How do you process a marriage ending suddenly after a police matter?

[Annapops1]

My marriage has literally ended overnight and I just cannot come to terms with what has happened. One minute we are just bumbling along after 20 years together and the day after I find out about the biggest betrayal anyone could ever want to put you through. I can't go into specifics as it is police matter but he's literally blown up his life, never mind how I am left trying to work out why I never suspected a thing.
He's subject of police bail and he isn't allowed to contact me, I'll never be able to "have it out with him" and my head cannot cope. I have been physically sick since it happened, I've had to tell family and friends and tomorrow I'll need to speak to work.
How does anyone get over something like this?

That is an awful situation. Sending hugs from MN to you. Hopefully in RL you have someone to be with you. Whatever the situation it is not your fault. Have you someone who is not involved to help?

Sorry this has happened. Remember the shame is on him.

Time. You are in shock.

Do you have access to a counselling through any work schemes? Sometimes you can phone and speak to someone. Remember Mumsnet and the Samaritans are here 24/7 - you are never alone ❤️

A guy at work had similar with a relative of his (the wife was the relative). Police matter etc The man committed suicide so the poor wife got zero closure on it all. She had no clue.
She had a lot of therapy and support from friends and family who rallied round. She took a long time off work as I understand as she was in bits over it all. Seemed like her work were very understanding. But it seemed to be a long slow process for recovery.
I'm sorry OP. I think all I can say is access all the support that you can, especially professional support (counsellors etc).

I'm sorry @Annapops1 , this is a horrible shock for you, after all these years you think you know someone and then they've done something which blows your world apart. I have a horrible feeling it involves sex offenses, too many men have a secret sexual life that only they know about. Either way this is NOT YOUR FAULT and I'm so sorry you're so shocked and unhappy

Obviously I don't know the specifics but it sounds like you're reeling from a big shock. Do you have a trusted friend or family member you can talk to? I would also recommend visiting your GP and asking for a referral for counselling, or does your work have a counselling service you could access? Most of all, give yourself time. Don't try and think too far ahead, concentrate on getting through one day at a time. Try and eat a little, even if you don't feel like it. Rest as much as you can and also get outside for a walk in the fresh air, even if just for 10 minutes. Be kind to yourself. You will get through this 💐

@Annapops1my now exH tried to burn our house down when I tried to leave him. He was remanded in custody and eventually sentenced to 18 months. Ive never had a conversation with him since, subject to a 15 year no contact injunction. The arson was considered DV.
I do struggle a bit not knowing what was going through his head and how he is now. I know he still lives in the family home (the one he tried to burn down), doesn't work and still drinks heavily. He doesn't know where i live.

I’ve changed my username to post this.

This exact thing happened to me. I never got closure and never will. I have however had lots of counselling and amazingly supportive friends and family who helped me through the early days, the incredibly tough times which followed and through to now.

For now, in the first few days/weeks, I would recommend taking time off work if you can. All sorts of things which you hadn’t even considered will crop up (both practical and emotional) and you will need to deal with them as best you can. Take any and all of the help which is offered by friends, family and charity - even if you don’t think you need it initially, believe me when I say you really will. Take one day at a time and deal with things as they arise.

There are undoubtedly many tough days/weeks/months and possibly years ahead but you will come out much stronger and happier.

I don’t want to say too much more on here but feel free to send me a message if you would like to talk.

Sending you a hug 🫂

I’m so sorry OP - to be honest at 64 nothing suprises me these days when it comes to other people, - all I will say is try and eat even if it’s not much or not that healthy and keep hydrated - do try and confide in Real life with a couple of people you trust totally - if you cannot do that try and find a good counsellor for a few sessions , even if it’s just to mainly offload - I had to do this once and it was incredibly helpful - there wasn’t a solution but I wanted to just offload to someone who didn’t know me or the other person concerned. Going over it out loud rather than over and over in my head did help me

I’m reading between the lines here and I apologise if my assumption is wrong, but if it involves sexual offences against children, there is support out there for families.

I’d contact Stop It Now. They have a helpline if you want to actually speak to someone, but also online support. They will be able to point you in the direction of some support for you.

https://www.stopitnow.org.uk

If this is a sexual offense Minwallas work may help. He writes about Secret Sexual Basements. It’s far too common. He has a fair bit of material out there but it doesn’t seem to be very well known. It covers any hidden sexual acts (so infidelity too).

Here is a link, for you if relevant, or for maybe another reading this thread.

https://minwallamodel.com/article/ten-steps-to-building-a-secret-sexual-basement/

www.btr.org/secret-sexual-basement/

https://www.tellmehowyouremighty.com/14-an-interview-with-dr-omar-minwalla-the-secret-sexual-basement/

More by Minwalla. This is a longer interview with him.

The first step is realising-
a) its okay that you didn’t realise. In fact its normal, you trusted him and that’s normal.
b) You didn’t cause it. He chose to do something and he hid it KNOWING it was unacceptable.

Write down your values.

Write down everything you enjoy doing. Big things and small things. List them all however daft or irrelevant you feel they are. Camomile tea. The beach. Walking my friends dog. Drawing. Playing the flute. The library. Making scones. Salted butter. Jelly - red with cream. Laying looking at stars. Etc.

Every evening write down three things you enjoyed. Be specific ‘I enjoyed tea with Mary, I love the cup she used and she had my favourite type of tea. We sat near the window and it was warm and calm outside’.

Write down one thing that someone did for you or something that surprised you. (This should help you look for positive things).

Write down something that showed your values.

Do this every day.

Review your values at the end of the month and add/alter.

If you are unsure live by your values alone. Make a choice based on your values.

If you are sad read your notes.

Choose something from your ‘things I like list’ each day and each week to look after yourself.

Look after yourself.

I'm very sorry to hear this OP. A friend of my parents experienced this, I think it is probably more common than we realise.

I've had a couple of traumatic experiences in my life and when I am overwhelmed and don't know what to do I do what I know to do - drink a glass of water, go for a short walk, fold some laundry, anything. I feel it sounds very trite written down but I hope it helps you a bit in the "stuck" moments.

I am so sorry. I agree with the poster who said time is your only healer

There was an article in The Guardian on this subject and they recommended the Lucy Faithfull foundation as a useful organisation

https://www.lucyfaithfull.org.uk/

Thank you for all of your replies. Just to confirm it didn't involve children thank goodness. I am the victim and it was for sexual gratification. AI has a lot to answer for 😔😔

Did you post in the last week op? I really am sorry this had happened to you. I went through similar with my 18yo son and his sadly was illegal images related to children. It destroyed our lives. And just as we were rebuilding he was sentenced and it got the papers/sm and it was like being retraumatised all over again. When I initially heard I had a very visceral physical reaction too and ended up holding my phone in my hand while I was throwing up and apologising to the officer between dry heaves. He said it was a very common reaction. I know that doesn’t help you, but you aren’t alone. It’s a horrible shitty club that none of us want to be part of.

I’m so sorry @Annapops1
what a huge shock everything must be. When I had a big lifechanging shock I felt like I was in s washing machine. Normal pauses, brief moments of normality & then woosh I was being tossed around uncontrollably. It was awful.

please take care of yourself.

@Annapops1 ‘The secret sexual basement’ is still very relevant. It’s worth reading to realise it’s a him problem and was NEVER a you problem.

Sorry op - hope you are okay