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Original poster

Am I being sidelined and invalidated in this long distance relationship?

57 replies

HiddenAxis · 09/04/2026 22:15

I guess I'm looking for advice.
Me and my partner met in late 2023. We have been together for 2 and a half years. When we first met and got together, I was aware that they was in a situation ship/relationship with someone, I did not know if it was serious.
A little while later we make things official. I was happy that was until I found out from social media that they were engaged (they are Polyamorous). This did not bother me, I knew what I was getting myself into.

Now here is where it gets a bit murky. We live opposite ends of the country. I travel up and we usually spent the weekend together. Now I should have seen the signs but either I decided to ignore them or saw them too late. There has been many occasions where we have had a weekend together and then all of a sudden they have to leave to attend to their other partner. (usually this would not faze me) but we only get to see each other 2 or 3 times a year due to both of our work schedules. So having them leave while we are suppose to be able to have a weekend together is alot.

Then there is the constant calling. Now don't get me wrong I'm glad they have someone else that they can be comfortable around, every time we are together for a weekend (baring in mind its usually less than 48 hours together, that's factoring sleep as well) it doesn't give us a lot of time.

Recently it feels like their other partner is coming around but its still the same, nothing in changing. I once suggested we go away somewhere together (Maybe Spain or somewhere like that) and I got told no. They don't go out of the country because their passport isn't updated. A couple of months ago they told me they were going to France with their Fiancé to go to a concert which feels like a right kick in the teeth.

Thankfully they get along with my siblings. When we first got together I thought about joining the military and asked my partner if they would come to my ceremony if I were to join. They said no. A year later they said they would come down to the area I live in to make sure my sister was okay (she was in a bad place at the time after getting out of a toxic relationship). I should feel touched by this but I don't. It just hurts.

2 and a half years later and nothing has changed. There is secrecy around us being together. I posted about it a couple of months after we got together when it started to become serious. I wanted to inform those nearest and dearest to me. I got a message a few minutes later asking for the post to be taken down because their partners family and friends did not know... When they are with their partner communication is little to none (This has slowly been getting better but not by much).

but most of all. I told them when we first got together that I identify as a male. Regardless of this, I was invalidated for this. I am constantly called their girlfriend which does not sit right with me. They said because I had not yet had the surgeries that they would refer to me as a girl and that they did not get "male vibes" from me.

Am I going insane or am I just being gaslit?

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 10/04/2026 09:24

You have a long distance online chat thing going on with someone you hook up with 2-3 times a year. It's not a relationship.

This person claims to be polyamorous but this person's friends, family and primary partner don't have a clue about you. Sp theyre not open about it.

So you're effectively this person's 'bit on the side'.

You don't seem comfortable with the poly element. So why go along with it? But, even if you were, this is no partner.

I'm going to assume you're younger (early 20s) given the identifying as male and uncomfortable acceptance of poly. I'm not saying that to dismiss you, just to try and understand the context and reflect on relatable experiences of my own.

So, this is my parental advice bit! My partner and I have four children in their 20s between us and so know a fair few people in their 20s, some of whom who identify as different genders, and sexualtiies beyond LGB. What seems to crop up quite often is being required to accept sexual things (practices/identities) that they aren't comfortable with but feel they have to go along with so as not to seem bigoted or to be 'shaming'. Acceptance without exception.

This is not true.

You can be who you are and how you feel most comfortable but you are also allowed to say no to things you're not comfortable with. And you don't have to 'accept' it to be part of a wider community.

If you are not comfortable with this situation, get out of it and find people who accept you for who you are and want to be and who are proud to be with you. You shouldn't be anyone's secret.

Dressfinder · 10/04/2026 10:23

Jesus, Child.

Read what you just wrote as if it wasn't happening to you. Pretend you're reading what someone else is going through. How would you advise them to go forward?

You're being shown no respect. At all. There's nothing for you here.

Have you ever spoken to the fiancée? I'm pretty sure you're not part of a polyamorous relationship but rather an occasional side piece.

