Blended family disaster

[Cilla1971]

Moved in with my partner about a year ago. I have two teenage daughters, 18 and 15, still in high school. He has 18 yo daughter, living with us 75% of time, 20 yo trans son in college, and 23 yo stepdaughter living with her boyfriend. Our family isn't meshing. My kids mostly spend time in their rooms or out and about, rarely joining us for meals unless I insist, and even then my youngest will not join. My partner lavishes his daughter with literally anything she wants--a trip to France, a new $1500 camera one year after he bought her another $1500 camera, clothes, will run out and pick up meals if she doesn't like what I'm cooking, will drop everything to drive her anywhere she wishes to go at the last minute. At the same time, she claims she can't stand him and is constantly complaining to him. I am losing respect for him by the minute. I also feel that any time my kids are in the kitchen with me, he tends to talk right over them and domineer, interrupting what little time I have with them. With me he is overly solicitous and talks constantly about how beautiful and sexy I am, but I am 54 years old and post-menopausal, so come on. He is quite wealthy and has been supporting me while I got back to school for a second master's degree, and I quit a decent-paying job I hated a couple years back because I thought I would easily find another one as I always have, but I guess times have changed and being 54 doesn't help my chances of finding work. I work part-time as a low-paid cashier while I go to school, with about another 18 months left before I can earn real money with that degree. Both of our 18 yo daughters go to college in the fall, so maybe the tension will abate, but I'm beginning to worry about the future, and whether every upcoming holiday for the rest of my days will be fraught, as they seem to be now. I feel stuck. But I feel like I made a huge mistake in moving in with him. I was a bit desperate for housing since my apartment was being sold. My ex-husband is moving out of state, or I'd almost move back in with him, just to have affordable housing. I might just stay here until youngest daughter leaves for college, then try to find my own space. But I worry I am doing real harm to my relationship with my kids. We are engaged, supposedly, but now I am not sure I wanted to go through with it.

What a shit show
Entirely of your own making
and how your kids suffer

This. Wtf would you put your dc through this. When they look back, what do you think they'll say about this time?

So many selfish adults pretending blending family's work.

How would you feel if your dc got to pick random people you had to live with?

@Cilla1971

I wouldn't beat yourself up, OP. I don't think the issue is you or your partner, but rather the age of your kids as you embarked on a blended family.

I think to a large extent the behaviour you see from your kids is more due to them being teenagers than anything. Many of my friends, are dealing with the same - and they are not in blended families. Teens being rude, not joining family, staying in their rooms, etc. Seems to the what a lot of them are doing - maybe due to their age, maybe due to stresses of being teens, etc.

In addition - I think blending families when kids are 18 - is not going to work in most cases. Those kids are half way out of the door - they are looking forward to starting their own lives, and forming a bond with another 18yo - who happens to be in their house for their last year at home is, frankly, not their priority.

When I got divorced my kids were young teens. Their father's partner kids were the same age. For the first few years - kids didn't have much to do with each other - they also stayed in their rooms and didn't interact much. Eventually - with more time passing, and getting to know each other better - they get along OK.
Things take time.

Your kids are older - and don't have that time to establish a relationship. So - in your place, I'd not blame yourself or your partner, and just organise your life such that the next few years work.

Separately - and with respect - how he deals with his daughter (and especially how he chooses to spend his own money) - is not really your business. And I do not think you have a right to judge what presents he is giving his daughter.
And especially, it's hypocritical, given that he supports you, which gives you a chance to re-train, etc.

He sounds like a decent man, and loving as well. Not sure why you need to doubt that you look good, when he tells you. Just because you are post-menopausal - does not mean you are an ogre... But you seem to be set on feeding your resentment of him. Why?

Thanks for the kind response. I think maybe I am subconsciously blaming him for my poor relationship with my kids, wondering if partnering with him drove a wedge between us. But it's comforting (of a sort) to hear you say you know of many teens with this behavior, and maybe it isn't something I necessarily need to worry about or a sign that we'll never have a good relationship in the future.

I am also somewhat paranoid because my own stepfather was a creep to me growing up and my mom turned a blind eye. I think I am being hypervigilant, though of course I was careful to vet this before we moved in (we dated for four years prior).

You are correct, you did make a huge mistake moving in with him. You chose to live with a man who could support you whilst you gave up a job you disliked and returned to studying. Now the blended family idea isn't working and no one sounds happy. I think l would be looking at finding another job and moving out ASAP as you do not sound compatible.

You're doing a second masters in the States? How are you covering your tuition? If it is private loans, then I think your future finances are a little precarious! Is there any way you could pause your masters and get back to full time work are are you locked in? Is it community college or a big state college?

It sounds a bit like you primarily moved in with him out of convenience/desperation. How much did you discuss this plan with the kids beforehand? We're they fully on board with it? However, the adult children, 18 and above are adults now, they can do whatever they like. So they either need to positively accept the living arrangements with you (which means adulting and getting along) or they move out and live elsewhere. So that just leaves your youngest, who's needs and feelings you do need to fully accommodate. I don't think it's fair to criticise him for spoiling his daughter, whilst he's also supporting you financially, that seems a bit hypocritical.

But it sounds like the problem is more than just the 'children' not getting along, you're also not feeling it for your partner anymore either. I'm not sure there's anything worth saving here, except for the financial support that he's bringing you, which isn't really a good reason to stay together.

OP - my kids of 16 and 18 are occasionally terrible to me and I also wonder if they hate me, or if I am, in fact, a terrible parent.

And their increased need to be on their own, rather than spend time with me, and actively rejecting my attempts for doing things together - hurt.
I wonder if divorce played a role. Or if their father is turning them against me. Etc.
It’s hard to take, at times.

But then - in some rare glimpses of their older personalities - things come out. Upcoming test, or exams; or friendship issue.
And/or - i remember that they are teens, and their emotions and hormones also play up.
And I realise that moodiness is less about me, and more about their own pressures.

By all means - do ask them separately, when time is right and they are not stressed - if anything about your partner bothers them - do they know about your experience with your step-father? It could be a good way to start a conversation - you sharing as an opening.
Having a conversation and keeping communications open is always a good thing.

But my guess is that it’s not you or him. I think many mothers going through difficult time with their daughters in late teens.
We are the closest to them when they are small. And they need to separate and become their own person.
And it hurts us because it feels like sudden rejection and hatred…

If it helps - some friends with older daughters say - they are like comets. They come back in their 20s.

So I am holding on to that