I’m hoping someone can help me dissect my dad and work out why he is the way he is. I don’t know whether it’s a personality disorder or mental illness or something else entirely but I’d appreciate any insight! Sorry if this is long.
Basically my parents met at 19 and around a year later found out my mum was pregnant. She found out at 20ish weeks so felt it was too late to terminate, thus I was born shortly after they turned 21. My dad proposed, they bought a house together and tried to make it work.
When I was about 10 months old, my mum left him without warning one day when he was at work. I didn’t know any of this until my early 20s, I was fobbed off constantly as a child when I asked why they split. She just told me she never really loved him, they were way too young and she fancied him but didn’t love him so she left. He had a breakdown and refused to see me, accused my mum of cheating and said I wasn’t his child, demanded a paternity test. Again, I had no idea any of this happened till my mum told me in my early 20s. He never disclosed the results of the test but obviously I was his so he started seeing me again.
I saw him every weekend. He spoilt me rotten. Basically anything I wanted, I got and he just never said no. Designer clothes, trainers, the latest tech or toys, expensive days out, pricey birthday parties, an annual holiday abroad etc. It was a crazy dichotomy because my mum always worked min wage jobs and we were very poor, lived on a council estate but then I had flash trainers and never missed a school trip for example (including abroad) because he’d throw money at me… Mum also told me when I was older that he barely paid her CM but that she didn’t complain because he’d buy me clothes, pay for trips, bday parties etc and she felt it evened out.
Anyway, when I was about 8 or 9 he decided he wanted to be an actor so moved to London. He still visited me every weekend and still threw cash at me until I was 13ish then he’d only see me maybe monthly or every other month but would put £100 a week in my bank account so I could have fun with friends which I loved at that age obviously!
When I was 18 he started making excuses not to visit me. This varied from chest infections through to kidney stones and back pain meaning he was unable to travel. I said I’d come to him but then he’d be sick with something terribly infectious so fobbed me off. After about a year of this, I snapped and basically asked what his issue was. He just didn’t have a good reason at all, he said he genuinely was sick and had had a bad run of it but that it wasn’t personal. I ended up telling him to grow up, quit his pathetic pipe dream and get a real job. It had been a decade and the biggest part he’d got was a TV advert, I didn’t think he was going to make it …
We then didn’t talk at all for about 7 ish years. My DH insisted I get back in touch, said he should be in our DC’s life, so I did. I travelled down to him and he basically spoke about himself none stop for the full two hours we were together. Explained the acting hadn’t worked out so he’d tried his hand at directing but that hadn’t gone so well either and now he was going to retrain as a masseuse. I felt a bit sorry for him, he just seemed to exist in fantasy land really. I was happy to hear he was retraining as something a little more usual but also sceptical about it to be honest. I travelled down to see him a few months later but much the same- he just talked about himself, didn’t really ask me anything at all and so I gave up.
Part of me thought the onus was on him anyway to be frank, I’m his only child and he should be putting the effort in. I haven’t spoken to him since so it’s been about 8 years. Last year he self published two very clearly AI generated books about his life. If you wondered how self absorbed he is then that’s probably a very clear indicator. I have no idea why anyone would want to read his life story, he’s a failed actor and isn’t really that remarkable. I find it a little embarrassing.
Just wondered what you made of him as a character really and what this says about him- narcissist? Or just mentally ill and delusional?