Tell them you don't want them to refer to you as their girlfriend and then go further and tell them you don't want them to refer to you at all.
Then block them.
And see a therapist.

MrsMoastyToasty · 10/04/2026 10:29

You are his bit on the side.

Elanol · 10/04/2026 10:53

Oh OP, this isn't good for you in so many ways.

It won't be difficult to go from seeing them 2-3 times a year to zero times a year. Just stop, there's nothing here for you. This is an occasional hook up at best as someone else said.

You seem to be doing all the travelling. They have constant contact with their partner and have to leave at some point during these short visits. I'd say it's because they aren't polyamorous, it's because this is an affair.

I don't think this person could easily get away for a full weekend or visit you which is why it never happens. As you're happy to do all the running and put up with them curtailing the weekend, they will keep taking advantage.

outerspacepotato · 10/04/2026 11:03

You're a side fuck for a run of the mill cheater.

This is not ethical non monogamy. You found out that the guy you're occasionally banging is engaged via checking social media. He didn't bother to tell you. There is no consent to be in a poly relationship here. You don't know the fiance and know if she consents to this arrangement.

Dump.

DontReplyAll · 10/04/2026 11:08

You really, really need to set higher boundaries for how you allow yourself to be treated.

This isn’t a relationship.

You are hurting yourself - take some time to think about why.

LittleMissClutter · 10/04/2026 11:09

You haven't 'been together' for 2 and a half years because you're not together.

You only see each other 2 or 3 times a year!

You two are FWB at the very most and he really doesn't deserve all this headspace.

Raise your standards.

persisted · 10/04/2026 11:40

At the moment it's all on his terms - he gets all of what he wants, and you get nothing that you want.

This isn't the one. When you're with someone who is worth your time they should make you feel happy, secure, loved. At the very least they should acknowledge your existence. Ditch them and have a careful think about what you want out of a relationship. Its ok to have expectations.

Firesidechatter · 10/04/2026 11:49

Umm I’m not sure it’s a relationship really if you only see each other twice a year?

MrTiddlesTheCat · 10/04/2026 11:57

Sorry but I agree with the others. You've been duped into being his affair partner.

begonefoulclutter · 10/04/2026 15:00

HiddenAxis · 09/04/2026 22:25

Honestly, I don't even know anymore.

Show quote history

Fetch a sheet of paper and divide it into two columns headed 'Pros' and 'Cons'.

Write down all the relationship positives and negatives in the relevant columns. It might assist you in taking the decision you know you need to take. Flowers

LizandDerekGoals · 10/04/2026 15:26

eastersundaes · 10/04/2026 02:26

Seeing someone twice per year is not a relationship - get a grip and move on

This. You are not in a relationship. You are the side piece.

Have you an asd diagnosis?

LizandDerekGoals · 10/04/2026 15:27

begonefoulclutter · 10/04/2026 15:00

Fetch a sheet of paper and divide it into two columns headed 'Pros' and 'Cons'.

Write down all the relationship positives and negatives in the relevant columns. It might assist you in taking the decision you know you need to take. Flowers

Show quote history

I expect that will be a little too confronting as there will clearly not be any pros.

HappyToSmile · 10/04/2026 15:33

I dont think the fiancé realises she is in a polyamorous relationship. Her partner is just cheating on her.
And you aren't in a relationship with him, you meet up with someone twice a year who wants you kept a secret in his world. Heck, even those 2 times a year are interrupted one way or another by his partner.
Please cut contact with this waste of space and go out there and enjoy your life.

DaisyChain505 · 10/04/2026 15:37

My God please get some self respect and put yourself first and end this non relationship.

TwistedWonder · 10/04/2026 15:44

Please raise your bar off the floor and stop sleeping with men who talk complete and utter shit.

He’s not even throwing you crumbs. This isn’t a relationship a situationship or a FWB it’s a twice a year shag with a man who doesn’t give a rats arse about you.

