I'm in dire need of some wisdom. I rearranged it and shorten for better reading. Sorry for the ong post.
I’m writing this because I genuinely need outside perspective. I’ve been going in circles in my own head for a long time and I don’t trust my own judgment anymore.
I’m 36M, she’s 33F. We’ve been together around 10–11 months. There is real love here. I care about her deeply, and she also loves me very strongly. She is very affectionate, emotionally intense, shows admiration, buys gifts, and tries to be close. In many ways, she really invests in me and the relationship.
At the same time, this relationship has become mentally exhausting for me, and I’m trying to understand whether what I’m experiencing is something that can improve, or something that reflects deeper incompatibility.
We are compatible in many ways. We spend time together easily, share hobbies, and there are moments where it genuinely feels like a strong best-friend and partner dynamic. She can be warm, affectionate, and expressive, and talks about building a future together. Honestly, in a big part of the relationship, she shows love very clearly and tries to be there for me, which is why this situation is so confusing.
When I love someone, I invest heavily. I’ve supported her emotionally, helped her through financial stress, helped with practical things, and tried to create stability. I’m not saying this in a transactional way, but it shapes how I experience the relationship. What I look for in return is peace, respect, softness, and emotional safety.
She has a difficult emotional background, including feeling unsupported growing up, abandonment fears, and painful past relationships. From what I see, she can become emotionally reactive under stress and sometimes brings past experiences into current situations. She has acknowledged she hurt me and says she wants to improve, and is open to therapy.
The issue is not one big argument, but a repeated pattern of smaller interactions. Over time I noticed sharp tone in small situations, frustration over minor things, feeling corrected or judged in normal moments, and tension appearing in otherwise neutral situations. There were comments about small messes, criticism about how I do things, irritation during normal planning, and tension even during situations I was trying to make enjoyable. Individually small, but over time they added up.
At some point I even started writing things down because it kept repeating and I started questioning my own perception. It stopped feeling like isolated incidents and more like a pattern. There were repeated moments of criticism over small things, tension during intimacy connected to past topics, stress before plans, anger during normal conversations, dismissive-sounding comments, sudden “you annoyed me” moments, and escalation during already stressful moments.
There were also more intense situations where arguments escalated close to “maybe we shouldn’t be together” more than once, and one heated situation where very hurtful things were said to me. She was very drunk during that moment (we had been drinking wine), and she latersaid she doesn’t clearly remember what she said and attributes it to emotional overload and past experiences.
More recently there have been moments where she shows visible frustration over small inconveniences even when I try to solve them, and a critical tone appears even in otherwise normal situations.
I’m not listing these to blame her, but because they became frequent enough to feel like a pattern. When I bring them up, she feels I’m not letting things go. From my side, I’m trying to explain how repeated experiences changed how I feel. It’s not about one event, it’s about accumulation.
At times, especially in daily situations like the kitchen, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. Even when doing small things, I catch myself thinking “will this cause a reaction?” and that creates a constant low-level tension for me.
One moment affected me more than anything else. I was extremely sick, had a high fever (around 40°C), and had not slept at all for three full days. I was physically and mentally exhausted. During that time, we ended up in a prolonged argument that started over something very small about how food (cheese) was placed on a plate.
The discussion escalated and continued for hours. I remember clearly telling her during the argument that I hadn’t slept for three days and that I was very sick and needed us to stop, but the conflict still continued. That experience had a strong impact on me, because it made me feel like my condition and vulnerability were not fully taken into account in that moment.
Earlier in the relationship, even after conflict, I wanted to reconnect and felt drawn to her. Now I still care, but feel more distant. Affection feels more mechanical, I feel guarded, and instead of relaxing I feel like I’m observing and evaluating.
When I bring up past situations, she feels I’m not forgiving. From my side, I’m not trying to criticize, but to explain a pattern. I feel like I forgave emotionally, but my sense of safety hasn’t fully returned.
Recently she has been trying to improve. She acknowledges she hurt me, tries to understand more, is more careful, and is open to therapy. At the same time, we still sometimes see events differently, and she sometimes feels my reactions are too strong.
Another thing I’ve noticed is that this ongoing stress has started affecting me physically. I had acid reflux years ago and had fully recovered from it, but recently it has come back quite strongly. I’ve been experiencing nausea and noticeable reflux symptoms again, which I didn’t have for years. It feels like the constant tension and stress might be contributing to it.
This is where I’m confused. Because on one hand, she really loves me and shows it in many ways, and a big portion of the relationship is actually positive. On the other hand, these repeated patterns and certain key moments have changed how I feel internally.
I’m not asking whether I should leave or stay. I’m trying to understand what is happening psychologically. How do people differentiate emotional burnout from incompatibility? When repeated small conflicts happen like this, can emotional safety realistically rebuild? If someone understands later and tries to change, can it still repair things? Or does emotional distance usually become permanent?