I cancelled on friend and she's now not talking to me. AITA?

SunSeaSand11 · 2026-04-10T15:17:37+00:00

Hi fellow mumsnetters, I need some objective advice please on a situation that has happened with me and a friend recently that has led to her not talking to me. This friend and I had loose plans last week to meet up. She's been ill so we hadn't set a time or place however on the day she text asking where and when we were meeting. I was in the middle of deep cleaning our house as I was going away and asked if we could do it the following day. She replied quite abruptly saying no, you booked me in, it has to be today. I said sure do you want to come to mine and we'll head out. She said she was upset now and didn't want to do it. I replied apologising and saying I thought plans were loose as she'd been ill but I was more than happy to stop doing what I was doing to meet her. No reply and I've not heard anything since. Now, I completely get that she'd probably been bored as she'd been stuck in ill and had been looking forward to it however I do feel there was miscommunication. Also, for context she has blown plans out several times before and I do feel this is an overreaction and hypocritical. I know she will message in a week or so acting like nothing has happened but it has annoyed me. Do I forget it and move on or say something. She's quite a big character and won't like me saying anything to her so it could cause friction. AITA? Thanks for reading ☺️ x

Lizzbear · 10/04/2026 16:22

Hi op
Shes being unreasonable. I’d wait for her to contact you and see how you feel then.

NoneSoBlindAsThoseThatWillNotSee · 10/04/2026 16:23

I was more than happy to stop doing what I was doing to meet her

Well that’s a PA ‘if I really must’ type response tbh.

I’d love to hear her side of this and see how your ‘loose arrangements’ were a firm date for her.

I’ve gone back to reread. You even say she contacted you on the day-so the day was actually set, you just hadn’t decided on where or when, but the DAY was confirmed from what you’ve written.

CKN · 10/04/2026 16:30

Oh so she heard nothing from you and texted you on the planned day about the arrangements - I’m wondering why you didn’t actually bother to contact her to confirm arrangements especially as you knew she was poorly beforehand?
Why do you think your friend is ignoring you apart from the fact that plans were obviously made or she wouldn’t be phoning you about them.
Seems like you were both in the wrong but I think you should have reached out to her to check if she still wanted to go ahead with the plans.

BTW, you say you made plans but then you were busy doing a deep clean if your house prior to going away - that’s a bit contradictory

Original poster

SunSeaSand11 · 10/04/2026 16:42

Thank you for your responses, it's really helped how she might see it from her point of view.

I hadn't messaged her on the day as I didn't want to put pressure on her if she wasn't feeling up to it. We're in regular contact normally and I do check in, but yes I should have messaged her, you're right. What can I say other than things have been stressful and I dropped that ball.
For more context we both live busy mum lives with kids and jobs and I know how things can be so don't mind if people cancel last minute. I do think it comes part and parcel of busy mum life.
She cancelled same day on me the other week and I understood. I think it's the hypocrisy that has confused me as I'm struggling to see how it's different. :(

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Credittocress · 10/04/2026 16:44

I’d be a bit pissed off if I thought I was meeting someone and then they said that I had to travel to theirs because they couldn’t be arsed to come half way

Original poster

SunSeaSand11 · 10/04/2026 16:51

Credittocress · 10/04/2026 16:44

I’d be a bit pissed off if I thought I was meeting someone and then they said that I had to travel to theirs because they couldn’t be arsed to come half way

She was always travelling my way anyway as she lives out the way and doesn't like where she lives. That's as much as we'd planned so I hadn't changed that but yes, I could have offered to come to her instead :/

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BlueberrySummerCloud · 10/04/2026 16:52

Whats AITA?

Honestly its a bit annoying if you say you will meet and then do the cleaning instead

CandyEnclosingInvisible · 10/04/2026 16:55

I think yabu because it seems clear that the "loose" nature of the plans was supposed to be a kindness to your friend's unpredictable health and so it was understood (as far as I can see) that the arrangement was that if she felt up to it, you would be spending the time together - but that if she felt unwell you would be understanding. To your friend it therefore felt like a slap in the face that after she got herself up to the point of feeling ok about the expedition (which for someone with limited energy might take a number of days of careful rationing of energy expenditure to be sure of reaching the planned day with a maximised readiness) you actually made other plans and made it clear that you hadn't in fact kept yourself available at all, but had assumed you could get embroiled in an all-day activity and used a martyrish "oh well I'll drop what I'm busy doing if you insist" as if she was imposing on you. I think you owe her an apology.

noidea69 · 10/04/2026 16:55

You've flaked on her there, but her reaction is a bit dramatic.

