How do you communicate with a partner who always deflects?

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I find it really hard to communicate with my DH and I think I’m starting to realise it’s because he deflects everything.

For a start DH is a confrontational person and I’m not really, he will pick on everything that I do that annoys him whereas when he annoys me mostly I just let it go.

We’re under a lot of pressure atm, I had our second baby in January and became acutely unwell afterwards, I had to have a medical device inserted to keep me alive. I still have that, I have got surgery planned later this year to get rid of it. It means I have a lot of medical appointments. At the same time DHs mum is dealing with depression and she is our only relative nearby, she is now unable to provide childcare. We have a toddler as well. So for a lot of my appointments DH is having to take time off literally to be with the baby and he has also taken time off to help his mum. I appreciate it’s a lot that we are asking of him.

I’m finding it a struggle to communicate how bad I feel physically. This week I had to go to have my device changed, it was an outpatient procedure but left me feeling sore and tired, the next day I looked after my toddler and baby all day, today I just feel tired to my bones, when I tell DH he says I’m making tiredness a competition and he is tired too.

Other examples when I say I’m struggling with baby and toddler he says I chose to have both children and this is what I wanted. Yes but I didn’t plan to be so unwell. He never addresses the actual issue and it’s really draining because what he says is true but just puts blame on me.

Does anyone else have a DH like this? How do you get through to them?

Yeah, it's similar in principle to the DARVO technique. I'm sad to suggest that there might not be anything you can do other than hope he grows up. The 'making tiredness into a competition' thing is a puerile response from a man who has never learned how to be a supportive partner. It sounds like he struggles to tolerate events which threaten his centre stage role in his mind.

What I was sort of hoping is that when we got back from hospital he would tell me to go to bed or put my feet up, but I ended up bathing the baby and putting the toddler to bed. He said he didn’t know I needed help because I didn’t ask.

“I appreciate it’s a lot that we are asking of him.” Bllx to that. You’re all equal participants in family life.

Try being more assertive - for example don't say you're tired, say you're feeling unwell because of your medical condition and that you're going to lie down and he needs to bath the baby and put toddler to bed. Also, tell him you appreciate he's got a lot on his plate but that you need time to get well and this won't be forever. They're his children too so he needs to step up - I would have no truck with him telling you that you wanted the children so it's your job to look after them - did he not want children?

Ok, this may be an uncomfortable perspective but I think you are both poor communicators and are both competing. It's quite understandable that you are unwell and want some support, it is also understandable that your husband has a lot going on around him. I think, sometimes it is helpful to recognise that his life changed and may feel out of control. When he says that he is also under pressure/tired etc. he is trying to communicate that his needs are also not being met. And instead of trying to understand him, you see it as him competing. Is it fair that you may be the only person stepping forward with compassion? Maybe not but it may be the only thing to do here to leas by example.
He also told you that he didn't know how to support you because you didn't ask. Is it fair that you have to ask? Maybe not but asking would have changed the situation.
This is a Mexican standoff and one of you would have to step out of it. I am afraid, it may well need to be you and, hopefully, he will follow your example.

It’s nigh impossible.

Did he not want the children?

Tell him what you need. Don’t say you are tired you are unwell. Thank him for the ‘help’ parenting so he feels appreciated. Get through your operation and recovery and look at leaving him. The word is PARTNER as in you are in it together, you are a team, you work together. It’s not a competition over who is most tired. A man who thinks that way when his partner needs support is not going to be there for you when you need him and you may as well do it alone

Has he changed since you met him? If not, he isn’t going to

Try this

You must both be physically and mentally exhausted, you both need to give each other grace. I think you need to tell him when you need help and you have to just ignore his grumpiness whilst you both dig deep to get through this. Do you have any wider family or friends that can help you out? Can you afford any additional help, even a teenage babysitter to be there as an extra couple of hands at bedtimes or other times when you know it’s going to be hard.