Difficult relationship with mum. Finding it hard.

[Polkadotpompom]

I've been meaning to make a thread about my mum for a while now. Most people I know are lucky to have a regular mum and don't really understand.

My mum has always been ..... not great.

My dad was an alcoholic, abusive paedophile. They split when I was about 10 (he left for someone else) but we spent every weekend with him.

She leaned on us a lot as kids, shared all her problems with us and parentified us.

She's chaotic with time and money.

Starts house/garden projects and leaves them unfinished for years whilst constantly moaning about them.

Everything is all about her, how hard life is for her, victim mode and no self reflection or acknowledgement of others. Eg my dad's prosecution of his CSA (me and siblings adults by then) was all about how upset SHE was. A grandchild's diagnosis was really hard for HER etc etc.

I feel like she doesn't even think a lot about others. Eg she doesn't ask questions about your life in conversation, like she's not curious about others lives and feelings.

Rewrites history to make her look better.

Does things that make life harder then moans about the situation.

Doesn't acknowledge anything that is her own fault.

Makes bad decisions then manipulates others into helping her.

Health issues worsening but is chaotic with stuff like making appointments, keeping prescriptions regular, doing physio, etc.

Doesn't drive and constantly tries to manipulate others into taxiing her about.

I'm now entering peri-menopuase and I've noticed the last six months I'm getting less and less patient with her.

I try to be low contact and keep boundaries but I feel like she's almost stepped up her chaos and manipulations lately.

Does anyone else have a mum like this?
I don't know how to manage her going forwards without a big blow up happening tbh.

I usually try to just accept this is who she is, but it's proving more and more tricky. 😔 I've had counselling and therapy but something seems to have shifted lately.

how old is she?

This is who she is and she is not going to change if say sorry. It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way. Such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

You owe her nothing, let alone any sort of a relationship here. Deal with any fear, obligation and guilt via therapy. You may also want to read and or
post on the current Well we took you to Stately Homes thread on these Relationships pages.

What do your siblings think of her?. How does she treat them?.

She is mid 60s. Me and sibs are late thirties to early forties.

She is the same with all of us siblings and everyone really. We are all fairly low contact and all have the same feelings and frustrations.

I have tried to hop on the stately home threads before years ago but felt a bit overwhelmed as they're so long running and established. But I will try again.

FOG definitely seems to have been re-engaged a bit lately with her ramping up her chaos and manipulation. I realised today that I'm having a physical reaction to how I'm feeling about it all and I don't want to slip back into that situation. I need to be healthy for myself and my own children.

I'm really cross that she's so self centred and seems just incapable of adulting properly.

The stately homes thread title does make me chuckle everytime I see it as we were often taken on days out to stately homes with mum and grandma! 🤦🤣

My mum and grandma had a very codependent relationship. Gran was very controlling, bossy, domineering and infantilising of my mum. My mum has moaned about this all my life but would never go to therapy about it or make any major changes. My gran passed away in 2019 and instead of making changes to manage her life more on her own terms she seems to be trying to rope all her other relatives in to fill these gaps. 🙄🤦
It's maddening.

Us siblings have mostly managed to drop the rope here but it doesn't stop her constantly trying. Other relatives have stepped in in some ways but I can sense they're annoyed with her and probably feel we siblings should be helping more. 😔

I'm low contact with my Mum. She's just as you describe your Mum - chaotic, and with low levels of common sense. She is on/off her medication and unwell because of it, won't visit the GP even when she needs to, lives in unsuitable accommodation that is only going to get worse as she gets older. My stepdad is a kind man but he's a total cocklodger and Mum is still working part time at 78 to support them both. I would blow a gasket if I got any closer than I am, so I stay well back and let my sister (the goldenchild) deal with them.

You can only give what help a person is grateful to receive. And with my Mum that's nothing... so I don't give. My sanity is very important to me.

I just feel like helping is a fools errand.

For example if you took the time to help her sort out a half decorated room in her house, the next week she'd just upend another area of her home and garden, leave it half done and moan about it for months or years without sorting it. It's like an endless bloody loop.

Or if you helped her with sorting a poor decision it won't stop her making another one.