Does sound a bit like you couldnt be arsed with it.

CandyEnclosingInvisible · 10/04/2026 16:56

BlueberrySummerCloud · 10/04/2026 16:52

Whats AITA?

Honestly its a bit annoying if you say you will meet and then do the cleaning instead

AITA is the Reddit equivalent to AIBU - it stands for "am I the asshole?"

Original poster

SunSeaSand11 · 10/04/2026 16:57

BlueberrySummerCloud · 10/04/2026 16:52

Whats AITA?

Honestly its a bit annoying if you say you will meet and then do the cleaning instead

AITA stands for Am I The Asshole
Yeah I totally get that it sounds bad but it's hard on these forums with little context or knowledge about my life. I work a really stressful, full on job and my husband and I were going away for the first time in about 10 years. My MIL was staying so I was cleaning. The trip was really important to me as I've had a health scare recently. I just hoped she'd understand as I did when she cancelled on me same day the other week.

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Original poster

SunSeaSand11 · 10/04/2026 16:58

CandyEnclosingInvisible · 10/04/2026 16:55

I think yabu because it seems clear that the "loose" nature of the plans was supposed to be a kindness to your friend's unpredictable health and so it was understood (as far as I can see) that the arrangement was that if she felt up to it, you would be spending the time together - but that if she felt unwell you would be understanding. To your friend it therefore felt like a slap in the face that after she got herself up to the point of feeling ok about the expedition (which for someone with limited energy might take a number of days of careful rationing of energy expenditure to be sure of reaching the planned day with a maximised readiness) you actually made other plans and made it clear that you hadn't in fact kept yourself available at all, but had assumed you could get embroiled in an all-day activity and used a martyrish "oh well I'll drop what I'm busy doing if you insist" as if she was imposing on you. I think you owe her an apology.

Thank you for your response and I have apologised 😔

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CandyEnclosingInvisible · 10/04/2026 17:00

SunSeaSand11 · 10/04/2026 16:57

AITA stands for Am I The Asshole
Yeah I totally get that it sounds bad but it's hard on these forums with little context or knowledge about my life. I work a really stressful, full on job and my husband and I were going away for the first time in about 10 years. My MIL was staying so I was cleaning. The trip was really important to me as I've had a health scare recently. I just hoped she'd understand as I did when she cancelled on me same day the other week.

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That's not equivalent.

But edited to remove my further response because it was a crisspost with you saying you'd apologised.

I hope all is smoothed over soon

Original poster

SunSeaSand11 · 10/04/2026 17:02

CandyEnclosingInvisible · 10/04/2026 17:00

That's not equivalent.

But edited to remove my further response because it was a crisspost with you saying you'd apologised.

I hope all is smoothed over soon

Edited

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She didn't cancel on me because she was ill. She cancelled on me because she got a babysitter and wanted to go out with her other half instead.

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bafta16 · 10/04/2026 17:03

Maybe take a breathe and re think these committment/ meetings.

honeylulu · 10/04/2026 17:25

All things considered, including her history of cancelling on you last minute I'd say she is being unreasonable. Is she a bit of a "main character" who cant take what she is happy to dish out?

I can see how it would be disappointing if you're looking forward to seeing someone and they seem to have forgotten or aren't bothered about putting it off, even if the arrangement was fairly loose. But in context it seems fine especially as you were willing to offer an alternative or to revert back to the original plan (unless you were obviously huffy about it and that's really what upset her).

I did have a friend who would mess around with plans at the last minute, I think it was a bit of a power trip/putting me in my place. I got fed up with it in the end and dropped the rope (and she got pissed off with me). I presume that's not what you were doing either?

If not then I don't think you're the problem.

Original poster

SunSeaSand11 · 10/04/2026 17:50

honeylulu · 10/04/2026 17:25

All things considered, including her history of cancelling on you last minute I'd say she is being unreasonable. Is she a bit of a "main character" who cant take what she is happy to dish out?

I can see how it would be disappointing if you're looking forward to seeing someone and they seem to have forgotten or aren't bothered about putting it off, even if the arrangement was fairly loose. But in context it seems fine especially as you were willing to offer an alternative or to revert back to the original plan (unless you were obviously huffy about it and that's really what upset her).

I did have a friend who would mess around with plans at the last minute, I think it was a bit of a power trip/putting me in my place. I got fed up with it in the end and dropped the rope (and she got pissed off with me). I presume that's not what you were doing either?

If not then I don't think you're the problem.