BarryKentPoet · 10/04/2026 15:46

So you've only met around 5 times in total?

begonefoulclutter · 10/04/2026 18:05

Although for some people (who have mutually agreed on it) a polyamorous relationship can presumably work, it appears that your partner is using the term 'polyamorous' as a way of saying that they just want to play the field and shag around.

MMUmum · 10/04/2026 18:21

HiddenAxis · 09/04/2026 22:15

I guess I'm looking for advice.
Me and my partner met in late 2023. We have been together for 2 and a half years. When we first met and got together, I was aware that they was in a situation ship/relationship with someone, I did not know if it was serious.
A little while later we make things official. I was happy that was until I found out from social media that they were engaged (they are Polyamorous). This did not bother me, I knew what I was getting myself into.

Now here is where it gets a bit murky. We live opposite ends of the country. I travel up and we usually spent the weekend together. Now I should have seen the signs but either I decided to ignore them or saw them too late. There has been many occasions where we have had a weekend together and then all of a sudden they have to leave to attend to their other partner. (usually this would not faze me) but we only get to see each other 2 or 3 times a year due to both of our work schedules. So having them leave while we are suppose to be able to have a weekend together is alot.

Then there is the constant calling. Now don't get me wrong I'm glad they have someone else that they can be comfortable around, every time we are together for a weekend (baring in mind its usually less than 48 hours together, that's factoring sleep as well) it doesn't give us a lot of time.

Recently it feels like their other partner is coming around but its still the same, nothing in changing. I once suggested we go away somewhere together (Maybe Spain or somewhere like that) and I got told no. They don't go out of the country because their passport isn't updated. A couple of months ago they told me they were going to France with their Fiancé to go to a concert which feels like a right kick in the teeth.

Thankfully they get along with my siblings. When we first got together I thought about joining the military and asked my partner if they would come to my ceremony if I were to join. They said no. A year later they said they would come down to the area I live in to make sure my sister was okay (she was in a bad place at the time after getting out of a toxic relationship). I should feel touched by this but I don't. It just hurts.

2 and a half years later and nothing has changed. There is secrecy around us being together. I posted about it a couple of months after we got together when it started to become serious. I wanted to inform those nearest and dearest to me. I got a message a few minutes later asking for the post to be taken down because their partners family and friends did not know... When they are with their partner communication is little to none (This has slowly been getting better but not by much).

but most of all. I told them when we first got together that I identify as a male. Regardless of this, I was invalidated for this. I am constantly called their girlfriend which does not sit right with me. They said because I had not yet had the surgeries that they would refer to me as a girl and that they did not get "male vibes" from me.

Am I going insane or am I just being gaslit?

This is not a 'relationship' in the romantic sense of the word, I don't know what it is but def not my idea of long term relationship

pineapplecrushed · 10/04/2026 19:47

This sounds crazy. You're being used. It sounds like you are a 'dirty little secret'. Get out of this.

Ladymeade · 10/04/2026 21:41

pavillion1 · 09/04/2026 22:20

This hurts my head even reading this … Why the fuck are you bothering?

Same...

Laura95167 · 10/04/2026 22:06

Polyamory has lots of different forms and rules. Closed dating, open dating, throples, one penis policy type scenarios and some people have the agreement they can be "polyamourous" in a way that amounts to they can have side partners if theyre met infrequently, never in the home and secret with the wider family

This isnt a DP its a FWB - though I dont see any benefit.

If you want a partner sack off this shit show, who doesnt like you enough to affirm your gender identy or text you back.

JollyHolly30 · 10/04/2026 22:11

This is really pathetic. You can do better, even if you don’t feel like it right now.

Cut them off and you’ll soon feel huge relief.

Aur0raAustralis · 10/04/2026 22:14

This isn't a poly relationship. They're having an affair with you and they don't actually care about you at all. You deserve better than this.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 12/04/2026 12:16

I can tell you right now without looking at replies that you're getting flamed for being trans. Good luck.

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