my friend is always talking about the men who hit on her?? Why

[NattyCoralHam]

I want to know if other women go through the same thing. I've had this best friend for 10 years, and we studied together. She moved to another city, and we still see each other, but she's obsessed with talking about the guys who approach her, or how pretty they think she is. She spends hours talking about it and about every compliment she receives from men, seeming like she's dazzled by it. My other friends aren't like that. Well, I'm a young woman and attractive to men, and she knows that, but I don't care and rarely talk about the guys who approach me, unless it's someone I really want. I just want to have nice conversations without guys getting involved. Am I being annoying, envious? But she always steers the conversations towards the guys desiring her, what i supposed to react??

So why would you have a tiresome, insecure bore who only has one topic of conversation as a friend, far less a ‘best friend’? That’s the real question here.

I have an ex colleague like that - she is always telling me about being asked out or followed in the supermarket / men stopping in traffic jams to talk to her / having a (male) colleague being obsessed with her ie/ wearing the same sort of clothes as her or not being able to walk past her without getting ‘excited’
When I worked with her I didn’t see any of this!
I met up with her after not seeing her for a while and she was still the same - we’re in our 50s!

She's very cool and funny sometimes

She enjoys the attention and enjoys telling you how much attention she gets. Some people talk about how good their job is or how much they get paid, or how often they work out and how far they run, or how well their children are doing. Whatever makes them feel good about themselves. It is a bit sad that the thing she is most happy about is men giving her attention.

Well, tell her she’s boring you when she bangs on about men hitting on her all the time? Or just laugh and say ‘Yes, Mata Hari, everyone fancies you, I think you’ve told me before’ and change the subject?

Also, is it actually true, or some kind of Walter Mitty fantasy? You presumably see her, or have seen her, a lot socially. Are these outings usually interrupted by queues of men declaring their admiration? Or is it more than she’s always claiming some guy in the frozen food aisle at Asda couldn’t tear his eyes off her, when in fact he was probably just wishing she’d get out of the way so he could get at the fish fingers?

I think most of us regularly get attention and don’t think anything of it. I’m currently 32 weeks pregnant and am still getting chatted up- it’s made me realise how often men will just try it on and how it had nothing to do with whether I was attractive or not…I’m just here and they’re just men…

Look carefully, I see the ones she sends me, screenshots and so on, on the street or in places not so much, this usually happens more to me than to her

I have a friend who is forever telling us about compliments people have given her. I, too, wonder why she does it. Weird.

I recognise a lot of what you say.
And I can share how I know because it describes my mum.

Some women a very male centere and their validation is what affirms their self worth.

In my experience women like this don’t make great friends so I avoid them.

I had a colleague like this once. She couldn't go into a supermarket but men would be thrusting pieces of paper at with their phone numbers on; she couldn't go out for the evening without men queueing up to flirt with her. Yes, she obviously wasn't quite right and she was a liar. I agree with PP - it's about something going awry with one's self image.

By the way, anyone read any Anais Nin? Her books are like this: wherever the heroine goes, men are gagging for sex with her. One poor cow couldn't even walk up a mountain without having it off with various men en route 😂

I think it stems from desperate insecurity. She's vocalising what she wishes was happening. Perhaps she feels dowdy and plain next to you, OP, or perhaps she feels unworthy of her boyfriend and needs to seek imaginary validation. Could you answer her with 'yes Pam, you're lovely and any man would be lucky to have you,' and see if a bit of confidence building helps her?

Ok i'll try

Haha, Anais Nin yes, no one seemed to be able to keep their clothes on for more than 5 mins! Also the female character in The End of the Affair by Graham Greene. Everywhere she goes men (total strangers) are whisking her into dark corners for enforced kisses even when her husband is there. Bonkers!

It's just insecurity. My very thin friend used to always say how fat she was around people much bigger so we would all tell her she's being daft. Thankfully she grew out of it.

It could be one of two things she could be insecure so has to tell you about her 'guys' to reassure herself of her own desirability of she is arrogant and overly aware of her own desirability and feels the need to tell you about her 'guys' cos she is showing off. You could try telling her but this could backfire, if she's insecure, she may take offence thinking you are uncaring or if its the second she may take that as you are jealous.

I had a friend like this in my 20s. She would stare at herself in the mirror and say, “I look like Barbie” and talk about how many men were staring at her or coming by to check her out at work. We didn’t have a lot in common and eventually the friendship drifted apart.

A second friend would talk endlessly how some guy at the gym was staring at her and then would let me know when other guys were also very taken with her. She wasn’t a nice person overall and our friendship didn’t last either.

It is interesting one day they met each other at a mutual social event and neither of them got along.

I’ve since moved on from friendships with people who have these sorts of tickets on themselves. It made me question why I attracted this kind of friendship twice in a row.

My ex's adult 20 something daughter used to do this. She was very average looking and it was such a common theme I struggled to believe it.

Largely emotionally absent father...

Perfect response.

She's looking for validation, which is all about insecurity. Putting friends down to feel better about herself isn't OK though and confident pepole don't do this.

Why are you friends? Is it just out of habit or do you gain anything from this friendship? I'd be scaling back personally, and actually have done before when a longtime friend started getting competitive and braggy like this. It stops becoming a friendship and you end up just being a safe space where they can go on about themselves without caring about you or your life.

My ex-best friend was like this. She also put me down all the time. We aren’t friends any more but I really hope she’s grown out of it. I agree with other people who say it’s down to insecurity – absolutely.

I work with someone like this … she frequently tells the whole office about her journey into work and how many men were “eye raping” her 😳.

Her words not mine obv.

I know someone like this but I’ve come to realise beyond their looks there’s no substance hence there’s a few hook ups nothing meaningful. She’s not happy and it’s just a mask of insecurity. The attention validates her for a moment but leaves her lonely for a lot longer.

I’ve known 2 people like this - both insecure and both very self obsessed - they thought the world revolved around them. So any man who even said hello or a waiter who was just doing his job in a friendly manner was deemed to be practically in love with them and flirting . It was strange to see the disconnect between what I was seeing as normal interactions and their version.
One turned out to have bipolar disorder and the other one I think was probably just deeply insecure yet weirdly had an inflated sense of self .