Thank you so much for your response and no I wasn't huffy in the slightest, nor am I doing it for a power trip or to make a point ☺️
I've been a bloody good friend to her in the past , looking after her when she was ill and being on the end of the phone whenever she needed it. Obviously I've dropped the ball on this occasion and been crap but she's been there too and I thought she'd understand, especially as she knows what's been going on for me lately. She is a big character yes and it's made me feel like it's ok for her to act a certain way and not others (as this is totally the sort of thing she'd do). We're usually quite laid back friends who would understand this. I've totally misread it and not sure if I'm unreasonable or not. Anyway, I've apologised so the ball is in her court.

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BlueberrySummerCloud · 10/04/2026 17:55

SunSeaSand11 · 10/04/2026 16:57

AITA stands for Am I The Asshole
Yeah I totally get that it sounds bad but it's hard on these forums with little context or knowledge about my life. I work a really stressful, full on job and my husband and I were going away for the first time in about 10 years. My MIL was staying so I was cleaning. The trip was really important to me as I've had a health scare recently. I just hoped she'd understand as I did when she cancelled on me same day the other week.

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Oh yes
Erm this isnt Reddit 😂

She has reacted quite harshly , I would cool thw friendship if she has form

Lizzbear · 10/04/2026 18:02

let us know the outcome op!!!

Original poster

SunSeaSand11 · 10/04/2026 18:07

BlueberrySummerCloud · 10/04/2026 17:55

Oh yes
Erm this isnt Reddit 😂

She has reacted quite harshly , I would cool thw friendship if she has form

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I get confused as I'm not a regular 😅

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Original poster

SunSeaSand11 · 10/04/2026 18:08

Lizzbear · 10/04/2026 18:02

let us know the outcome op!!!

I will do ☺️

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MrsColinRobinson · 10/04/2026 18:08

YANBU. Your friend seems to have a bad case of main character syndrome.

Does she apologise when she's flaky?

Tbh, unless you make a habit of letting her down last minute, I'm of the opinion we should give our friends some slack, particularly when you're juggling family and work.

Is she typically like this or does she usually mirror your effort?

Original poster

SunSeaSand11 · 10/04/2026 18:26

MrsColinRobinson · 10/04/2026 18:08

YANBU. Your friend seems to have a bad case of main character syndrome.

Does she apologise when she's flaky?

Tbh, unless you make a habit of letting her down last minute, I'm of the opinion we should give our friends some slack, particularly when you're juggling family and work.

Is she typically like this or does she usually mirror your effort?

Thank you for taking the time to reply ☺️
She doesn't normally apologise , no, as her reasons are major in her mind as there's usually been drama so I don't think she feels she has to. It's pretty equal on how often (or not) that we cancel on each other, it's not one way or another.

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itsgettingweird · 10/04/2026 18:32

SunSeaSand11 · 10/04/2026 16:42

Thank you for your responses, it's really helped how she might see it from her point of view.

I hadn't messaged her on the day as I didn't want to put pressure on her if she wasn't feeling up to it. We're in regular contact normally and I do check in, but yes I should have messaged her, you're right. What can I say other than things have been stressful and I dropped that ball.
For more context we both live busy mum lives with kids and jobs and I know how things can be so don't mind if people cancel last minute. I do think it comes part and parcel of busy mum life.
She cancelled same day on me the other week and I understood. I think it's the hypocrisy that has confused me as I'm struggling to see how it's different. :(

I imagine in her mind it would depend why she cancelled on you previously on the day.

illness or kid being ill - can’t do anything about that.

Of she decided cleaning her house was more important she doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

i think both of you had miscommunication here. In future I would text the day before to confirm you’re still meeting up. Me and my friends always do that but we also make firm plans in advance so know what they are.

thepariscrimefiles · 10/04/2026 21:06

SunSeaSand11 · 10/04/2026 17:50

Thank you so much for your response and no I wasn't huffy in the slightest, nor am I doing it for a power trip or to make a point ☺️
I've been a bloody good friend to her in the past , looking after her when she was ill and being on the end of the phone whenever she needed it. Obviously I've dropped the ball on this occasion and been crap but she's been there too and I thought she'd understand, especially as she knows what's been going on for me lately. She is a big character yes and it's made me feel like it's ok for her to act a certain way and not others (as this is totally the sort of thing she'd do). We're usually quite laid back friends who would understand this. I've totally misread it and not sure if I'm unreasonable or not. Anyway, I've apologised so the ball is in her court.

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Honestly, she set a precedent by cancelling a planned meet-up with you because she had the opportunity to to go out with her husband instead. You were fine about it so her snotty behaviour when you asked if it was OK to move your meet-up to another day was uncalled for and hypocritcal.