Has anyone successfully saved a failing marriage with counselling

[ForAquaPanda]

My marriage is bad. We argue all the time. We tried to go for a drink the other day to talk about things but argued about which way to walk, argued on the walk and I ended up walking off before we made it.to the pub. He says I overreact but I dont appreciate being shouted at. I used to fight back but a while ago I decided that once I reached a certain stress level with things I would just walk away which is what I did.

Its always the same. We cant communicate. I feel like he never listens he just shouts. I am sure he has issues with me too. I have suggested counselling but he wont go. Im thinking of broaching it again as a last try but I wonder if there is any point. We have been like this for years and getting worse and worse. There's no affection or romance at all. Its horrible and im desperately unhappy and so is he. We both admit that but we've tried ourselves to solve it.and we just cant.

The context is that we have been married for 18 years have 3 kids. Oldest is 15. Both have reasonable salaries but a big mortgage and would struggle alone. Neither of us would be able to afford to keep the house and neither of us want to live separately to our kids. No abuse or affairs thankfully so I feel like there should be something worth fighting for but i dont feel worried about being alone other than missing my children. We cant remain in the same room.together anymore. It feels like too much got a counsellor to be able to solve.

So any success stories or advice would be much appreciated. Equally has anyone managed an amicable divorce in similar circumstances? I have a couple.of divorced friends and it seems tough to choose that.

In terms.of arguing in front of the kids I do try not to and thats one of the reasons I tend to walk away. But obviously we aren't affectionate with each other and we dont spend time together like some couples do. So the kids must know we aren't the happiest. They're old enough.

I should add that my parents are divorced and i know ots tough growing up with divorced parents I really didnt want that for my children.

Hey, I'm sorry I have no good advice because I'm in a similar situation. Together for 17 years. One child who is 5. Also both desperately unhappy. We also couldn't afford the huge London mortgage alone. I really can't see a way forward like this but equally can't figure out how we could make things work financially. The thought of having to rent a shitty 1 bedroom apartment alone and seeing my child far less breaks my heart. Child would need to stay with dad every night because my job doesn't allow me to do drop offs in the morning. I've also had my hand forced at work to go back to full time hours which mean I also can't do school pick up either. So I feel like I'd barely see them at all if not even in same house for bedtime/breakfast etc. Solidarity because it is so hard and also just really unfair to be in this situation when others seem to be far happier. Happy to chat if you'd like to.

Yes we managed to save our marriage with some therapy,podcasts books all sorts. We really didn't want to get divorced. It was more my husband that has issues he had to address.

Unfortunately I don't see how it can be saved if one of you isn't willing and trying. If your husband doesn't see the point in therapy or won't try then I don't think it's possible. How does he see the path forward?

Yes we did. Our marriage was not in a good way. We did nothing but argue. I had an affair.

Our marriage is honestly unrecognisable now.

One thing that I think really helped was both of us accepting that we were done and how we could make separation work for our children. Once we dealt with divorce and it stopped being scary, that seemed to somehow help.

My sister did. Both of them acknowledged fault, but she always blamed him. Now they appear very united, having been married for 40 years. He deserves a medal.

you say no abuse but if he constantly shouts at you that is abuse. Of course you walk off, that’s a normal reaction to being shouted off. I don’t see why you need therapy for that.

Sorry to hear this. If you do split up please dont let your child stay with him every night you will regret that! I feel like there must be a way other people manage it but i totally feel the same. We an afford i e mortgage between us how would we ever afford two?

One thing I would say though is that at least you are employed and working. This is a good thing and wrap around care is available so you can get your chikd to school if a single mum. It is possible. Try not to see work as a bad thing.

I dont know if it is. I shout too. I retaliate and I lose my temper sometimes too. We have some big stressors with our kids who are ND and one of them is not in school and we are struggling. Its just he shouts a lot and at all of us. But he's so stressed and I cause stress for him too and when I was part time and kids were little I was happy to take the majority of the burden but now I work long hours and he's had to take on more and its a lot with 3 kids who are quite high maintenance and full time work and financial worries. It is a lot. I think its too simple to says its abuse he just so stressed.

I've asked him again to consider counselling. I can only communicate by text to avoid an argument. I think he will not reply ir if he does he will say it wont help.