Second guessing ending a 12 year relationship after his behaviour changed

[Louloud78]

Hi
Split up with my partner of 12 years in October, the house has sold and we are both buying separately, and at the moment we are still living together until the sale had completed. I have a 22 year old from a previous relationship who he has helped me bring up.

I just keep second guessing and doubting myself whether I’m doing the right thing. It’s me that’s called it a day as I couldn’t put up with his behaviour much longer.
I moved back to my parents for a bit space last summer as his behaviour just tipped me over the edge I just needed some space. I thought for a long time in social settings particularly with my family he can be rude and at times talks to me like crap, disagrees with everything I say in front of them, until last year Id brushed it under the carpet as I just couldn’t be bothered to bring it up as it would cause an argument or he would get defensive or deny any of it. It’s got to the point now where my parents will not speak to him which makes things quite difficult.
I’d just got fed up of the moods the defensiveness and at times I did not like the way he spoke to DD she began to feel he didn’t want her around which really hurt, the not helping in the house I told him I’d had enough, since then the house has sold and he has done a massive u-turn where he is pleasant to be around doesn’t speak to me like crap and is actually pulling his weight in the house. I feel so sad and so confused to the point where I’m guessing whether we’ve tried hard enough should I have communicated better when things bothered me. I’m just also frightened we try again and six months time we are back in the same situation.
I have dealt with such a lot of crap in my life I just want to be happy and I can’t remember the last time I was.

Don't go back. Best behaviour for a bit after years of disrespect is meaningless.

If you are wobbling speak to both your parents and your daughter. I imagine they will set you straight. It is confusing when suddenly someone starts being the person you wanted them to be all along, but it never lasts. Talk to your family and they will remind you why you have done the right thing. And start thinking about how brilliant your life will be in your new home where you can rebuild your confidence. Good luck.

Don’t be fooled.

You know this man - inside out and the man you are seeing now is probably one who is relieved that he is about to move on.

Sometimes two people don’t work together and that is ok. Protect your daughter from him and walk away from a situation that has caused you untold misery.

Of course it is possible that he is just being nice on purpose to fool you into thinking he is something he is not!

onwards and upwards for you!

Don't be fooled. I've lived with my ex for five months after separation. The best five months we've had in the entire relationship! Like you, I thought he may have come home to Jesus so when he asked me to get back together, I agreed. Five weeks later he ended the relationship with a text message while I was abroad leaving me homeless. Two weeks after I found out he's been dating someone else for at least a month before breaking up with me. I guess he needed plan B while he was test-driving the new girl and I was foolish enough to be it.

I'm guessing he was prince charming during the early stages of your relationship too. Don't be fooled!

Thank you everyone for your advice.
I feel so sad I don’t think I’ve felt this sad in such a long time. I’m not sure if I want to try repair the relationship try and set boundaries and go for some counselling together , I am currently having some on my own. I’ve been through a lot in the past few years and the root of the problem is from what I went through then.
I know he is really trying and he doesn’t want this anymore than what I do. I just know I’ll feel so let down if we try again and it doesn’t work. I’ve never felt so confused and disappointed all at the same time.

How do you know he is really trying ?. There is nothing to suggest that is the case . He is not trying and he will blame you for this relationship ending because that is what abusers do. In their head it’s never their fault and always someone else’s.

Joint counselling is not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Also abuse is not a relationship problem, it is about power and control.

Quite apart also from wanting to gaslight you to make you question your reality he also tried to sideline your dd. This is what abusers do ie isolate the target from their support network.

There is nothing to rescue and or save here . The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and besides which men like this can and do damage boundaries. Do enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and do not enter into another relationship until your boundaries are a lot healthier.