Need to break up with partner - handhold needed

[areandare]

I’m feeling at an all time low right now and could really do with some support/advice/words of encouragement.

Ive been with my fiance for almost 5 years. I am 29 he is 28. At the beginning of the relationship (and mainly throughout) he has been so loving, caring and kind. He’s always gone above and beyond for me and made me feel so special and loved.

We moved in together 3 years ago, engaged 2 years ago and last year welcomed our baby into the world.

Over the last couple of months he has become a downright awful person. He gaslights me, makes out everything is my fault, threatens to break up with me and leave at any minor bicker / argument.

The most recent example was when I only had 3 hours of sleep for 3 nights running (baby had a cold) so asked him for help on day 3 at 5:30am as I was reaching breaking point - he wasn’t happy as he had to go to work at 8am. I had no other choice but to ask him for help as I was at breaking point! We had words about it and then he accused me of always making out he’s in the wrong, pushing him to the edge etc and that he was leaving. He returned home from the pub at 10pm pissed meaning 4th sleepless night for me.

There are so many examples of things like this and now I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells as if I say anything out of line that will annoy him and make him break up with me.

Im still on mat leave but he’s back in work, but all his free time on the weekends is spent making plans with friends, going out drinking, football etc. If I ever mention us spending time as a family it ends in me having ‘a go’ at him again. If I get upset about anything he accuses me of attention seeking and trying to make him look bad, I just can’t win.

He is very angry and any minor disagreement turns in to him shouting at me. He will spend the day On a Saturday at football but then go to the pub after it meaning he doesn’t even spend time with the baby on the weekends.

I know I need to end this relationship now. I feel like I have to beg for the bare minimum and am always made to feel as if I’m doing something wrong when all I want is a caring partner who loves me and our son.

I just don’t know if I have the courage to actually end it, and the fear of him moving on or getting intimate with anybody else makes me feel physically sick. I know that he’ll be out every weekend drinking all night etc and I will be up worrying about what he’s doing and who he’s with because I do really love him.

sorry for the long post!

I think you love who he was, he isn’t that person anymore.

As you've said yourself, you need to end the relationship. Judge him by his actions - if he cared about you or his child, he would want to spend time with you instead of in the pub with his friends. You deserve so much better and so does your baby.

I’m so sorry. That all sounds really tough especially as it is such a sudden change. You deserve better. How old is your baby?

it is so hard breaking up with someone in these circumstances because it feels as though if they could just be the person they were before then everything would be fine. But you can’t make someone want to change.

Could he be feeling overwhelmed by parenthood? That’s not an excuse and doesn’t mean he should treat you that way but it sounds as tho he is behaving out of character. Having a new baby is tough on many couples and some people definitely deal worse with lack of sleep. I assume he’s making it impossible to talk about any of it. Are you hoping that breaking up with him will shock him into behaving better? Or are you really ready to walk away?

I nearly left my DP for similar behaviour (not the same but similar). The tipping point for me was when I realised that I didn’t want my kids to grow up and think that was a healthy relationship. I wanted them to have better partnerships and not think that was normal.

Anyway I just wanted to give you a quick handhold at a horrid time x

Do you have any other support? You are probably both adjusting to parenthood and suffering from the lack of sleep. Could you take the baby and go and stay with your family for a while to have some support, catch up on sleep and give you some space to think ? This might be a wake up call for him as well. Then talk to him, tell him what needs to change if your relationship is going to work. If not make plans to go it alone, at the moment it doesn’t sound like he’s going to be a very hands on dad. If he does move on, remember the next woman in his life will only be getting the same as you, which is not very much at the moment. Focus on yourself and your baby.

I'm so sorry OP but as my dear departed Mum said to me when I was in the exact same situation as you " he's got one foot in and another out"
I didn't listen and I so wish I had listened.
He's in it for himself, not as a family of three.

God fuck that shit!
bin him off, he’s horrendous!
It won’t get better, I’m so sorry, such men are fucking arseholes x

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

The fairy tale has ended.

He's shown himself to be a child in an adult's body, refusing to take on adult responsibilities now that reality has hit.

Take it from me, life as a solo parent is so much better than when you have a partner not willing to do what's needed . It's just a weight off your back.

Get your ducks in a row as MN says.

I'm so sorry that your partner has turned out to be so dreadful. It must be so hard, but some people only show their true colours later on. I think you need to grey rock him while you quietly get your ducks in a row. I really hope you have some other support, to get you through this terrible time. But you will get through this.

Thank you so much everybody. Yes luckily I have plenty of support, my parents live really close and help all the time.

Baby is 8 months old. It is a massive adjustment becoming first time parents, but he doesn’t do that much with the baby as he’s either in work or with friends.

He gives such mixed signals, compliments me, calls me beautiful etc. However, his actions do not match up at all. He’s doing all of the same things he did before our son was born and seems to resent me for some reason, maybe he just knows he’s not good and wants to blame somebody I’m not sure.

Who are you talking to?

What are you on about?

There was a post from someone on this thread selling chat at $6 per thirty minutes on Signal. The post has since gone missing.

Unfortunately, fatherhood separates the men from the boys. Your partner has turned out to be a boy.

You do need to change your vocabulary - asking him for help suggests that it is only your job to parent your shared child. But it’s both your jobs. And he is failing at it. Working parents of young children are either at work or home parenting. They’re not constantly out with friends, at their hobbies, living as if they’re single.

Words are cheap. What really counts are actions. He’s making himself look bad - not you. Given you have a shared child, you might want to give him one more chance to act like a father rather than a child but it doesn’t sound promising.

And as a PP said - you love the memory of him. The person he is now is not lovable.

Also, you don’t have to decide to end it right away. If you’re still on mat leave, could you go and stay with your parents for a bit? Get some space? Start to feel your way into leaving him.