Strained relationship with mum

[EnAttendantGodot]

My relationship with my mum feels increasingly strained now that I have my own kids (nearly 4 and 7mo).

My childhood was a bit messy. She was a young (early 20s) single mum. No contact with my dad as he was very abusive (I looked him up online a few years back and he is still an absolute creep).

We lived with my grandparents until I was 10 and then she had a whirlwind romance with an older "divorced" man and moved us both in with him. He made a virtue of frugality, all our stuff was broken shit from Freecycle but he actually had a good salary that he saved and eventually used to buy a house outright for my stepbrother. He is not married to my mum and is in fact still legally married to his "ex". My stepbrother has had a very troubled adulthood. The whole thing is an absolute bin fire.

My mum is a lovely, involved grandma. Doesn't live local to me but comes to stay. My 3yo son adores her. She always brings /sends presents for him and will play with him for hours.

Every time she visits, I find myself getting increasingly irritated. It feels like we are putting on a nice show so that she can play happy families. She buys so much stuff (nice books, construction toys) that it means I have to be really mindful what I get DS as space is limited; if I try to talk about any parenting difficulties I have (DS is anxious, high energy, was a velcro baby who slept terribly), she goes on about how wonderful he is (and he is, but he's also really really hard work to parent). She is also unhelpfully critical of my husband's parenting (to me) and then gets anxious that she has made me annoyed with her.

I have talked to her in the past about her financial insecurity and my experiences as a teen. She is apologetic and sad. I have asked her to buy less stuff for my kids and she has taken that on board and toned it down. She is actually right about the parenting stuff - DH can get snappy and short/critical with DS about minor things when he is stressed out about other stuff and gets annoyed if DS is whiny/tantrummy. I have talked about it with him and he agrees and is actively working on it.

What am I actually supposed to do with all this? Apart from pay for (more) therapy? We don't get a do-over of her parenting me; there's no real benefit to me telling her how I feel; and I think I want my kids to have a nice relationship with her (we don't see her partner). But I just feel increasingly bitter about the lack of real emotional connection and support.

No advice. Just wanted to say it is incredibly hard to realise your own mother can’t be the person you want or need.

I get very jealous sometimes reading mumsnet and hearing how someone else’s mother was so supportive or helpful, and knowing that mine will never be that. It is hard to come to terms with.

Thanks @Bringbackbuffy , it is hard - and also it's not like my mum was a terrible parent. Things could have been so much worse.

It leaves me feeling really anxious that I will end up with the same kind of relationship with my kids when they are grown - outwardly successful, telling me everything is fine, but poor self esteem and a lack of real warmth and connection.

Just wondering if anyone has any tips for managing better?

It makes sense this is coming up now. Having your own children often brings your childhood back into the room, especially when the dynamic with your mum hasn’t really changed underneath the surface.

What you’re describing isn’t really about the presents or even your husband. It’s that when you show up as a real mum (tired, stretched, needing support), she meets you as someone she just wants things to be nice with.

So you end up feeling unseen, and that’s where the irritation and bitterness builds.

It sounds like she can be a warm, loving grandma. She may not be someone who can sit with the harder, messier emotional reality of your experience without smoothing it over.

So instead of trying to get emotional support from her (and feeling let down), you keep that for people who can meet you there, and you keep her in the lane she does well in.

At the same time, a small boundary will help with the resentment. Something like gently not engaging when she criticises your husband, or redirecting when she dismisses your struggles. Not to change her, but to stop you absorbing it, if she's doing it anyway.

Thanks @marriagecoach , I think you're right that I need to not have high expectations for emotional (or practical) support. The sad thing is my mum has told me in the past she wants us to have that kind of relationship. But there's just no foundation for it. Thankfully , I did have something of that relationship with my grandma, which I think just highlights to me how I don't have that with my mum.

I think some of the pressure to smooth everything over also comes from me. I learnt as a teen that I had to be ok with the whole bin fire situation, so my default behaviour with my mum is to make everything fine and nice. And actually that's pretty much how my mum functions best - with everything smoothed over. Not just with me but with everyone.

The thing that feels tricky is that I can really lack confidence in my parenting (and myself generally tbh). And that feels partly because of my earlier experiences meaning I have no role model / lived experience of effective parenting. And then when I look to my mum for help with that in the here and now, it's still not there. Maybe I'll just watch Dr Siggie instead. (Not even sarcasm - she has a very calm, containing manner!)