Early relationship doubts when our lives and family situations feel mismatched

[BreakfastWithMacy]

Hello, would really appreciate any thoughts on this please.

I am very early into a relationship with a man similar age to me, who lives an hour away and has young children. About 6 months. He is funny, intelligent, considerate, perceptive and caring. He is from a middle class family of solicitors and doctors and politics, his parents are Christians. His mother is quite upset about his relationship with his ex ending and believes they shouldn't have broken up (this may be relevant to the situation). He has his children 50% of the time.

I have two son's, to two Fathers (off to a strong start, but i was in relationships and living with these men!), I have been single for around 9 years. My children are older, however one is disabled. I work in a fairly middle class profession, own my home, have a Masters degree (again, there may be relevance here). My Dad is an unsafe man and we are completely estranged, my mother is unreliable and I have never had much support, especially not practical, I figured things out alone. I am going through a very tough time trying to sell our house which we are desperately unhappy in (i took this house because the seller accepted my offer and we were homeless). I'm stretched thin! The boys are spending less and less time with their Dad's, youngest is about to join HS, I feel exhausted and unattractive and time poor. I actually feel this man could do better than me, he could find someone closer who has time to go running with him and social events. His dedication to his children is great to witness, but it also stirs up difficult emotions. I don't tell him any of this. I also haven't told him about particularly difficult times in our lives, like being homeless, or when we had bailiffs in because my ex told me he was paying the electricity bill but he wasn't. There are lots of things I don't tell him, but I'm trying to better at keeping things to myself without feeling like I'm lying.

The feeling is, I don't know if i should continue the relationship. I really enjoy his company, and feel happy around him, he isn't like anyone I've dated before, we get on great and if we weren't in a relationship we would have been friends. But I've started feeling defensive, feeling as though he's going to stop seeing me. I've had to change plans or not go somewhere with him a couple of times recently and it doesn't feel nice. Sometimes I wish he'd have to cancel plans. We make a lot of effort for each other and have been to some lovely places, I don't know why I feel I'd be relieved if he cancelled. Is this avoidant attachment in action? I don't know.

Didn’t want to read and run. From what you’ve written the doubts you’re expressing are about yourself rather than him. If you felt better about yourself and your life would you still have doubts? Maybe this is the starting point in terms of your rationale for any decision making. As for your history, it isn’t lying not telling him. People have layers, getting to know each other is part of revealing those layers over time. It’s not necessary for him to know the detail at this time. If he’s a good man and you enjoy his company why not let it breathe? If he’s triggering you negatively then that may be something to pay attention to in terms of unresolved wounds. If he’s likes you enough to want to continue and the only reason you’re doubting is yourself and self worth, my view would be to try and work through this to help your self esteem. Pls don’t self sabotage something that could bring joy to your life, we are all worthy of affection, respect and love. You aren’t a fraud by not telling him all your history at this point. It sounds as though you have had a lot to deal with and on your own, there is admirable strength in that. Pls be kind to yourself.

you need to be really careful you don’t sabotage a good thing by imposing the baggage you are carrying from your last relationship onto a new one. It will become self fulfilling prophecy otherwise.

Kindly this is your self esteem undermining you.
Flip it around - despite a lack of support you have successfully housed and provide for your children. You are an intelligent and capable person, you have made difficult choices and kept your family safe.
Your background is your business. No one else's.

I understand OP. Out of interest, what was wrong with the current house? I think maybe getting rid of that will help. How close are you to a sale?

I totally get what you say about his good behaviour to his kids being triggering. At the weekend me and my new partner were having a nice time with my kids, but we both went to bed sad, because of regret that we hadn’t had kids together (he has none and my ex is an absent abusive wanker).

I addition to all the advice above I would strongly urge you not to share negative details from your past. You have only known this man for 6 months and do not owe him anything.

I can completely understand that after 9 years of single-dom you’re feeling an urge to spill everything to the first person you date. Don’t do that! Bear in mind it is all too often the case that a seemingly nice person can … ‘target’ may be too harsh a word, let’s just say ‘recognise’ vulnerability in another person and take advantage of it. Do not give him any opportunity to pose as your rescuer or superior. Maintain your emotional and personal independence.

It’s also understandable that you’re overthinking a brief dating relationship and building it up into a lifetime going forward. Nothing about his parents or family should be relevant to you at this stage. Stop thinking about those things. You are not life partners - you could break up tomorrow, or next week, or in the middle of a lovely summer.

You may have several more relationships. You don’t have to fixate, immediately, on this being your final and most significant one. In other words - relax, concentrate on having fun and getting to know him , without making yourself vulnerable or giving too much of yourself.

You sound like you've overcome many obstacles and are doing well.
You now have someone positive in your life. Early days. Just enjoy it. It might work out or it might not. Noone knows.
Whatever happens you should be proud of yourself for what you've achieved.
You are more than good enough.

This is spot on. Don't let your doubts about yourself become his doubts about you. Enjoy his company and his kindness, be open about your life and constraints (without overwhelming him or dwelling) and give him a chance to understand and be with you for you.