In your experience when you fancy someone do you usually find it’s mutual or not?

[Iatethelastbiscuit]

There’s a guy at work, we’ve both worked there for ages but up until now, we only knew each other to say hello to as we worked in different departments at a large company. I’ve always thought he was really attractive though. Anyway, he’s recently moved to my department and we now share a workspace of about 6 people (which I’m thrilled about 🤣) I’ve started to really fancy him and I’m sure I feel an attraction between us that I THINK is mutual, but I also know that when you fancy someone you read into every last thing they do and tell yourself it must be because they fancy you, so I’m being cautious. He goes out of his way to talk to me, asks me questions about my life etc and he doesn’t seem to do that with other colleagues. He also dropped into conversation that he’s recently divorced which seemed a bit overly personal considering we don’t know each other well at all. And yes if I was ever to date him I’d make sure he really was divorced and not looking for an affair. The way he spoke about it seemed genuine though. So I’m wondering, in your life experience, when you’ve felt that energy with someone has it usually been mutual or has it usually been one-sided? I was married for 15 years and he was the first person I ever dated (been separated a year) so I have zero experience of dating or flirting! And how on earth do I go about finding out if it is mutual? His new role in my department is a big step up for him and I very much doubt he’d risk jeopardising it by asking me out so I doubt that’s going to happen

I don't think you ever know until someone asks or makes a move. That's the tricky bit.
I'd definitely not think about it with his new role and having mentioned he is just divorced, it's not worth the risk right now so tread carefully.

I'd say I think there is mutual attraction many more times than there actually is in my case.
Whether that's been at work or socially I've had people I've felt close to, they seem to only talk to me about things, go out of their way to ask stuff, flirty laughing etc, and then it turns out they are happily coupled up.
I think it's because I'm nice, easy to talk to and quite a "safe space" for people so they migrate to me in ways they might not to others. But sadly it's not because they fancy me.

An interesting question, I’d suggest got out for coffee or something and see how it develops. It maybe that you are easy to talk to based on what you’ve said here.

My experience is skewed. When I was young, teenage and young adult, completely different wavelength of who I fancied vs who fancied me. I had a specific type and was a tomboy. Silver lining being I was single most of my youth! I am married twice to my types and hit it off with each of them from the get go. Between the two marriages I had a short window when I dated only my types (2) and the feelings were mutual and no one had to ask. This is why I think you should perhaps meet outside work and see if that elicits clearer messages.

Thank you for your responses but there’s no way I’d be brave enough to ask him out for a coffee, considering we work together. If I’ve got this all wrong and he turns me down it would be excruciating to have to sit two seats away from him all day 5 days a week 😬

in that case, you will probably discover one day that he has found someone else.

If he’s a nice guy, he won’t hold it against you if you suggest having a coffee together.

Get coffee as colleagues not a date, that is quite normal in a work place. Especially as he’s newly transferred to your department. You can ask him how he’s getting on with his new job and I’m sure you have some work info he’ll be interested to know. During coffee get in a few personal topics.

Also he may not feel comfortable asking you out anyway as you’re only separated? Maybe start with building a friendship.

I go on energy. If it feels right then I always ask them out.

Sadly IME not always mutual, no.

I can also think of times I’ve got on well with male colleagues and had more than an inkling they fancied me but I didn’t fancy them back, which is cleaner evidence than the other way round. (Which I also have experience of!)

However in your shoes if you keep it casual and light and the sooner you ask him for say a coffee the less awkward it will be if it turns out he’s just friendly - once you go too far down the friends route it’s definitely tricker!

Dont be embarrassed to fancy someone and let them know you’re interested I’ve never felt any badness to anyone I’ve gently turned down and friendships/ work relationships survived!

Sadly no, as I fancy almost everybody. I have a long history of crushes on people who are and remain completely oblivious. Hence why I’ve always found partners on OLD. If I were you I would just e finer things to spend as much time in his ambit as possible.

@PermanentTemporary I do think the OP is talking about more than crushes - the situations where there’s definitely a connection but the line isn’t clear between friendship/ attraction.

Sadly Alexander Skarsgaard has never had the pleasure of my company despite my massive old crush.

Yes usually mutual. Men are socially lazy and selfish and don’t ask questions or make an effort to chat to you unless they’re romantically interested in my experience.

I think if it's that chap's dreamy to look at from a distance, probably not, but if you're at the feeling a connection stage maybe.

However, what I have learned the hard way is that whilst it should be perfectly reasonable and sensible for a woman to make the first move, most men really don't like that and if they are interested, they "know" it's their job to do something about it. If they haven't it's because they don't want to.

If you're in a small team of 6, I reckon it'll be really awkward if you try to turn this into something.

Yes, when I was younger I was quite attractive so if I fancied someone they usually fancied me back. My last crush was a guy I worked with, we've been married for nearly 10 years... 😉

In nearly every case a guy who fancies me is never someone I would fancy back. It's just shit luck.

I think you can feel a mutual connection. Does he seek out your eyes? Do you ever catch him looking at you across a room or in a crowd and then he looks away quickly? When you talk, is it just the two of you no matter what is going on around you? Does he constantly angle his body directly towards you?

most men really don't like that

In my experience, the “first move” is usually actually the last move in a series of increasingly obvious signalling interest to one another.

A “first move” doesn’t come out of nowhere. Decent men want to know their “first move” won’t be unwelcome, so you actually need to have made the 0.99th of a move by the time they make the “1st”.