Frequent arguments and shouting with a baby, how can we communicate better?

[Jessibell34]

This is a hard post to write.
I don't usually seek help or advice for my relationship. Infact I struggle to ask for help for most things. But I am just feeling really down ATM.
My husband and I have big arguments. They're not usually regular, but seem to be becoming more regular and increasingly heated. This also being in front of our 11 month old baby. I try to keep calm but when I'm angry or frustrated, I cry. So whilst I can keep voice level, my eyes are pouring with tears which can't be good for our baby to see. My husband on the other hand will yell at me, and does not even attempt to calm his voice. I have asked him on several occasions not to shout me but he does.
He says that he doesn't feel like I'm his wife anymore as we don't have much physical intimacy. This is what makes him angry. I admit, I'm not as interested in this. I always kiss goodbye / goodnight and/or hug. The other stuff has become increasingly more difficult as our baby is still in our bedroom and not the best sleeper (so I have limited time in the evenings before I need to go to bed myself and my husband also does nights through the week). It was too uncomfortable during pregnancy and before then we had obviously been trying to get pregnant but it was often a means to an end, especially after two miscarriages (both in the first trimester and around 6 months between each pregnancy).
For context: We'd always talked about having kids but I also wanted to get my career on track and travel places before we did. He said he understood this but didn't want to be an older dad. Fast forward 15 years (we met when I was 17) and here we are, with a baby and having horrible arguments.
Our main argument seems to be over miscommunication. One person has said something and the other has misinterpreted or misheard it. We both know this is the issue and agreed it is an issue, yet it still keeps coming down to 'who's wrong' for my husband. We just keep going around in circles and the wound just seems to be festering.
My example of today is as follows: my husband came into my office and asked if his dad can take our baby out for the day when he comes to visit, I said hmm? for him to repeat as I'm working from home and writing a report. He says 'my dad?' I nodded and said yes but realised I hadn't heard him properly and said 'wait, what?' before he left the room. He said 'I repeated it twice' and I said 'you'd said it once' (believing the above to be a true reflection of the conversation). He got angry and said I was saying that I always think he is in the wrong and left. I still didn't know for definite what he'd said. I tried again on my lunch break. I said what I thought he said and explained why I asked again (as his dad is estranged and I thought he meant all of us go out for the day but he might have meant on his own) but it just turned into another argument right in front of our baby again. Apparently he'd already messaged his dad to say yes despite knowing at the end of the earlier conversation that I hadn't heard properly.
Perhaps I'm remembering the details incorrectly but I've always had a good memory. I admitted I shouldn't have agreed if I hadn't heard but I'd also asked him to repeat himself and he didn't.
Does anyone have any tips or advice or even your own stories on how to get over this miscommunication? We don't really have the time or money for therapy unless that's the only option. I know a big ask but I'd welcome anything

The frequencies are going to break your child. It is like the "Water Experiment" done by Dr Masaru Emoto. He took 2 normal glasses of water, said mean things to one and said loving things to another. He then froze them, The next day the hateful water was cracked and came out of the cup. The loving water remained calm. If you would like to chat more about it, I am available.

Well thats the most utterly batshit first reply I've seen on a thread for a while!

OP, it doesn't sound like there's much you can do in order to communicate better. He's the one that's incapable of having a disagreement without yelling at you. It's not surprising you end up crying.

You mention you were 17 when you got together, out of interest, how old was he?

I don’t think this is healthy. He’s not mature enough for this relationship or possibly this is abuse. I’m bias due to my history but feel like suggesting you record conversations and listen back to how you speak to each other.

I had an ex like this once I genuinely thought it was some communication problem. Possibly my fault because he always twisted it back to that. Can’t remember what it was now but he denied saying something I was sure he had or definitely didn’t say something he then claimed he did. I remember I was anxiously trying to save the marriage and focus on my communication and was sure he was not right with his version of events. And his anger reaction to my calm thoughtful attempt at non provocative communication opened my eyes. I started voice memo recording on my phone whenever I heard him coming up the stairs/I was about to enter the room etc. then just deleted ones we didn’t talk in. Only took me a couple weeks listening back and asking someone else to listen to how he speaks to me to see it was abusive. I still tried to fix it even then and he got physically violent in the end before I left.

you op doesn’t read like a relationship problem it reads as a nasty man. Good men don’t shout at a crying partner in front of their baby

ok some practical strategies. Arrange regular meetings. Literally 3-4 times a week for half an hour and set an agenda - childcare, relatives, cooking, sex anything. Then deal with stuff in those times only. That might help take some of the heat and exhaustion out of this.

It sounds like there is a lot going on.

