Anyone with experience of BPD?

[hairday345]

My ex new partner has BPD diagnosis. She seems to be jealous of the children, although he rarely sees them. She thinks we are still together maybe? Suddenly want to be introduced to them tomorrow. I don't know what to think. She was at the house the other day when ex made rare appearance to see children and she tried to barge into the house and demanded he 'deletes her photos and number', She called the police as I didn't let her in - they didn't do anything. She has called the police at least 3 times in the last few months for the same level of incident.

Hmm. Do everything in your power to keep the children away from her. Not because of her diagnosis but because of her behaviour.

It’s pretty simple. You tell them they can’t.

It will be drama all the way I’m afraid. Distance yourself and your children.

My male partner has it, and 2 of my female friend have it.

Personally I'd do everything possible to keep the kids away from her, and hopefully your ex will get sick of the behaviour quickly and get rid as she doesn't sound like she has it under control. From my experience, when it isn't under control and the person hasn't worked on themselves, they act like what you have seen, but there will be more going on in the background that you have no idea about. Drink/drug Addiction/binging is quite common also. The unstable emotions and inability to regulate emotions would be enough to keep her away from your kids. If she is showing signs of jealously, you can bet she isn't holding it in when your kids are around and they should not have to witness that.

If you had come on here just quering the disorder, with no concerns for behaviour, I'd have told you the good points and how someone with BPD can be the most loving and caring person. But from what you have described, she isn't stable, she hasn't worked on herself or at least not enough, and she isn't ok to be in a relationship let alone one that involves children. I'm sure she is a lovely person on her own, but relationships and the everyday things that come with a relationship are usually big triggers.

I'm not sure how I can refuse. Their father seem compelled to meet any demands she sets, even when they go objectively against his best interests. I've never known anyone so out of control of their body, it was disturbing. It was very like watching a large toddler have a tantrum.

I'd make a social services referral, which will trigger a meeting, might uncover her history, any risk factors etc. I'd move heaven and earth to keep this woman away from my dc.

Nightmare

I'm pleased she has an actual diagnosis as I assume this will make formalities a bit easier. However, as it's her medical information, is it possible for me to share with social services? The diagnosis itself isn't enough as some people manage it (I have read anyway). I don't have video evidence of the interactions. It's the pattern of behaviour of my ex that is also concerning me - she says jump and he says how high. It's like he will stop at nothing to keep her on side and I'm scared of where that could go.

You can absolutely make a referral and mention her diagnosis. State that she is unstable and is being given access to your children, and you worry she may gain unsupervised access.
List the patterns of behaviour, be clear and objective, try not to mention your feelings but the direct impact on the dc.

You're right to be concerned.

My biological mother had untreated BPD and you've summed it up well -,an uncontrolled toddler in an adult's body.

With treatment and the will to get better BPD can be handled. But uncontrolled BPD can be extremely destructive. I'd honestly be quietly trying to allow a distance to develop between your children and their father while he's with this (untreated) woman. Children need their parents, but the level of damage that can be done to children at the hands of someone with serious BPD (who won't cooperate with treatment) is terrifying and tragic. Unfortunately I've seen it at close quarters. In some situations the damage to the children is lifelong.

I wouldn't be reaching out to their father, I'd be letting him do all the running in terms of making contact with the children and I'd be keeping it as short and close to home as possible, when he's with her. Her jealousy might mean it's harder for him to keep contact. Its heartbreaking to handle children's longing for their father, but - this woman sounds damaging. Don't underestimate how manipulative and cruel someone who doesn't want to get better can be.

Fwiw many people with the diagnosis of BPD improve radically with treatment and sometimes just with getting older. But people do have to want to get and cooperate with treatment, and then also to be able to actually find some.

Her diagnosis has little to do with how you should treat this woman

Call the police and withhold your kids from that man until shes gone!

How do you know she has this diagnosis? Did your ex tell you?

Yes, I've also wondered about the reliability of this. He told me a while before problems started developing with them so at that point had no reason to lie. However I know her work doesn't support her life - she gets disability benefits (not in UK) - which adds credibility to what he told me.

I know there is a police record of her attacking him physically while he drove on the motorway. He stopped the car and left her there. Both actions completely unacceptable. The fact that there is a police report of them both endangering each others lives would be strong evidence with social services, whether in the UK or not, that they can't have responsibility for children.

He has naturally been less and less in contact since they've been together, and currently rarely sees them. Possibly every 6 weeks.

I would not let her see them, the motorway thing is worrying. I have bpd and my little brother we wouldn't act like that, although I have dated someone with it once who had it bad so we couldn't be together anymore due to his paranoia.
The thing with bpd is you feel everything extreme, extremely happiness, extreme lows and sometimes you have a favourite person. Mine is my bf and it sounds like hers is too which is bad if he is as it can cause you to feel jealousy irrationally to people they see and speak to.
Mine is jealousy of his female friends and female work colleagues which I am handling and I mainly now keep it to myself, hers is his kids which is concerning. I love my bf's kids and wouldn't barge into his house or do anything to scare them no matter how I am feeling at that moment.
I have had talking therapy myself and know my flaws and my triggers are other women, being ignored and fears of being replaced, but it doesn't sound like she does have a handle on it.
Personally the social service thing a good idea or even court. Good luck.

Also to add it doesn't sound like he would keep your kids safe from her out bursts. My bf simply adores me, but he would always put his kids first which is how it should be.
My own teen kids are shielded from my behaviour by myself, if I feel I am getting upset I take the dog out or have a bath, listen to music and clean or wait until they are asleep before I get sad.

Yeah my biological mother also attacked her husband while he was driving at the limit on the motorway, with the children in the car. The children she 'brought up' (if you can call it that) were and are seriously traumatised by this and many equally dangerous events.

The more distance the better, I'm afraid. It's very hurtful for your children if their father isn't present in their lives but at this moment he's bringing far too much trouble with him.

You could be able to use Claire’s law if concerned about violence or controlling behaviour as she is around your children in a parental household.