I won't try to rescue her from stupid situations of her own making.

If you try to ask her questions that are sensible or practical to try and get her to see sense she just doesn't answer it and changes the subject. 🙄🤦

I accepted a long time ago that she will never change, hence the low contact.

Perimenopause and menopause not only change your hormones, but also your thinking. As in, your levels of putting up with bullshit drop.
Your mum has issues that are now seven decades in and she’s not going to change. Her mum treated her like a child and there she has stayed.
She is not going to become a functioning adult.
What you need to do is decide what you are willing to do in terms of contact and practical help and stick to it.
At some point she’s going to need more care and you and your siblings need a plan and a united front.
You are not your mother’s servant. You do not have to sacrifice your wellbeing to try and help her.

I think me and my siblings presenting a united front is a good idea.

I don't think any of us could (or would want tbh) to provide any actual care help when she is older.

I definitely have less tolerance the older I get.

Yes they dont change op. All you can do is have good boundaries. Mine is 80s all negative. I dont tell her much. Not big interest in my kids either. The less she knows the better.

Polkadotpompom

Low contact often leads to no contact. Just putting that out there.

Toxic dysfunction like you describe often goes down the generations from grandparents to your mother and it's now stopped at you people. Like them you have a choice when it comes to your children, they chose the low road and did to you people what was done to them as children. They never sought, nor wanted to seek, the necessary help. Your nan had some forms of untreated and untreatable personality disorder and your mother is the self same.

The Stately Homes threads have been going for just over a decade (!) now and was started by a poster whose toxic parents told her that they took her to Stately homes so she should be grateful!. Do give the thread a go, it is open to all comers. I will be happy to reply to you on there too.

As I mentioned you owe her nothing let alone a relationship here. Drop the rope. Presenting a united front with your siblings is indeed a good idea along with putting your mother on an information diet. Tell her nothing of importance. None of you are obligated or should feel obligated to provide care to her in her old age. She was once young and abusive and now she is old and abusive.
Have a read of the website out of the FOG.

Do your other relatives know the full extent of what she and your dad did to you all as siblings?.

Disordered of thinking people like your mother do not like boundaries at all and will in all likelihood ignore any you care to set.

My mother is like this. I dealt with it by leaving the country and living abroad for last 23 yrs.

My mum is similar, has little interest in mine/siblings or our childrens lives, everything is about her, every conversation ends up about her, how hard her life was/is, needs validation on how far shes come constantly, nobody has had it as hard as her, no one is as skint/lonely/unhappy…..she bounces from one grand scheme/interest to another, always decorating and leaving things half done, easily bored, incredibly negative about everything and everyone…. Its all just draining and getting worse as she gets older (also in her sixties), i love her and wish and try to have a more meaningful relationship but i have (subconsciously) gone low contact, iv taken a step back, the guilt i feel is tremendous, i do think perimenopause has changed my tolerance/patience, i just cant be bothered to listen to her and placate her anymore.
so yeh, i get it OP, its just sad isnt it? Sad for us but also them, theyre missing out on so much….but only they can change that really x

Obviously I am zero contact with my dad. For some reason I've never considered going completely no contact with my mum, I think because of fog if I'm being honest.

Anotherdayanotherissue that sounds very familiar! The making everything all about them and the negativity is exhausting isn't it. It's so draining and frustrating.

I'm honestly not sure if other relatives realise what our childhoods were like really. The extent she leant on us kids, how much we knew and worried about. The responsibility levels we had. The feeling of not having even one safe reliable parent. 😢

I do often wonder if they think me and my siblings are really selfish not supporting her more.

I think she makes out to people that she's a marvellous mum and grandma, but if they scratched the surface they may realise I suppose. 🤷 Who knows.

My mum was exactly like this. I am so sorry you have experienced it. Mine died quite young, and it’s only since she died I have been fully able to process what happened. There was never a blow up, but I distanced myself as I got older. After she died, one of my siblings took on the mantle of chief victim.

It’s a tough hand to be dealt and I am sorry for you. The therapy I have had helped me survive.

Just seen your new post. Mine was also well regarded and I don’t think my family knew at all. I have tried ti tell my uncles and aunts and they don’t seem interested