How can I cope with feeling excluded and struggling to make friends?

[CwtchConnectors]

Hello, hoping to get some advice please! I moved 500 miles from my family/friends years ago and have never felt so lonely.
I have 2 kids, ages 2 and 5, a lovely husband and a job where I work Monday to Friday.
I have tried so hard to make friends but no one seems to stick. I’m often the one to reach out first and if I stop reaching out then no other plans get made.

I’ve made plans with people before for play dates etc and they either cancel last minute or I’ve even had people not show up! It’s taking a toll on me and my family.

My husbands family including his sister also has young kids and I’ve tried to build a connection with her but she’s just not interested.
I was talking to some mum friends through my kids childminders however 2 of them trauma dumped on me and then never reached out after that. I was supportive to both of them and offered any help I could and was ignored when I offered to meet up.
One of the 2 mums, let’s call her Sandra for some reason has really affected me. Her son (doesn’t go to my daughters school) and my daughter go to a martial arts class together, where they’re are 2 other mums with kids in my daughters class at school. Sandra was already friends with the 2 other mums.
The 4 of us when out at Christmas for drinks and it was lovely and we talked about how we were all from different areas and looking for friends. I thought this was the start of some new pals for me, yes I was wrong!

They make plans to meet up in front of me and they are going to Spain for Sandra’s 40th. Now I understand people can have who they want at their events etc but how do I let it not affect me? How do I not get upset at not being included? Any help would be appreciated. Thank you for reading!

Sorry to hear this, it is really hard. The answer might be to not rely on the kids as a way of making friends but put yourself in lots of other situations in which you'll meet people. Hobbies, community organising groups, a book club, that kind of thing. I realise with 2 kids and a job you don't have that much time but it is worth trying one or two things and thinking of them as ways to pass time with people rather than to definitely make friends (because putting the weight of 'I Must Make Friends' on things seldom works).

I understand why the situation with the three women upsets you but if they were friends before it is that and nothing wrong with you that is why they're hanging out without you.

I honestly think in this phase of life joining things and having interests works best. People can be flakey with young kids for really good reasons like last minute illness. Being flexible and taking up hobby groups helps to mitigate against the worst of that.

Sorry to hear this op. I think a group or hobbies good. People flaky arent they. Met a lovely old school pal last May. That was it zero effort from her since. I give up lol. Not easy at all

@Mary46 It's totally sensible and well meant advice, but not something I've found that works well or consistently in real life.

A lot of women go to hobby groups or workshops with a bunch of friends or at east in pairs, and they just want to spend time with their friend and no one else. That can be an incredibly lonely and humiliating experience if you are always there by yourself. Also, if women are alone doing something like a sports or gym class, it's because they just want to do their activity in a safe place and go home, not because they see it as a socialising centre.

I even found this when going to events and workshops in the centre of a large city that was filled with younger people. I'd sometimes see the odd man alone, but not often women, and the few women I did meet were either odd or very obviously there to promote a new business of theirs.

Earth I know its very difficult. My daughter in sports team but there were some crappy cliques in it at the start. But my friend said I have to put myself out there

This is really good advice.

The pressure people put on themselves is the main cause of the problem here IMHO. It creates an aura of desperation and impatience which people can sense and its really off-putting. You need to develop a happy-go-lucky approach and a thick skin and not be offended and upset when not everyone wants to be your friend: the reality is most people won't so you need to toughen up about it.

Treat every meeting with potential friends as a source of casual fun, not an interview for a friendship and don't expect too much.

Also second the advice not to treat the school mum network as a "friendship on a plate" option. It usually leads to frustration and disappointment. Most parents are not there to make friends, for a variety of reasons. You might make some superficial aquaintanceships and you may make one or two proper friends but don't act like it's expected. Again, it will seem really pressured and off-putting.

Make sure you take social opportunities when they come up to maximise your network but treat them lightly.

I get where you're coming from. It's really hard to make friends when older and with kids. I'm in a similar position but I don't mind not having friends so much these days. I'd rather have time on my own than with new friends to be honest.

I'd do as the others are saying if it's something you really feel you need those friendships.

Ive made friends at play groups

I have said this here before. I made friends when l stopped caring. The more l tried the worse it became. Then l just let it..l decided not to care. I think people are put off if you try too hard. The girls heading to Spain may be friends a bit longer. Let them off. Wish them happy holidays.

They were already friends so know each other better, hence why going on holiday. I think you need to stop relying on finding other mothers via your children, they are nearly always friendships of convenience.

so do you have any hobbies or interests, are there any social groups or meet ups you can join, which are near you. You need to meet people as you, with shared interests, not just our kids know each other and you’re a handy mum.

I know what you mean about the trauma dumping- I've had similar. As they've also told me they're lonely I have offered support/coffee/dog walk and they don't take me up on it. I think many people are used to their own family/friends and it doesn't occur to them to make new contacts. I have no advice really other than to just be yourself. Solidarity OP!

Absolutely this. The harder you try, the less likely people are to warm to you. 99% of the time when people post about not having friends on here it's because they are overthinking and over-trying, then they feel they are "owed" friendship and get upset and resentful when other people are freaked out by it.

It's not a million miles away from the psychology of dating: if you're too keen you'll put people off.

Thank you all for your comments and
advice. I really appreciate, a few have mentioned that being too keen puts people off and if you stop trying it’ll happen. I should take this advice cos my and my husband
met on a girls holiday to Magaluf of all places where I was not looking for love especially in maga but it was meant to be. Thanks all!