Stuck in a rut

[floralchoices]

I’m coming up to 60 and have never felt so miserable. On paper, nice house, family and lifestyle but I’m so fed up. I’m suffering a bit with empty nest as my kids move up and away and I’m realising it will soon be just me and DH. Also retirement is on the horizon and it scares me- I feel I will have no purpose in life. Even though I don’t really love my job.

Also I am not coping well with ageing. I hate the wrinkles and the inevitable creep of time. I feel old, unattractive and invisible.

Finally- my relationship with DH is in the doldrums. I met him at 20, though we didn’t marry until mid 30s. I feel like I missed out on exploring relationships and basically playing the field. He’s a decent man but I feel no passion now. Our sex life is barely existent. i don’t want to go to my grave having not experienced good sex again!

I know people will tell me to leave but I am terrified of starting again. And who would want a 60 yr old? I’d be even more alone than I feel now.

How can I find some peace with this situation? Honestly I would have an affair if the situation ever presented itself (it won’t). I know that’s unethical but I just need to feel something again,

I wake up in the morning and just feel something again negative that this is my life and I can’t see it getting better.

Any advice? Be kind if you can. It’s taken me a while to finally admit this stuff to myself.

Sending love 💐

Have you tried to improve sex with your DH?

Separately, what do you care about/love, what are you good at?

Thanks for reply. Not sure what I’m good at. I’m a good parent I think. I’m friendly. I care about being fit and healthy. I enjoy running.

I went so long refusing sex that my attempts now to start off a healthy sex live again have made DH resentful. He says I am always ‘setting the agenda’. No idea where that leaves us. I thought he’d be happy that I was wanting to take an interest again,

So how does your interest in fitness and running provide you with information on your purpose?

Would it be different if you weren't married?

Is there the need/possibility of a deeper conversation with DH?

The running is just something I enjoy. I don’t think it gives me purpose really.

Yes I do need a deeper conversation with him. I’ve skirted around the edges. He’s not very receptive. I need to say I’m not happy and some things need to change. I think.

You have my sympathy but - listen to yourself. You would have an affair if the situation presented itself. That’s not someone I would want to stay in a relationship with. Would you? Time to leave.

So difficult, I think if you left him you'd be able to find men who wanted to have sex with you but it might not be good sex and there might not be another passionate relationship.

I do think you need to clear the air over sex with your partner, maybe plan some new adventures together and on your own to get some zest for life back. If you go down that road and are met with indifference and resentment then perhaps you do need to separate.

Why were you refusing sex for so long earlier in the relationship? Asked without judgement, i’m just interested as I feel like I might be the younger you…. I often wonder if my marriage will only last as long as we have DC living at home

Any particular reason you went so long “refusing sex”?
Because if my DH refused sex for a very prolonged period, with no discussion, then attempted to restart it? I’d think he was trying to “set the agenda” too?
And for gods sake, no, don’t have an affair. That helps no one, ever. If you want to leave, do it. No need to be deceitful and cruel about it.

Do you love DH and see a future in retirement with him (if you can resolve the sex issue)

It is a hard one.. it could be just a phase you are going through as kids leaving the nest often shakes things up. In relation to sex, you need to express yourself to your partner and explain how you feel. Perhaps it will be the start of something, go see a sexologist. Things will not change until you have that conversation . Men are utterly rubbish at reading between the lines. In terms of feeling old, wrinkled.. gave a facelift if you can afford it. You’ve got to take action to change you currently feel. BTW: perhaps see the GP and explain how you feel.. i sense some sort of depression. Good luck! You will be fine!

Thanks everyone. Food for thought. I feel slightly better just getting some of this off my chest.

No idea. Kids, some health problems too. Low libido. Since menopause and HRT my libido has come back.

I'm not sure it's very fair to reject him for a very long time and then blame 'lack of passion' just because he doesn't jump as soon as you click your fingers.

No I agree tbh.

I was expecting you to say you’d gone off sex with him because he was lazy or unkind. But you haven’t said that.
You had low libido, turned him down for years and now you are wondering why your sex life is non existent and are actually considering an affair? And that seems….reasonable to you?

Where did I say it was reasonable? It’s messy and complicated and no I don’t feel good about any if this.

Can you approach him with compassion and explain that your libido has returned and you understand why he has shut down this desire but that you would like to try to rekindle things?

Or is that not actually the case, with him?

Personally, I think you’d be mad to leave a loving relationship with a good man, at this stage, due to an issue that, with respect, you seem to have played the biggest hand in.

I think it’s up to you now to take the lead to fix this, less of this bullshit about having an affair. Your husband is very likely to be feeling hurt and confused, what does mending this look like for you?

I am younger than you but I am already struggling with the feelings around ageing, I have taken multiple different actions to ward it off, never quite being happy about it. Do you think this whole ‘affair’ thing isn’t actually about sex and more about wanting to feel seen and desired by someone new because of your self esteem around this?

Thanks for your replies everyone. Each one has made me think.

Also try new stuff in your life and shake everything up a little. Make it a regular quest to do different things. However, talk to your husband and say you want to do this ahead of retirement and bring your own suggestions and ask him for suggestions. Don't necessarily expect him to be on the same page. It is enough to shake up your own life first.

The new things can be as little as trying something new to eat or going via a route you wouldn't normally. It could be getting some bikes and getting out together on them. Reading a different genre. Anything you don't normally do whether together or not.

You have had lots of good advice on here OP but l just want to say l feel for you and understand. I'm older than than you and the ageing aspect is hard to accept isn't it? It's life though so all we can do is look after ourselves as best we can, use good skin products, treatments, sunscreen etc to help us feel better! Changing things up for yourself might help too, a new interest or hobby maybe?.
Re your husband do explain the reason for your past disinterest in sex and how hrt has has rejuvenated your libido. Hopefully he will understand. If not and he remains indifferent and unwilling to change things then you may have to consider separation for your own well being.