You were 17 when you got together - is he much older? Have you had other relationships or is he your only partner ever? Has he had other relationships aside from you?

Lack of sex making him angry is a concern - this is potentially a form of sexual abuse if he feels entitled to sex. It's reasonable for differing sex drives to be a topic of discussion in any long term relationship, but anger is always concerning, IMO, mainly because it suggests that he sees sex as something that you owe him, rather than something you enjoy doing together.

What's going on with his estrangement with his dad? Is he a volatile sort of person who has big fall outs with people in general? Or is it more that his dad has never been around but now suddenly is, is he feeling vulnerable with that?

And YY would echo a previous poster saying that they thought they had a communication problem until they realised they were in a verbally abusive relationship. If you're having so many communication issues, you're doing your best to stay level-headed, see his perspective and be clear, but it doesn't seem to make sense and especially if you generally don't have communication issues with other people, maybe ask yourself if the problem is really mutual or whether it's an issue you have with just him.

What does that even mean?

From what the OP has said we are right to “see wrong in the guy”.

Hi all
Thank you for the comments / advice.
He is the same age as me but has been my only real relationship.
I don't feel like he's abusive but I appreciate what you are saying. I do feel like he has anger issues and it is a lot from his childhood (the estranged dad moved away when he was young). But it needs addressing if we are to carry on. It isn't just him though, I know I have my faults too.
I'll suggest we plan to have conversations a couple of times a week, even if it's just to check in with each other.
@Burntt so sorry to hear about your situation. I hope it's not the same thing. I have suggested recording conversations before but haven't followed through so I'll give it a go.

There are a couple of very strange posters on your thread @Jessibell34

It is not acceptable for your husband to shout at you ever. In the situation you mentioned, you told him you didn't hear him (because you were concentrating on work), but he thinks you should have heard him, so he went with that instead.

All his anger at his dad and his discomfort at the situation has been unfairly redirected at you for not behaving exactly as he had planned you to. His inability to recognise and manage big emotions make him a danger to you and your shared child.

You haven't mentioned any detail about the 'intimacy' problem, but I suspect he is sexually coercive, if not worse. Why would you want to have sex with someone that shouts at you and thinks you exist only in relation to himself.

What does he think is in the relationship for you? Does he think he can treat you like shit and then be nice 5 minutes before he expects sex and that is totally reasonable?

The relationship is not going anywhere unless he can start to see you as a human with your own wants, needs and pressures. At the moment it seems his entitlement is off the scale, entitlement to 100% attention when you are working, entitlement to sex, regardless of his behaviour towards you.

There are some very serious behaviours that I think are cause to end the relationship.

I don't tolerate anyone yelling at me in a relationship. But if I did... I'd focus less on who said what (because it escalated the situation) and instead try de-escalation first, then a discussion when things are calmer. Essentially, I treat every angry person as a mental health patient and use de-escalation techniques we use at work following LEAP framework.
Listen - actively listen and paraphrase what the person is saying back at them to show understanding (i.e. I hear that you are upset because you feel like I haven't listened to you earlier and asked you to repeat something twice)
Empathise - empathise with emotions without validating them (i.e. I can see how it must be very frustrating for you to not feel heard)
Agree/apologise - find some common ground (i.e. I agree that our communication lately is a problem. I am sorry for my part in this)
Partner - agree a solution (i.e. let's sit down this afternoon and discuss your dad's outing with the baby next week)

Rinse and repeat for every disagreement BEFORE it escalates to shouting.

Hi OP. It makes sense that this keeps looping, what you’re describing is a really common miscommunication pattern, not a “who’s right/wrong” problem.

What’s happening underneath is,
you’re both hearing words, but filtering them through completely different internal states.

You’re in “split attention” (working, baby in the background, already stretched), so your brain is trying to process quickly and fill in gaps. That’s why you said yes before fully hearing, not carelessness, just cognitive overload.

He, on the other hand, is likely already carrying a sensitivity around feeling rejected or not prioritised (especially with the intimacy piece). So when you say “what?” or correct him, his brain doesn’t hear “I didn’t catch that”, it hears “you’re wrong / not being listened to / not important.”
So the argument isn’t really about what was actually said.

It becomes:
You: “I didn’t hear you properly”
Him: “You’re always saying I’m wrong”

Two completely different conversations happening at the same time.

So because neither of you feels understood, you both push harder, you explain, he defends, and it escalates.

Something as simple as: “Wait, I think I misunderstood, do you mind repeating that,” could interrupt the pattern before it turns into a blame cycle and get you back on track to what you were actually trying to discuss.

This seems to really hit the nail on the head. The tip is really helpful, thank you

You're welcome, hope it helps!