Need to leave?

[Yellowfko]

I have two DC 1 and 6, the 6 yo is very sensitive. But I think I need to leave , but we have lots of debt majority in my name, so I suppose finances and the kids have made me stay. I think my DF would pay of the debt tbf , and I do earn a decent amount so should be fine. It's just the thought of blowing up the kids lives that breaks me.

He has always had a short fuse , when we first got together he punched walls etc . Since we had our first DS this has calmed down , it's only happened once. He has once put his hands around my neck when first DS was about 10 months. He got counselling after , we weren't arguing before I disturbed him playing a game.

On the whole we get on fine, both busy with kids and work . But when we spend time together it's good. But his short temper is still there, the other week i was going out , and I had a go at him for not doing a favour I'd asked. Anyway he blew told me he hoped I crashed on the motorway and died (I was going my DS baby shower), he then locked himself in the living room with the kids standing againt the door. He only opened it when I said I was calling my Dad...

Anyway he gets in this fowl moods. Today we are away, we were going out and he was get frustrated with the kids getting youngest in pram, so I went over and said I'll do it , he never takes them out solo . So as I was doing I asked him to grab the kids water , and he starts you don't even say fucking thank you I'm not coming. My eldest then begs him to please come , he then storms past me with the kids and I ran after them. Anyway we got to the spftplay eldest goes in , and he says I'm done , your a c* , i hate you ...more names etc etc. I said its awful the way you speak to me. He says it under his breath and so nasty. Genuinely this is all that happend no arguing or words beforehand I had been down the beach with kids, and giving them lunch.

These moods happen, and are not a one off. I need to leave don't I ?

He said he's leaving me and putting the house up anyway , but again he says this often. He's charming around other people well my family, my Mum probably sees through him the most as she is at ours a lot. Sorry for the ramble and any errors, can't re read as I'll get upset

Yes, you need to leave him.

What you are describing goes beyond normal relationship stress, especially with past physical aggression. Your safety and your children’s wellbeing have to come first, even if the situation feels overwhelming. It may help to quietly explore support options and speak with a professional, so you can make a plan that protects you and your children.

Sorry you are going this through this but yes you do need to leave. Think of all the distress this is causing your DCs. Your life will be calmer if it was just you and your DCs.

You need to get as much support as you can.

You definitely need to leave. Please talk to your parents and get support from them. No-one deserves to be treated the way he's treating you and your children shouldn't grow up around that behaviour.

Agree with the above.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you meet your abuser when you were very young and or in a bad place mentally?. Make no mistake, he targeted you deliberately to abuse you and red flags were present in the early days of your relationship.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Do not stay with him because of debt (is this his debt he had rung up in your name?) or the kids, particularly them. They do not need or warrant an abusive father in their lives and one too who hits walls. That is an example of domestic violence. It is a short step from hitting walls to hitting you. He has ruined this family by his abuse of you and in turn them and make no mistake here he is abusing them too. You are rescuing yourself and then from a life of misery in a violent home if you leave.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You have a choice re this man and your kids do not.

There is always a way out and I urge you to take it. Use the services of the police, your parents and Women’s Aid to get him out of your day to day lives. Never mediate with him either as this will be a waste if time.

Abusers can be quite plausible to those in the outside world but behind closed doors their true nature emerges.

Men like this can and do wreak already weakened boundaries. Do enrol yourself onto the Freedom program as this is for those who have been in abusive relationships.

If you can’t do it for yourself please do it for your children.No child should be brought up in that environment.
You sound like you have supportive parents who would help you. I know if you where my daughter and grandchildren I would do everything in my power to get you out of that situation

You need to be ready to get safe and call police next time so it is recorded.
Yes . You need to leave.

Get out. Start afresh and get some financial advice so as not to get in debt again.

Good luck.

I don't want to upset you OP but one of the biggest indicator that a partner will kill their wife/gf is if they have ever attempted to strangle them. You need to get out of this relationship for yours and your children's safety.
Please contact Women's Aid, do not let him know you are thinking of leaving him until it is done. You need to make a plan and leave when he is not there.

How much more would it break your kids if he killed you? As pp has said, strangling is a big predictor of lethal domestic violence.

Plus your kids are not growing up in an idyllic nuclear family. You simply can't give them that with this man, because he's abusive.

Leave - sure we all get angry but a few slammed doors and shouting should really be the limit. Even at my angriest I never felt like punching a wall or door, let along anyone.

Id go.
Its not a healthy relationship

Just to answer a few questions re growing up, Mum and Dad split up . Mum dated a load of abusive man . One who also strangled me at 12 and she stayed with him. I was also raped age 12 . My Dad divorced 3 times after my mum. We are the same age met him mid 20s.

Re leaving and help. Yes it's a lot of his debt , also from a house move etc. We both weren't earning much, debt just spiralled , but we are both earning more now. I am paying 1,500 a month of it at the moment mainly interest free so it's going down. For context , my wage is about to go to just over 75k, he's similar so I assume would have to pay a fair bit child maintenence. So income wise would be fine , we get holidays etc paid for by my family.

My DF is extremely wealthy I never ask him for anything, but he could buy my house outright for me and not bat an eyelid. So I'm pretty certain he'd pay the debt off and buy him out . But as I say it's probably hard for people to see how he comes across. I do have videos of him, over the years. I definitely have conversations of him admittedly the hands around my neck...he doesn't know. Always kept it incase I need proof in a court case with the kids. Even though I doubt he'd fight me