and relationship with you. I wish you healing. 🫂

She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not changed in all the years since. She has not apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions. You are not a rehab centre nor should you be the scapegoat for all her inherent ills. It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

I would cut her off as she will and is harming your kids sibling relationship as well as them as individuals.
In time your youngest child will notice that their elder brother or sister is far more favoured.

You would not tolerate this treatment from a friend so do not tolerate it from your mother. Deal with your FoG fear obligation and guilt through having therapy.

The silent treatment she metes out is emotional abuse and for that reason too you need to make yourself and your kids far less available to het. She is not a safe enough person to be around. If she is too toxic or
difficult for you to deal with, it’s the same deal for your kids too. She will harm them in not too dissimilar ways as to how you’ve been harmed by her. If your partners family are both nice and importantly emotionally healthy then concentrate on them.

Find alternative childcare; again she is not reliable nor emotionally safe enough for you to use her for childcare. I would also consider moving at least 30 minutes away from her. You need physical as well as emotional distance.

Read Toxic Parents by Susan forward and consider posting on the current Well we took you to Stately Homes on these Relationships pages.

Her suicide threat was another example of she trying to emotionally manipulate you. She is behaving dreadfully and she’s doing all of this in order to control and otherwise keep you on the back foot. What does your brother think of her behaviour?.

Sadly, she is not going to change. She was emotionally abusive to you as a child and she still is now. Threatening suicide to your child is particularly nasty and manipulative.

I know it feels difficult to contemplate but I think you'd find more peace if you were to go no contact or very low contact. I don't think I'd want her around my children, even if your eldest adores her, she's already showing favouritism and that is really damaging to your youngest. I doubt she is able to have a healthy relationship with them as they grow up.

Have you considered moving and putting some distance between you?

thank you @AttilaTheMeerkatyou’re confirming everything I am already thinking. It’s just had to admit it to myself at times. She does struggle with her mental health but to weaponise it like this is incomprehensible. I guess my fear of cutting her off is that she will end up taking her own life. This thought is constantly in my head x

Thank you for this. The older I’ve got the more I’ve noticed she doesn’t have any strong relationships. None of her 3 siblings talk to her (they talk amongst each other), she has no friends and my brother doesn’t really speak to her either.

i would love to my away from her. My biggest mistake is moving so close to her years ago. It is definitely on the cards but won’t be any time soon due to finances xx

I’m so sorry, she sounds so difficult. I have also struggled with my mum since having kids. I really recommend going to therapy. It has helped me so much to have someone to talk to about all this, and to help me think about it in a calm and measured way.

Thank you. It’s something I really want to do. How did you go about finding a therapist? X

Have a look on the BACP website at their therapist directory. Look at who’s available in your area. Read a bit about the different modalities of therapy – there are so many; it can be confusing. I’ve always done psychoanalytic/psychodynamic therapy, which has been very helpful for me, and gave me space to talk about everything I needed to talk about (ie unlike CBT which is more structured).